雨

每次和人說起我住在西雅圖，得的回應多是：“西雅圖多雨，日子很悶吧。”

其實不然。這要看運氣。比如我周二周三全天窩在家中啃書兼翻譯。窗外就陽光明媚晴空萬裡。今早有課，一踏出門，就陰天細雨，讓人恨不得能鑽回被窩多睡個三小時。

早上還好，不過細雨紛飛。傍晚六點多回家時，卻是許久不見的滂沱大雨。從西雅圖市開回家，路經I90。這條高速地有些陷，有積水。前面車輛也不在乎大雨路滑，車速依舊保持每小時六十英裡。一排三輛車飛濺起的積水比大雨打在車窗上的雨水還多。雨刷拼命地刷，但我從車窗裡看出去的世界，依舊一片雨霧。彌蒙，仿若淚眼。小時候常聽人說，下雨，是天上的娘娘在哭泣。原來就是如此。

不過其實我也不介意。濛就濛吧。在雨中驅車，並聽著陳綺貞的《魚》，其實感覺還蠻好的。最近很愛這首歌。歌詞第一次聽的時候，實在聽不懂。反復聽好多次，才慢慢體味出其中的意思。悠游於大海的魚兒，因為一時貪圖人們對它的好，被關入城市的魚缸。日子久了，發現魚缸的水有多渾濁，想離開，卻已遲了，只換來滿身傷痕。自由的生活，並不容易。但若向往溫暖與舒適的生活，就必得放棄一些什麼。而往往，人都在放棄與妥協後，才發現這樣的交換有多不值得。歌的名稱是《魚》，歌詞中卻只字不提魚。不過在大雨中開著車，聽著“帶不走的丟不掉的讓大雨侵蝕吧”，霎那失神，還真的有種自己是魚的錯覺。

很難得的，今天我比老公晚回家。平常都是我在老公回家前把飯菜燒好等他回家開動。今天，角色首次反過來。在冰涼的天氣中回到家，有熱騰騰的粥喝。這樣的感覺，原來那麼幸福。

其實很多時候，妥協或放棄，視人而異。天下雨了，你是開心還是郁悶，其實在你。雨天，也有其美。最重要的是，下了決定後，就不要後悔。



帶不走的留不下的我全都交付他
讓他捧著我在手掌自由自在揮灑
如果有一個懷抱勇敢不計代價
別讓我飛 將我溫柔豢養
原諒我飛 曾經眷戀太陽

《艋舺》

最近看了《艋舺》。之前看了新聞，都說票房有多好多好，而且演員陣容裡又是當紅的偶像劇演員，原以為是個很商業的片子。看了，才發現其實是個步調較慢，拍得很細膩的片。有人說這是台灣的《古惑仔》。我卻覺得，這是台灣的《陽光燦爛的日子》。當然，也可能是我自己的問題 – 生生把一部商業黑道片看成了一部青春文藝片。

全片色調很一致。淡淡的泛黃，透射出導演懷舊的心情。亮眼的服飾與道具帶出那個時代在導演心中的光鮮。優美纏綿的背景音樂投射出導演無法割捨的心情。這一部片子拍的殘酷，拍的唯美，拍的絢爛。因為這一部片子拍的是導演的青春吧。片子140分鍾那麼落落長，也許也是因為導演的放不下。有報道說導演終於完成了電影的後期制作的那一晚，騎著單車回家，在台北市的街頭，淚流滿面，激動得臉都皺起來。當時的年少輕狂不復在。

所以導演喜用櫻花。和日本的武士道精神。兩者如同青春一般，短暫而殘酷，絢麗而唯美。尤其喜歡白猴因為毆打時被打落了一只牙，吐了口血在地上，和尚在聽了蚊子的故事後，隨手指了指地上那瓣血跡，說：“喏，櫻花。”那一刻的隨意玩笑，帶出了櫻花的本質。美艷卻輕賤。花瓣一落地，就是被踐踏的命運。比之片末和尚飛濺的血在蚊子面前幻化成漫天櫻花的那一幕純樸多了。坦白講不喜歡那一幕，太過誇張。

喜歡片中用物品來表示不同的情感的技巧。雞腿為親情。一開始，蚊子便是因為便當盒中母親准備的雞腿而入黑道。蚊子後來和老大一起啃雞腿，是他第一次享受到父子間的情感。以致老大最後死在他懷中時，他披麻戴孝誓死報仇，仿佛父仇不共戴天的是他，不是志龍。Yoyo代表友情。首先是和尚故意碾壞蚊子的yoyo，後來他們成了兄弟後，他買了一個新的給他，還是個熒光的，黑暗中會發亮。心情不好時，他會叫蚊子玩給他看。可是一旦兄弟反目，蚊子立即從兜裡抓出Yoyo掐住和尚的頸項。那動作是那麼的自然，連想都沒想。上一刻的友情信物，下一刻卻成了最利的武器。

