原乡人

昨夜，因为google很伟大地添加了video chat这个功能，终于能够在网上和老爸面对面聊天。看得出爸爸很开心。因为他频频说我漂亮了。会真心说我漂亮的，除了平，就只有我老爸吧。

最近，碰到许多触我心根的事物。

广东课上，老师播放了《忘不了》这部港片。是一部不一样的爱情片，拍得蛮细致，催人泪下。班上几个女生都看得哭了。我也泪眼婆娑，但真正让我流泪不止的，是最后张柏芝同她父亲的那一幕。父亲对着小孩子说给站在一旁的长大的女儿听：“我不管你做什么，只想你做之前跟我说一声。我只要知道就好。”争执了一辈子的父女，就这一个简单的心结，终于解开了。

我呀，其实是个不孝至极的女儿。

单看我学什么方言就知。福建话客家话不学，偏偏学和我没关联的广东话。

最近在电影课和文学课上，也都碰到许多系根的词语，人物。

电影课就碰到侯孝贤，杨德昌，两个广东梅县的客家人。

文学课则是吴浊流，钟理和，也是客家人。

读的时候，感觉奇妙。他们用的客家语，感觉那么陌生。却是自己父亲的语言。
是客家人写的呢。而且，是和自己祖先来自的同一个城镇的客家人。
也许，几千年前。我们的血缘，来自同一个人。长得什么样子，有着什么性情？
我们又是否有着相似的 一些什么呢？

人，为什么总有些不由自主地想寻根呢？知道自己来自何处又如何？

真的，为什么一定要知道？

叶落归根，化作春泥。

但若根植繁复如丝如网蔓延，飘零的枯叶又该落归何处植根？

原乡人。何处是原乡？

是祖国吗？祖国又是那？生长之处吗？新加坡？还是祖籍之处？中国？中国那么大，归至北京算不算？还是终归还是得回广东？但客家人，又并非源自广东。
有朋友曾给平和我算过紫微，说我们两个，命定漂泊。看看我们未来的几年的打算，也的确如此。

我们的根，是我们的家。偏偏我们老是搬家。

有时，也不知道这样的生活值不值得。居无定所。有时想买个漂亮一点的家具，或多几个锅铲，都会想一年后搬家麻烦而作罢。

昨天在上中国画课时，老师讲到了明代吴门画派的代表人物沈周。一生八十二年足不出苏州市方圆百步之外。从未应举，朋友相见，都是朋友来访。绘画无数，飘然一生。

像个乡巴佬。活在自己的小世界。不好吗？自足，写意。更重要的是，如意。

偏生我就是做不到。

我相信，不管最后结果如何，试过就无悔。

就家这个概念，模糊了点。

原乡人呀。

十一月半

快十二月了。以前最中意十一月。今年却因为整日都埋首写作业，十一月都过了近一半也没发觉。

学期末的来临，总是带着压力。交Finals的压力。就是这个时候，平就会很幸灾乐祸地说，早跟你说别读了。花钱找罪受不就如此。

有时，还真的会想想，值得与不值得。

昨天赶功课，几个同学整个周日都窝在图书馆。不年轻的人，花样年华就如此消磨在四面都堆积书尘的房间，研究着两个汉代人讨论天气。阴阳雨雹讲个半天。

到底在干嘛啦。

但，偏偏。还是觉得值得。

不知所谓又如何。有些事，有些人，就是甘愿。

一一道来

花了近四个小时，看了电影《一一》。

淡淡的一部戏。拍得很细，很用心，很长。一百七十三分钟。边看边做笔记，不知不觉，已过了一个下午，仿佛是一个人生。

不是第一次看这部电影，但记得不多。因为是好几年前。也因为，电影本身，太过内敛，无波无浪。看了，就如暖水洗身，水过无痕。就记得，一个小男生，爱拍人的后脑勺。一个女生，为着忘记丢垃圾而内疚着。

电影好静，又很琐碎。人物很多，都勾勒得很细。 每一个都特别，也就都不特别。每一个，都是一个个体。导演说，所谓《一一》，就是一个又一个的个体。人人都有自己的故事。但都是一点点。这儿一点点，那儿一点点，慢慢地，一点一点编织成一部电影。

每一个人，都是一个孤岛。这句话，听过。但在《一一》中，却那么明确地强调。同是一家人，你是如此的亲近，也如此的陌生。我不知道你心里在想什么。你也不知道我看重的是什么。同一屋檐下，却是陌路人。

戏如人生。这一句话，从没这么真实过。朋友比我先看，投诉说是这学期最难看，最闷的戏。因为，人生，本就如此，平凡沉闷。尤其是他人的人生，看起来，那么地普通，乏味。小男生被欺负。女生第一次恋爱。中年男人挫折。女人的困惑。以红事启始，白事结束。人生本如此。空白，琐碎，丑陋。所有压抑在心里的秘密，是那么的无可谓。却又那么残酷地一层层地剥夺人可贵的纯真。以致一个才八岁的小男生，在望着一个刚出生的小婴儿，会感概地叹老。

你看不到，所以我拍给你看。我们看不到的又何止如此。而看到了，又如何呢？就会明白吗？不明白又如何？ 明白了又如何？再活一次吗？没那个必要。人生，一次也太累。

也许，又会很快地忘记这部电影。但年龄会让人记住不一样的东西。在观戏时，心中，有些不知什么，却在慢慢沉淀。也许，因为，我老了。

evidence

When I am overworked and stressed and facing deadlines wherever I look, I tend to do silly things. Like spend time on facebook (in normal times, I never go to facebook except to approve friends. Now, I check it 10 times a day). Like take photos of my incredibly messy table (which has an order! Just not to anyone’s eyes but mine). Which explains why I have photos back in my uni days of stacks of notes on the bed. It appears that I do not change, although I do age.

