开心在何时

想念是会呼吸的痛 它活在我身上的每个角落
哼你爱听的歌会痛 看你的信会痛 连沉默都痛
遗憾是会呼吸的痛 它流在血液里来回滚动
后悔不贴心会痛 恨不懂你会痛 想见不能见最痛

以前，会很喜欢这首歌。并且会感同身受，听着听着，会想流泪。

现在，还是很喜欢这首歌，听着时，却少了一份感同身受，鼻子，也少了那酸酸的感觉，心，不再纠结。

原来，真的会不同。


今天，林打电话来。讲了半天，很开心。挂上电话时，平问起她怎样啦。我说，开心啊。快做新娘子的人啦，当然开心。我去年这个时候就很开心。

我家那傻蛋就说，做新娘子就开心吗？结婚只是一天的事，有什么重要。

我生气地说，那你是说我们结婚那天不重要咯。

傻蛋回答，不是结婚不重要，是之后的日子重要。我们结婚只是一天。之后的那一段日子，从那一天到现在，生活在一起开心，那比较重要嘛。

…其实，我家那傻蛋，也不是那么傻。


至少，少了那揪心的想念…


不要等以后。

未必明天，就有以后。

所以我确信，我的现在，和我的以后一样幸福。

结婚周年纪念日 - 12月22日

我同我家那口子，性格不合。

真的。

他读理科。我读文科。他学的是电脑语言。我学的是古代汉语。有时，我真的认为我们语言不同，无法沟通。讲起话来是如假包换的鸡同鸭讲。

他中意呆在家里，足不出户。我喜欢旅游，更喜欢和朋友聚在一起。我喜欢在家里播放音乐，尤其圣诞时听圣诞歌曲。他嫌吵闹。而且一点也不明白庆祝圣诞有什么意义。我重视的东西，他一般都认为没意义。他，则没什么真的重视的东西。

平时在家，他工作，我写报告。休闲时，他玩他的电脑游戏。我看我的书，电视。各有所好。小小的一个房子，却井水不犯河水。真的是二人世界，两个人，分得清清楚楚。

原来计划去雪山过节，其实是想逼我们离开这个分割明确的小房子。雪山小屋，没有工作，游戏。两个人的世界，可以融合。

去不成啦。可是，我还是重视节庆的。 我家那口子不会，但，他会迁就我。

12月22日。结婚纪念日。我们出不了门，但还是能过得和平时不一样。

就一天，什么都一起做。

他玩电脑游戏，我在一旁看着，偶尔，也可以下海玩一玩。他输的时候，和他一起研究为什么，给他打打气。

我看港剧时，他尽管觉得无聊，也在一旁陪着。听不明白时，蛮横地按停问我发生什么事。看完整20集后，还学会主角的口头禅，一天念三遍来烦我。

结婚一年了。好快。

生活很简单。平时各忙各的，可生活还是紧密地联系在一起。纠结在生活的小细节上。煮饭，打扫。开车时谁记得路。身体不适时该买什么药。

冬至，煮几粒汤圆。热腾腾的。咬下去，滑溜溜黏黏软软甜甜。

不是每天都如此，但，很多时候都如此。

1st Wedding Anniversary - Winter Solstice

Yesterday was the first day of my wedding anniversary, and one of the crappiest days of my life.

We booked a chalet for the week months ago… to get out of the city. It’s at the Laurentian Mountains, up in Canada. It’s next to the lake, and comes with its own kitchen and a fireplace. It has no wireless internet and probably no phone reception. There promises to be snow and a week of time where we can concentrate on each other and nothing else.

I was underwater for the past couple of weeks writing about Yuan dramas and theatrical languages and debating the truthfulness in sixth generation films and soul separation stories before that. So, I had no idea about any snowstorm anywhere. Excepting that a friend telling me it’s snowing heavily in Boston and another friend that I met a day before telling me there’s a snowstorm up north, but she said I should miss it. I did check the weather forecast in Montreal a day before and there’s prediction of snow in the afternoon, but nothing about a snowstorm.

It started when we reach the airport at 930am. It should be too early because our flight is at 1120. But somehow, the self-check in refuses to work for us and we had to queue up at a queue for problematic people, a long queue with a long range of counters and only two people managing it. The queue took about an hour and by the time we got our boarding passes, it’s already 1050, the boarding time printed on the pass.

We made a run for it, rushing through security and literally running our gates, only to realize that the plane was delayed to 12 noon anyway. So, we relaxed and I took out my book. Then they announced that our plane didn’t have a crew, and they have to delay until they find a crew. And they found the crew and so we just have to wait until the crew checked the plane. And then they announced that our plane don’t have a pilot, and we could either wait until the pilot (which is scheduled to arrive at the airport at 2pm from Manchester), or we could hope that someone approves a switch of pilot. And then they announced the happy news that the pilot switch is approved and we could board.