其實這片中最亮眼的是太子幫的友情。最動人的情景有兩個。不是圍斗區殺。第一個，是在他們翻牆逃學時。和尚跨坐在圍牆上，對蚊子伸出一只手。這一幕在片子開頭和結尾都有，說的是信任。五個男生跨在斑駁的圍牆上，映著藍天，這就是青春和兄弟。那面圍牆是在導演的國中取的景。想必導演國中時期常翻，特別有感觸，才能拍得那麼唯美。第二個，是太子幫在貨倉中的嬉鬧。阮經天在受訪時說這一幕戲是他印象最深刻的一幕，也是拍得最開心的一次，現在想起還起雞皮疙瘩。確實，那一幕拍得極其自然。在片末credits的時候，謝幕字邊又出現這慕戲被剪的部分。一群男生配著纏綿的主題曲叼著一根煙嬉笑打鬧。青春總離不開最純真的感情。

片中眾小生中，演得最好的該屬阮小天。之前看過阮經天的幾部偶像劇。一直覺得這個小生演技平平。這次，卻真的讓人眼前一亮。和尚的陰狠睿智他都發揮得淋漓盡致不說。單就和尚對志龍的感情，含蓄卻深情，看了還真有點感動。有些東西，埋得很深很深了，可還是溢出一點點。那樣的感情，讓人看了會心疼。和尚對志龍的感情就是如此壓抑。和尚和志龍第一次一起出現在鏡頭，人人都看蚊子被打，和尚看的卻是志龍。那眼神，蘊含著的感情，很深厚。小小的細節，卻表露出阮經天的演技，比之我之前看的《敗犬》，確實更上一層了。和尚被志龍砍死時，嘴角的那一笑，在幕落後一直縈繞於心。日本武士道，相信人應死於青春的巔峰。櫻花化血幻化為蝶。這才是保留美與力的唯一方法。而這一點，和尚做到了。在他最愛的人的手中做到了。這，是否是那些活過了巔峰期的人的遺憾？

另外一提，看了一些評論，都在猜說和尚和志龍好曖昧哦。懷疑導演是不是暗指和尚對志龍的感情不單純。拜托，導演哪裡有暗指，根本就明白表明了嘛。從開始蚊子就含蓄地說了，和尚對義氣的定義是志龍。他自己也說了，他所做的一切，都是為了志龍。再看片中文謙說的話，和尚對志龍處處保護，多次吃醋，說這只是兄弟情，屁啦。

喜歡這部片。盡管不是沒有缺點。卻是真的用心去拍的一部片。放了感情進去的東西，會自然發光的。我想，真要拍出自己心中那一段無法割捨的歲月，不容易吧。畢竟有些東西，經歷過一次就好。反復復習，反而會失卻最初的純粹。有時還會內傷呢。

Babysitting 101

Yesterday marks my first baby-sitting experience, another milestone in my life :p

Kevin and Linda popped by in the afternoon to give us some niangao Linda made. Linda made niangao as it was the last day of CNY and they were doing the rounds. We were their third stop. When they said they were going over to the Seattle side next to pass the niangao to Kevin’s sister and planned to do some grocery shopping at Uwajimaya too, I impulsively said they could leave Curtis at my place if they want – it’ll give them a little alone time to run their errands. Kevin grabbed onto the opportunity and was out of the door before I knew it.

Bleah. I totally didn’t know what I got myself into! Babysitting is way more tiring that I expect. Luckily, Curtis did not cry at all even though Kevin said he’ll definitely cry for the first fifteen minutes. He kept running round in circles and seems tireless. I did not know that two-year-olds had so much energy. My place had no toys and I was afraid he’ll be bored, but he was very happy just running around the place and playing with a handheld massager and the iDog I got for Hongping for Christmas. I didn’t dare take my eyes off him for a minute in case he knocks himself into something – just that stress and fear alone was exhausting. I can’t imagine how Linda and all the other Moms I know do it 24 hours a day!

And Hongping didn’t help at all – he simply sat at his table and worked; only lifting his head occasionally to say, “Hello Curtis”. Little Curtis is also very smart. I told him to go “play with Uncle Hongping”, but he somehow knew he wasn’t supposed to do that. So he’ll run up to Hongping and stare at him silently for a few minutes and run back to me laughing.



I have to admit that for all the stress and exhaustion trying to keep up with this constant bundle of energy, Curtis is a very joyful kid to have in the house. He didn’t throw a single tantrum and his antics of climbing up and down chairs and sofas brought much laughter to a usually quiet afternoon. I actually had a lot of fun taking care of this little two-year-old for the couple of hours. I love how he answers questions with simple childish logic and how he attempts to help in his little ways when I was doing the vacuuming. When I asked if he wanted to help me vacuum, he nodded his head vigorously. He rolled up the yoga mat and put it away before helping me plug in the vacuum, only to run and jump back to the sofa while staring at me with big innocent eyes, waiting for me to finish vacuuming. Kawaii ne!



All in all, it was an enjoyable afternoon and a memorable experience, mainly because it was only for an afternoon. I cannot fathom doing this long-term at all! The responsibility, the stress! Just the thought of it is scary enough. Some people are meant for parenthood and some aren’t. I guess we fall into the latter. Just a couple of hours every now and then will more than fulfill our parental experience ☺