And so, here, to entertain friends. And to remind people that although I might take awhile to answer emails, and also occasionally miss your calls because I keep forgetting to turn it on after class, I am still alive. Here be evidence of my existence. I.e., photos of my home.

This is my table. And the magnificent contraption that P rigged so I get two screens. Which is amazingly useful in essay writing as I can have my draft right next to me.



And this is my bookshelf. And yes, I know it’s gotten a lot messier since the last photo.



And to show I’m not the only untidy person, this is P’s table! Recently, he’s been on a computer-building mission that requires the taking apart of a lot of computers. As you can see, he has run out of space to the extent that he’s working on the floor. Heehee. At least I’m not reduced to that. Yet. And yes, I do have stuff on the floor too. But I’m not taking photos of that.



And this, is the last home project that I undertook, in the too far away past when I still had the time for home projects. It’s a photoframe-board, that holds eight photos and we write our daily schedule on it. It’s one of my favorite things in the house ☺



And now… a return to the essay that is due in two days. Sometimes… I wanna ask myself, why am I not asking myself why?

Indian Summer

We had a run of gloriously bright sun-drenched days the past week. Indian summer, a beautiful time in fall. The air loses the cold bite and the gold leaves dazzles in the sunlight.

Forecast says it’ll end by tomorrow with a rainstorm. And it’s back to reality after the short sunny holiday, how I wish we have a longer break! I just want to take one week and do nothing but read, the library books I borrowed have been collecting dust after its second renewal.

I have such a love-hate relationship with my work, similar to my attitude towards fall. I love fall, the cold, brisk air, so refreshing. And I love wrapping myself up in scarves and warm jackets. But I also enjoy the easiness of the past week, being able to run out the door in just short sleeves and sandals when I’m late for class, with no need for any additional fuss.

I love my work, I really do. I love the readings and the adrenaline when I’m doing the brainwork and I love the satisfaction when I complete the assignments. I love the lectures that set me thinking. And I love the research that make me all dusty mentally and physically. But I also love being able to just immerse myself in my CSI episodes and trashy books and have more time to cook the dishes that take such a long time to prepare!

Just finished my weekly response for the E&D module, and still have tons more of work to do. The weekly response took longer than it used to coz I’m still in such a lethargic holiday mood. Have a humanities forum seminar I want to attend at the Penn Museum in the evening, than will be helping a friend move house. I want to cook dinner, but I don’t know if I’ll have time to, have to finish watching this week’s film, King of the Children, tonight as well before the seminar class tomorrow. P borrowed a dvd from netflix that I'm interested in too...

I miss the Indian summer before it’s even over…

紅高粱

今天看《紅高粱》。

不知多久多小以前看過，忘了。也忘了看過幾次。這種經典片子，八頻道總重播。但這片子小時候覺得悶的，重播也未必看，最多當作背景音樂。

今天因為課業看。光碟質地有夠差。這堂課每周都得看一部片，上幾周的片子還是好舊的片，二十年代五十年代的都有。這一部比起來也不算多舊，原片竟然還是個錄像帶，光碟是從錄像帶抄過來的。看得我頭疼欲裂。

依稀記得這片子。重看前，就記得壓高粱的那一幕。重看時，剝皮的那一幕感覺最熟悉。但，觀畢時，縈繞在腦海的，卻是閉幕時那鮮紅的螢幕，和那小孩子為娘指路的聲音，稚嫩而嘹亮。

娘，娘，上西南！寬寬的長路，長長的寶船。娘，娘，上西南！騮騮的駿馬，足足的盤纏。娘，娘，上西南。你甜處安身，你苦處化纏。

不為什麼，就是記著。一個小孩，為娘親指路。

最近忙，少上來了。忙的，都是自己喜歡的東西，少了埋怨，少了時間，也就少了寫作的動力。

但，接觸的東西，卻大都帶點傷感。熟背墓葬畫時想當時安葬的傷。翻大開本的字典時感到莫名的寂寥。看文革前後的文學和電影時有些感同身受的無奈。就如《紅高粱》吧， 偶爾，還是會有些惆悵。

好久沒聽聞許多人的近況了。還好嗎？

欠了一些人的電郵沒回，很抱歉。但還是很希望聽到你們的訊息，心總是掛念著的

Philadelphia Life+phillyfringe

School’s finally started and the heavy courseload I took up is starting to weigh in on life…

P says it’s my own fault for taking up too many activities. “Isn’t it enough that you juggled your life for 3 years?” He asks.