And we finally boarded. And P fell asleep. I’m already half-way through the book but I figured I’m safe because the flight is only an hour and a half. But then they announced that the weather conditions in Montreal is bad and they have to delay the flight and we have to deplane. I woke P up (and he thought I woke him up because we arrived!) By now, it’s 1pm. And we should have touched down in Montreal already.

There were repeated announcements, saying that the flight is delayed and not cancelled. So we waited. At 2pm, they finally announced that the flight is cancelled. And we started queuing to check if we were rebooked. And this is the really horrible part. The queue was horribly long and at about 330pm, our gate counter said that they have to start boarding the second plane, and we could either wait until she’s done boarding and she’ll deal with us, or we could queue at the customer service line, a line snaking so long you literally cannot see the end. To cut the long story short, the gate counter service lady lied, she boarded the 4pm flight and then disappeared and never came back. We finally got to the head of the customer service line after an hour and half of queuing, only to be told that we were rebooked for 7am the next morning, and we can’t possibly get a flight out tonight. And they weren’t sure about the weather conditions tomorrow and if the plane would take off. And no, they don’t know anything about refunds and we aren’t getting hotel vouchers to stay for the night. Not knowing all our options, we couldn’t make a decision.

So we began calling expedia, another an hour and a half waiting on the phone as a girl with a kind voice made apologies as she tried to check our options. The conclusion is that we can get our money back. And at this point, we really didn’t want to spend the night of our first wedding anniversary in the airport, neither do we want to spend tomorrow in the airport if the flight gets cancelled again. And this may sound weird, but I kept having this little feeling in me that we aren’t meant to go on this trip… and all these are signs. The repeated delaying, the cancelling, the fact that we can’t get on a flight tonight etc etc. We aren’t supposed to go.

So at approximately 7pm, we decided to cut our losses and take the refund and go home. Only, we can’t find our luggage. So we spent another hour asking odd people (coz we didn’t want to queue another hour and half at the customer service line to ask) and finally found a counter responsible, only to be told that we can’t get our luggage today.

And thus everything resulted in as arriving at our apartment at 9pm, exactly 12 hours after we left it. Tired and feeling crappy and without our luggage.

So not the way I wanted to spent the first day of our wedding anniversary.

But, there were moments in the waiting when I would look over at the guy sitting next to me. The guy who is complaining and blaming me and saying irritating stuff like, “We are never going on a trip ever again” that really doesn’t help. And the same guy who is queuing by me, and asking me if I’m hungry and doing everything he can to make me a little more comfortable and trying to make little jokes to cheer me up.

The guy who would never leave me, whether I fly to Montreal tonight or go home.

Through weal and woe. Perhaps this is a proof of what we are supposed to go through and this first day of our wedding anniversary is woe.

If so, the second day darn right better with weal. And now I have to go drag my husband away from the computer (the first and foremost reason why I booked a chalet with no internet access in the first place!) to remind him that today isn’t a day for computer games.

笨小孩

感恩节时，趁着节庆，同几个朋友去唱K。三个男生和三个女生。三个男生个个都很会唱，尤其香港来的师兄，唱李克勤张学友刘德华，音准浑厚，身边的蕾开始还问是不是忘记关掉原声了。三个男生合唱《笨小孩》，默契十足，好好玩。好过我们几个女生试图以SHE的歌对比，歌曲不熟，失败。

《笨小孩》。

最近写着作业，越写越觉得自己是笨小孩。很多东西自己越看，不明白的就越多。挫折感很重。本来就不是很聪明吧。又加上不是很用工。凭着兴趣和一点点热情来读，有时候，真的觉得不够。

往着胸口拍一拍，勇敢站起来。老天自有安排。

是吗？可自己一直都宁愿相信生命自己安排。有时我怀疑自己有过多的自我控制欲。

今天和一个教授吃饭，说着话时，说到读不读博的问题。他对我说了一句。可问题是，你知不知道自己未来究竟想做什么？

这不是第一个问我这个问题的人了。可我到现在，还不知道问题的答案。

其实，不知道，或者说，不需要现在知道，其实是一种luxury，不是吗？不需要现在选择，也就不需要现在知道。反正，我有不现在选择，明年悠闲一年，慢慢写硕士论文的本钱。可就是有那种无头绪的烦躁。

最近在gmail养了一只小狐狸，每天过得清淡自在，早上栽花栽树打扫喂鸭，晚上喝汤点灯翻书写字。看着看着，很羡慕。跟平说，好想活得和它一样，简单，平淡。

可，偏偏知道，自己还没到那个能如此而知足的年龄。