*shrugs*

Perhaps it’s just me? Taking on 6 courses (with a language one that drives me nuts with the 2 hour classes in the evenings of 4 module days), extra-curricular activities, trice-weekly gym workouts, additional translation work and cooking everyday and plays in the weekends… I need to cut back but I don’t know how to live life any less… and I don’t know if I want to. I want everything, but I also want to do nothing. In fact, I dreamt of doing nothing for the past year, only to come here and take up everything again.

What’s wrong with doing nothing? Cut out all the additional stuff… just concentrating on my 6 courses and P. Perhaps that’s what I need to learn to do…

Especially when P’s been a dear this last couple of weekends, following me around town for the Philly fringe shows which he honestly doesn’t enjoy. And he can’t even fall asleep coz I always want to sit in the front row.

Caught a whole lot of plays these last couple of weekends. It’s the annual Live Arts and Philly fringe festival, which kinda reminds me of the M1 fringe fest, just way larger in scale. I picked 11 priced shows and 4 free events that I wanted to go for, and that’s like about 10 percent of the shows!

The plays are mostly low-cost productions, in small, intimate theatre spaces, some way off the beaten path (or as P would say, very ulu!). The turn out is always kinda spotty, and the plays we went to are not all good (there’s even one that is really only a reading which wasn’t stated in the show description; I felt kinda cheated and P fell asleep), but there’s gems mixed in the rocks.

“9/11 – A Day in the Life of a People” was poignantly done. The characters were extremely real. And the 7-years after part, although not factual, was very believable and painful, the price we continue to pay years after the event itself.

“Beauty is”, on the harm and effects of crystal meth, was exquisitely done. The choreography hauntingly beautiful, the acting so sharp it positively sliced through the air.

“The Widow’s Blind Date” was yesterday, and it rained torrents due to the tropical storm Hanna which brought winds over 30mph. Horrible, horrible day. Normally I don’t mind wind and rain, but not on a day that I was already stressed about. I had tons of readings and a 2 hour film that took me 3 hours to watch complete with note-taking. Also had a bookclub meeting in the afternoon which together with going to the library in the morning constitutes a lot of time spent outside in the rain. AND, I had homework due on Sunday. Originally planned to do a gallery showing before the play. P met me after the meeting and we already walked to Spruce St. to catch the bus. But with the horrible rain and wind turning our umbrellas inside-out, I gave up and we went home instead. Stayed in for 2 hours and we took a cab to the theatre for the 8pm show. I actually had played with the idea of giving on the show altogether… but thank goodness I didn’t. It was a good play, diabolical, but that’s the good part of it. The twist in the end was totally unexpected and the acting literally had me at the edge of my seat. Also, the storm ended when we got out of the theatre and the light night air refreshed my lousy mood and I was actually happy again as we walked home.

Today, on the other hand, was a bright and sunny day. I managed to finish my homework by 10am. Shaved off the top of my reading and cooked a lot of food for lunch. So by the time we left home for the matinee show of “Sex, with benefits”, I was already happy. Took the trolley to Baltimore and it was a sweet neighborhood. The play was good too, the topic slightly overdone – online-chat-partners-falling-in-love-only-to-find-what-they-wanted-wasn’t-the-same-thing. Still, the theme of love never grows old and the lines were good and the acting wasn’t bad. It was early so we went to Penn’s Landing, a place that reminded me of marina promenade. Blue skies and blue waters and a bright shining sun. The find of the day must be Zento, a sushi place at 2nd and Chestnut that serves the best sushi I’ve had since I came to Philly (and people who know me would know that even though it’s only a month, I’ve ate a lot of sushi). P is very proud because we wouldn’t have happened across the sushi place if he didn’t suggest taking another route back to 2nd street from Penn’s Landing.

We caught Ombelico’s Romeo and Juliet comedy at the Betsy Ross House courtyard in the evening, a commedia dell’arte piece that even P enjoyed.

And now we’re home… with me having to finish at least two more pieces of reading before sleep and bringing the week to a close.

p/s: there’s still another weekend of Philly fringe shows. Will talk more if there’s shows I like.

话闲聊

白驹过隙。

今天带了一个团。就绕着校园一圈，简单介绍。一个团员问我来了多久了。算一算，近一个月了。身边的新朋友说，感觉上却好像很久了。团员惊讶，才一个月就能带团了？呵，一个月，却感觉真的熟悉很多了。而且，新人往往知道新人最迫切想知道什么，和不知道什么。

转眼，夏季就快过了。

很快，就不能穿之前因为是老师所以不能天天穿的清凉亮眼衣服了。才几个月呢。有点不甘心。不过，就能披上好久没披的暖暖美美秋衣。

父母朋友在埋怨我好久没写了，看到这，一定说我一写就写一些穿什么衣服的废话。

其实最近真的没在干嘛。所以一定要写，也就只能说一些废话了。

最近，就是每天煮煮饭、熬熬汤。嫁为人妇，不就是洗手做羹汤咯。最精彩的是拿了车，能去亚洲超市买菜的那一天，终于能买到枸桔子、蜜枣、当归、人参，能好好熬一锅肉骨莲藕汤。一连喝了三天，简直是这几周的最高点。而且还能买到紫菜！

兴奋到忘了拍照。其实，03年后就很久没有在煮了饭后拍照留念了。少了那份新鲜和单纯。几年后看到平的同屋，是一对孪生兄弟，在每一次煮了饭后都拍照留念时，会心一笑。下面这一张照，说是拍那一碟没什么特别的西红柿炒豆腐，不如说因为这一天，阳光明媚，映得一碟红艳灿烂的菜很亮眼，心情好，就照一张吧。


最近的活动最主要就是看医生。无病无痛的一个人，这几周却不断地往诊所跑，不但很罪过，而且很冤枉。而且老是打针抽血的，把好好的一个人折腾得没病都痛了。预防针左右打，血也左右抽，前前后后上上下下打了六个针！明明健健康康好好的人，怎么想都很白搭。

再来就是几个周末的小小出游。主要是在费城的古城绕，了解一下这个国家的历史。平绕得很闷，可见以前很讨厌历史。其实也还好啦。有些还蛮有趣的。

如这条街道，是全美国最古老的居家街。有超过三百年的历史了，改头换面了好几次，现在红瓦绿叶堂皇，可当初，一间小小的房子得挤下二十多人时，却不知是如何的灰暗？


这张有点朦胧的照，是Independence Hall，是美国独立宣言签订之处。中间那张平平无奇的椅子有个相当壮宏的名字，叫The Chair of the Rising Sun，是华盛顿的椅子哦。 椅子上端有半个太阳。据说那时富兰克林端详了半天，一直无法判断这半个太阳究竟是日出还是日落。在签订美国宪法时，他终于决定这半个太阳，是旭日东升，而非夕阳西下。这个有些破烂的椅子，也从此著名。

除了小小出游外，日子多都在忙碌和不忙碌间过。这里网线还蛮快的。偶尔就在网上看一些戏。那天在看星光三班时，偶然间听到这一首歌。

远离家乡 不甚唏嘘 幻化成秋夜
而我却像落叶归根 坠在你心间

夏天要过了呢。而如今日般的艳阳将渐渐少见了吧。其实也还好啦。就不知为何，今日有些惆怅。

买了一束金葵，算是对夏天，和那长年都是夏的家乡的一个回眸吧。

今天带了这么一个团，对着十余个人讲话，忽然间还蛮怀念对着我那几班小瓜讲话的日子。刚考了期中考，不知那些小瓜怎么了？

熟悉·家

来了差不多有一周了。开始熟悉这个地方。

人的韧性是很强的。只要一熟悉一个地方，很自然就有家的感觉。而我，大概只要知道怎么去一个地方，哪儿有什么，哪里可以买到什么东西，就很自然把那个地方当家了。

今天第一次下城。之前一直很抗拒，宁愿上网买东西也不愿想怎么去找进城的方式。今天一试，原来也不过两个捷运站！接下来，应该会经常去了。

这几天一直都在收拾房子。我呀，一辈子大概也没这么顾家过。天生娇气，任谁都管我是个大小姐。老爸老妈都认为，来到这里，应该是平在管家。连我也这么认为。但，没办法，平这一周有个“死期”在赶。我又受不了房子很乱。所以迫不得已就收拾了。还蛮有满足感的，看到整个房子整整齐齐的。而且每次平问什么东西在哪儿时，都能马上说出哪里的那个抽屉。成就感很足。但就很快变得很阿嫂，不断埋怨平把收好的东西用了乱放、让他吸地两天了还是没吸，冰箱没关好等。就这样，三天一小吵，就是老夫老妻了。还好没两天一大吵。

收家几天的一大心得，与大家分享。就是万能强力胶的伟大！真的很神奇哦。无论是把裂成两半的爱心盘粘得天衣无缝，而且不漏水；还是把挂了几天就没用地掉下的壁钩粘回墙壁，都好用得没话说。其中一个壁钩是挂手巾而已呢，这样也掉，壁钩本身的粘性可见一斑。另一个是挂很重的洗澡用品，用强力胶粘上后，真的都不掉了。我从此崇拜万能强力胶。

接下来，看看几张这几天拍的照。





这一张是前几天平和我去找间店时走错地方，跑到个住宅区时照的。这里的房子都蛮有特色的。这里的人，更是友善，都很热于助人。有时看我们穷学生，都会偷偷给我们优惠。其实，我还蛮幸运的，无论去到哪里，都碰到好人。

这一张是今天进城时拍的一张照。是用新手机拍的哦。是费城的市政府大厦。还蛮雄伟的。有一度曾是世界最高的建筑呢。上面那黑黑的东西是成立费城的William Penn铜像。这么壮观的建筑，在找厕间的平看到时，只想：“那么大的建筑里头应该有厕所吧？”让人想晕倒。

这一张是我大学的中央大道。这里横的街道都以树为名。我们住的叫Chestnut St，这条就叫Locust Walk。林荫大道，两边都是风格各异的学术馆，还蛮有味道的。傍晚漫步过这古道时，能感觉这百余年的老校在说故事。

最后一张是我家。总觉得，一个家，应该有花。不是能养活植物的料，所以就买花咯。紫蓝的鸢尾与点点纯白的满天星，摆在桌上，添色怡情。Iris, if you see this, this is for you too.

好了。要去读书了。要考这里的驾照，得先考个Learners' Permit，就得读个驾驶条规理论的东东。平很开心呢，说我提早读书。也不顾我满腹哀怨。

新生活·第一天

昏昏沉沉的。

尽管在飞行前的一晚没睡，行李收拾不完之余想顺便把生理时钟调试过来。但在飞机上睡得没头没脑的，还是失败。抵达费城时，刚好就半夜十二点，时针滑入八月二日。进房间时，发现卧房洗澡房都没电，闹了许久才解决。结果，两点才趴到床上，感觉无比疲惫却又无比清醒。半寐半醒了几个小时，六点钟就无论如何睡不着了。

所以，新生活的第一天，就是昏昏沉沉地过。

第一天，最成功的，就是闹着平把整间房子都清洗一遍。来到新的地方，就是有些洁癖。早上出门就去超市买了洗洁剂，回来抹抹刷刷了一个早上。下午，我整理我那三箱书，平安装他那几架电脑，很各有所职。

劳累了一天后，房子终于有些家的样子了。

三箱书其实不算什么嘛。六个架子都装不下。就平爱大惊小怪，一直说我带的书太多。

努力中的平。他很骄傲哦，今早就把电脑连上线了。小小一个房子，就有四个电脑屏幕，怎么看都象个现成网吧。

小小的一个房间，转个身就会撞倒人，真的是个蜗居。可，就很喜欢，很温馨。

是我们第一个家呢。

p/s：谢谢所有在八月一日早上五点至六点出现在机场送我的人，那么惨无人道的时间，我自己得到机场都觉得痛苦，没想到还有人愿意来送别。现在想起，还是想落泪。

惜取此时心

本以为此刻会有千言万语。没想到，静下来的一刻，却竟是无语。

长长的一天，多次的泪水决堤。多次的心灵触动。

学生也好，朋友也好，亲人也好。

太多太多的感动。沉沉地压在心。也就无语。

真的，写不出。今天发生的种种，在学校的部门，4I, 4J , 4D，武术。朋友接续不断的简讯与电话。家人，亲人，朋友上门的问候。

不是不想写，不是不想记。但有些事，我选择记在心里。

方文山有词曰，邀明月，让回忆皎洁。

也许如此的选择，是愿回忆长藏在心，惟有月色分明。


都问，期待吗？

刚刚几分钟前收拾完，林问我时，才认真想这个问题。

期待吗？

六年半的等待，就剩一夕。

期待吗？

还是无语。

时间， 真的是眨眼而逝。

方文山有另一句词，仿佛回应上一句。月色被打捞起，晕开了结局。积累了回忆后 ，结局是如何，谁也不晓得。

对着身边的人，不是不舍得。

每一个都不舍得。

最近读了本小说，其中有一句，蛮喜欢。

明朝即长路，惜取此时心。

不敢承诺些什么。未来有太多的未知。有时有些事，不是有心就能维此的。
但，我的那位你。若你读到也好，没读到也好。

我都想告诉你。

无论未来是否会不会再见。再见时此情是否依旧。

相信，我不会忘记。

此刻。此情。我们共有的回忆。

珍重。我在世界的某一角，祝福着。

Sex and the City

23 days and counting… my days are packed and my bags aren’t… not a very good combination.

Been sneaking episodes of Sex and the City in between, work, dates, packing and sleep…

Xinyi lent them to me after I caught the film with her. She can’t believe that I haven’t watched a single episode before. They are addictive and good, despite the fact that sometimes I so want to slap Carrie. Am I the only one who thinks she’s irritating? I liked her enough in the film, but in the TV shows, there are times when her neuroses are frankly grating on my nerves.

I think the episodes are the only thing that’s keeping me sane right now. I have a schedule that’s unbelievable and work so piled that I’m starting to run on 4 hours of sleep per day… and thinking about cutting back to 2. In fact, have cut back to 2 last night. Meals are down to 2 a day, hopefully the first isn’t simply fruits. And my temper is getting so short, that even I pity my students who are mostly getting the brunt of it as I have no patience left and snap at them almost every lesson.

And so, to survive it all. I’m turning to Sex. And the City. And yes, I know I shouldn’t! So I sneak them like I’m doing drugs. Illicitly. I watch them on the laptop with the earphones while hidden in the corner of my room. An episode here and an episode there. One after marking 10 essays. Just one after a shower while waiting for my hair to dry. One after packing a box cause I’m too tired to move anyway. One just before I sleep. And yes, occasionally, I can’t stop myself and go on a binge, especially on weekend nights where I finish 6 episodes at a go. 20 mins per episode. I’m down to only Season 5 & 6.

It’s supposed to reflect the real lives of women. But somehow, it doesn’t to me. These women. They aren’t living real lives. They have problems and dysfunctional relationships and make tons of mistakes. But that doesn’t constitute real lives… somehow… they don’t have the uncertainness that mortals have… the lost and “I have no freaking idea what the hell I’m doing” & the “I think I’m destroying my life but I’m not sure and I don’t know how the hell to be and even if I do, I don’t know how to stop myself”…

Too often, we hear the line:

“It was then that Carrie/Miranda/Charlotte/Samantha realized, that….., and she (made some whatever important decision)”

And that’s not real. We don’t have that. There isn’t a moment that we “realize” anything. And even if we do, what we “realize” probably isn’t true and just what we *think* we “realize”.

But, whatever. It’s still a fun show with lots of great lines. And, it’s playing a big part in keeping me away from tearing my hair out and running away to the states early with only my passport in my hands.

Disneyland, Oriental-Style

Took a detour through chinatown today between oral examinations and a dinner date at Clarke Quay. I can barely recognize the place. I felt like a tourist. Hell, anyone would feel like a tourist. It's like Disneyland, Oriental-style. There are pedestrian streets complete with paris-style street cafes and German wurstelstands selling kasekrainer (which I was actually tempted to buy in memory of my 04 Europe trip). Colorful swatches of fabrics reminiscence of Thai street markets gleamed with polished slabs of seals.

Never underestimate the power of commercialism.

I always knew Chinatown has turned into a tourist stop. The rainbow of colors splashed over the rows of shophouses and the overpriced hawker fare at Smith St. was hard to overlook. But, when did it totally lose its soul?

The epitome of "tourist spot". When a place exists sole for tourists. and became an oxymoron in itself.

I think about the Chinatown that was. And never would be again.

Thanks heaven for the groups of checkers-playing old men next to the brand new temple. who incidentally still spat on the floor after clearing their throat. the only identity of Chinatown.


p.s. Am I the only one who blinked at the transliteration of Temple Street, two different ones side by side? What's wrong with a direct translation of Temple?

假末随笔

刚看了部不坏不好的片子。
《天行者》。替天行道的天行。
原来知道有郑伊健，就联想到古惑仔。有点抗拒，本想错过算了。
但也还好。没演得太过火。
蛮喜欢张智霖的。他的马守仁，嘴角坏坏的一笑，很勾人。
整体味道不错。剧情也还能看。
其实今天有点病恹。看得也不太仔细。
大概，就是一场轮回吧。还好，没拍得歇斯底里。

有句话，留下了印象。
还人心愿，还己心愿。
不是多伟大的想法。
天道轮回，非人所料。
记着这句话，人，大概都会比较好过吧。

身体不适，也就这么在家赖着。看电视，改卷子。
还蛮怀念台湾的电视节目，五花八门，高质量。如《百万大歌星》，笑料十足又能听歌。
尤其在看《唯我独尊》时怀念《星光大道》。歌艺才艺点子不讲，就是参赛者的口才也都不能比。

赖了一天，改来改去，也就改了十份卷子。
想到明天要回去骂学生没完成假期功课，不是没有心虚惭愧。
但没办法，职责所在。该骂还是得骂。

其实最近学校发生的一些事，想到就惹我气。
同事说得对。学生是我的死穴。
惹我没关系。别拿我的学生威胁我。
我会生气。而我生气，就会失去理智。
事情就处理得不好，很不好。
平时的我，还算圆滑。
但碰到了我的死穴。就变得有些笨。

临走前，在原本干净的纪录上留下了污点。
不过又如何。学校的纪录只是表面功夫。
学生才是真正的肯定。

6月18日。谢谢你们。
表演也好，录像也好。布条也好。
你们这三年的成长，是最好的肯定。
无数次的表演与比赛，你们证明给所有人看。
立化武术，是行的。 不管有没有人支持。
谢谢你们，给了我这么美好的回忆。

因为你们，这三年，没白走。

嫁

6月21日。夏至。

为我此生最初的朋友披上了嫁衣裳。

漫漫一天的婚礼。

早晨五点着装。六点至新娘家。新娘难得羞答答的样子。开始备好酸甜苦辣。七点刁难来势汹汹的新郎与众兄弟。八点开始一波又一波的敬茶、换装。持续至晚上近午夜十二点。结一次婚，不简单。

新娘子是漂亮的。
什么叫容光焕发？看一看着上白纱的新娘就知道。一日的灿烂笑容。
什么叫喜气洋洋？看一看迎接新娘的新郎就知道。一日的兴奋紧张。

记得，尝试闯门时新郎的无赖与耍赖。
记得，无法可至时新郎那难得的歌喉。
记得，成功入门时新郎的手舞与足蹈。
记得，即将宣誓前新郎的沉默与严肃。
记得，入宴会厅前新郎的紧张与兮兮。

更记得，上台致辞前新郎被我们嘲笑时的气愤，却不退缩。
也记得，晚宴落幕时，新郎握着我的手致谢时的认真。

玫，你嫁了一个好人。

六岁初识时的那个大眼女孩。一路来伴我成长。
永远的那么理智，对着我的不着实际从来都不吝泼个醒脑的冷水。
21年的回忆，随着一曲《今天我要嫁给你》飞逝。我好舍不得。

想起七年前，在一日回程的巴士车上，玫跟我说，有这么一位男生，对着她有点别扭的。似乎想追她，不知该如何……

就这样，过了二十又七年……那自制的短片，是真正的一段恋爱史……让人泪意，盈眶。

玫，祝福你。嫁了个好郎君。

终生，幸福。

得天独厚

在台湾。

共十二天的家庭之旅。

台湾的风景，说漂亮，也并非最漂亮的。但，十分享受这一次的旅游。风景是其次。难得的，是家人的共处。

从我八岁那次的珀斯之行后，我们一家人，就没再一起出游了。平时在新，两个长大的孩子，不在家的时间比在家的时间多。学校、工作、朋友、玩乐，件件都剥夺了一天二十四小时的几近二十小时。在家，多是睡觉。虽然说逢年过节，在妈妈的召唤下，都会一家人聚餐，但像这样一连好几天都一起玩，真的蛮难得的。

这几天在花莲，太鲁阁的大峡谷确实是鬼斧神工。但，真正难得的，是一家人在走山道时，能好好的聊天。

太鲁阁共走了四个步道。最长的走了约两个多小时。走得辛苦，出来后导游却说我们走的是太鲁阁百多个步道五个级别中最轻松的一级步道。让人有被骗得感觉。

记忆是一个很奇妙的事。

走山道时忆起以前小时候妈妈每周日拉着全家爬武吉知玛山的痛苦回忆。如此刻骨铭心，弟弟竟然不复记忆。在台北经过一家售卖钻石的店。入店试戴钻戒时，细心的店小姐注意到手背上的细细刮痕。都泛白了。问是不是被猫刮伤。才记起，那是小时候跟弟弟打架时刮伤的。出店跟弟弟说起，他却是怎么都记不住。

不知为何，想起鲁迅的《风筝》，虽然是完全两回事。

记忆，若一个人记得，另一人不记得，那，是否真的存在？如梦非梦。似是，而非。

爸妈都很喜欢台湾。尤其是花莲的纯朴，要山，山高林翠绿。要水，水蓝浪淘沙。

自己觉得，台湾好玩，在它的人。景色还是在其次。但人都热情，说的话也亲切。玩起来，就比较有滋味。

接下来，会回台北四天。最期待的，是我们这一个圈子若到台北必去朝圣之诚品。

这几天，照片都拍得不少。但我弟都在他部落格放得蛮多的，我就贪个懒，只放一张聊作代表好了。真的想看照片的，就去我弟那看咯。

照片是花东沿海路的景色，绿的绿，蓝的蓝，还真的蛮好看的。途中我们经过一家名为“拙而奇”的艺术家具店。店主艺术家专用海岸捡的材料，如石头与木材等，制成家具，形状特异。比较是艺术品。但就有点怪异，不太符合我的口味。可却真的羡慕这个艺术家。店靠海背山。往前看是太平洋碧海，近得可闻海浪声。往后望是沿海山脉的绿山，空气清新带咸。身处天境不说，从事的还是自己喜爱的艺术。且听闻脾气有些怪异，不喜爱的顾客还拒卖其作品。让人有点怀疑，此君是人是仙。

人各有命吧。

花莲这个地方，靠着太平洋，三面环山，景致绮丽，不就是得天独厚？

一家四口能一起出游，一路上都被人称好幸福。这，其实也是得天独厚了。

p.s./今天泡汤时想起老公，那时在关子岭时泡泥浆温泉。这老公最厉害就是忘记我们共处的时光和游玩的记忆。就不知道，几天没通电话，是不是就忘了有个老婆了。

random act of kindness

had a frazzled day on friday. hit school at about 10am with a million and one things to do. stayed all the way to 645pm with the staff in charge of closing literally breathing down my neck while I scrawled students' comments on their school council nomination forms which was due that day itself. so one can imagine my frustration when I couldn't find the four library books that I packed into a paper bag to drop off at the esplanade library where I was meeting Gab for an a capella concert that night... I was late to meet Gab, not ready to leave yet, irritated beyond belief and frustrated as I shifted through my paper-strewn desk. I didn't manage to finish all the tasks I was supposed to finish that day, still had emails un-sent and papers un-printed...and I had no time to come back to school next week and didn't want to have to make an extra trip to find the missing library books on top of everything.

As Iris and Gus said, it wasn't that big a deal, it's only four books. But it added to the frustration of a already trying day filled with tons of last minute misc. tasks... many of which remained incomplete when I finally gave up and left the school. but the missing books remained on the back of my mind, through the evening and even this morning, inducing me to make calls to school to check if I somehow mislaid it on someone else's desk. the frustrating thing is I simply cannot place where I left it.

had ktv with Gab after the concert last night, and only reached home at an unearthly hour of 4am in the morning, making me late for a church wedding in the morning. met Xinyi after for Sex and the City and a lovely dinner at Old School, wandering through chelsea-like art galleries after. did the ritual of weekend house-moving before finally sitting down to check my email.... only to see a notice from NLB that I "returned four library books" at Jurong West Community Library at 4pm on 30th May.

disbelief doesn't even began to describe what I felt. disbelief and a heartwarming sensation one might describe as 'moved'...

have no idea who and why and how... (becoz I still can't place where and when I mislaid the darn books!)... ... in the midst of the million of misc. tasks and every day routines... it may be a simple act of random kindness, but it made a difference.... it somehow made everything in my life seem brighter. it made me feel blessed.

whoever it is that dropped the four books off at Jurong West Community Library at 4pm on 30th May... if you somehow manage to see this... thank you. for being an angel in my life.

rose blue

feeling a little blue today....

perhaps it's the skies, or it's being surrounded by a couple of hundreds of fifteen and sixteen year olds... all hyped up in a camp. nothing like being wrapped in people and noise to emphasize one being all alone...

it's the kind of time, when one has the epiphanies which are of no use at all...

nearing thirty years and nothing to show but for a good dose of cynicism and disillusionment...it's not a pretty place to be in.

read something recently that made me question my so-called ethical values and all that I thought I believed in. a couple of things that happened recently also made me wonder about my moral values or lack thereof.

I remember a time when I believed in absolutes and also believed in not believing in absolutes. both at the same time.

good and bad,right and wrong, true and false.

it's either or and nothing in between at all.

it's either there or not or it's invisible and hanging in the air.

it's black or white and the rainbow of colors in between.

I'm not the same person I was one second ago. the things I believe in changing with every millisecond.

I'm not the person I thought I would be one second ago either.

there are different definitions of absolutes and ways of going to extremes.

we see life in facets. and the blind spots enables us to ignore the facets that we do not see. despite their undeniable existence

and why does it matter?

the skies blushed rose during dusk.

《死神の精度》

最近工作用脑过度，周末娱乐时便偏爱做一些无需动脑的东西。看戏时也一样。一连串看了一些以往不屑花钱消费的chick flicks。在笑闹间，不知不觉，有些失去了以往看戏时的感觉。但，一部片子却带给我，以前看《情书》和《Il Mare》的感觉。说不上是什么，一种触心、带着距离的美感、清清淡淡的，是戏的原汁原味。

《死神の精度》

决定看时，带点冲动。在看另一部电影时看了预告片，临时起意。后来预告片的印象却不复记忆。只记得，有金城武。和一些模模糊糊似乎类似Meet Joe Black的剧情。

其实没有。和Meet Joe Black的剧情很不一般。

淡淡的一部片子。带着雨来，却期待蓝天的死神。单纯得有些天真，工作有些枯燥，无需多想，因为一切的事在他眼中如白骏过隙，黑与白分得那么的明确。每个人都得死，不过早晚，又有什么好想，好惧？人类，在他看来，想得太多，多得无聊。

他不多想，看什么，都有些直白。直白得可爱。他喜欢感觉。喜欢音乐，并没有偏爱。只要是音乐，就喜欢。

喜欢他的喜欢。并不澎湃。对着清秀的藤木一惠，对着义气的藤田和阿久津。他都是喜欢的。可他是死神，所以，他的喜欢，都是内敛的。只是细细的，以他的方式。

串联着的三节故事，一代接一代。所有的人都老了。他似乎都没变。是吗？

在最后一刻，阳光下，他明了了一切。身边的藤木一惠在风中笑着。霎那间，眼前一晃而过的，是那清秀不难看的她。才知道，原来，雨水，也可以是那么的甘甜。

一直记着，在第一节故事结束时，身边的黑色忠犬问道。怎么这次没有‘实行’？你爱上她了，对吧？

而他，没有回答。

死神是永恒的。而，这永恒，就注定了其他的无法永恒。

似乎，又见《情书》中，那站在白纱帘中的藤井树那朦胧的身影，亦是一晃而过，眨眼即不见。

朦胧，因为泪眼。

死性不改

今天在听mp3时偶然听到一首歌。

亲爱的读者，你们也许会问，听mp3应该是听自己的音乐收藏，怎会是偶然呢？

当你的音乐收藏达变态的2991首，可连续播八天半而不重复时，你就有机会在听mp3时很偶然地听到许多首你不曾听过的歌了。

很多都是朋友给的，没太严厉地汰选，就丢进mp3里。有时随便听着，不小心就听到一俩首，我原来都不知道我有，而其实是很好的歌。


今天就听到这么一首。《死性不改》。

一首主题蛮特别的歌。教坏小孩的。但我喜欢。喜欢歌唱者的固执。很多人说不好，可是我觉得，真的懂得固执的人很少了。所以，偶尔遇到时，就很喜欢。

这首歌说着一个人，爱着她的情人。明知这个情人的情人不止自己一个。

情人死性不改。她也是。死性不改地不愿干脆砍断这份不该的感情，委屈求全地接受这个大众情人。

所以呢，朋友都说她傻，怎么就喜欢任一个又一个的情敌伤她。

而一次又一次的好意劝阻，在她耳中都成了黑心的教唆，徒然煽风点火。

她说，人天生根本不可能只爱身边的一个人。既然恋爱，就注定了众多的障碍。

谁叫自己，没了他就活不下。情人的众多情人她知道，也能处之泰然。不能的，是松手把情人放开。

死性不想改，不想改的是自己，也是情人吧。改了，就不是同一个人了。不管是多情但不专情的情人，或痴情的自己。

歌中的有一段对话。

点解要咁姐？
点解唔可以咁呀。
你唔觉得好辛苦咩？
辛苦，但系我钟意呀。
算吧啦。

辛苦，但是甘愿。开心吗？谁也不知道。但，是自己的选择。又有谁能说她不该呢？

好姐妹，也只能说一句，算了吧。

爱上了一个人，真的很恐怖，不是吗？

再不可思议，也能心甘情愿。

许许多多年轻时理想化的自己自认决不会接受的事，在面对失去一个真爱的人时，都灰飞烟灭不复存。

委屈吗？委屈不难。人的韧性，其实很可怕。

难在，教我如何没有你。

所以我，死性不想改。不该，但就不改。不改多情的本性。不改痴情的傻气。

谁叫我，喜欢你，没有任何的理由。