回忆与幻想

昨天去老公的公司蹭饭吃。经朋友介绍公司新来的小实习生。朋友说小实习生和我们是同一间高中，问我认不认识。小男生比我小个六七岁吧，哪里可能认识。可是小男生说认识我老公，说我老公以前曾经回去训练他们比赛。

回去私下问老公还记不记得小男生，老公果断说，完全不记得。

临睡前，忽然想起我们刚恋爱时发生的一件小事。忍不住缠着老公问。形成以下睡前谈话。

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你记不记得你以前有个传呼机的？

我以前还有传呼机啊。我现在连个智能手机都没有。（语气颇有怨念）

我以前还会背你的传呼机号码。有一次，我call你你一直不复机。我很生气。后来你说是因为你回学校教的那一群小孩捉弄你，一直不断的call你，所以你把传呼机给关了。你记不记得？

不记得了。

你什么都不记得！

谁说的，我记得我们有去santa cruz。

那是今年的事！

是去年！12月31号是去年。

那你十年后也一定会忘记。你每次都不记得以前的事，搞得我有时都不知道我是在回忆还是在幻想。

没有啊，我记得我们有在san diego住过。

那也是去年的事！十年后你也就忘了。

那十年后我就记得九年后的事咯。

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不知道为什么，我忽然就不生气了。

十年后我们是不是也会有这样的一段对话。十年后，他不记得我们曾从san diego开车上来，不记得我们2012跨年是在santa cruz的海边度过的。也不记得我们曾因为偶然碰到的小学弟吵过不大不小的架。

可是，他如果还没老人痴呆太严重，他应该会记得那一年我们是在那里跨年吧。而我大概也依然会因为某些莫名其妙鸡毛蒜皮的原因和他吵个不大不小的架。

然后再一个十年，又再一个十年。

然后一辈子也就这么过了。

可怜我一辈子都得怀疑自己是在回忆还是在幻想啊。

summer rambling

Like a blog that I frequent recently said, it’s been two thousand years.

I don’t really have any excuse. It’s not that I don’t want to write, I do, but I find that I usually find myself drafting posts at night, when I’m in bed, seconds before I’m about to fall asleep. Somehow, that’s when my thoughts flow. When I’m awake, it’s always all too easy to distract myself with another article to read, another episode to watch, another activity to do. Not to mention the last two months was mostly spent on the road.

I comfort myself that I’m out there living life instead of writing about it. Except that writing is also one thing I want to do in life. And I find that a couple of years down the road, I’m always appreciative of these entries recording my past memories and thoughts. Because without these records, memories too often fade and I forget the person I was.

So anyhow, this is me. Trying to write more.

So let’s see what I’ve been up to.

The last two months was kinda crazy. LA, Monterey, Chicago, and did an entire loop around Michigan, hitting two National Lakeshores and a state park in Upper Peninsula. It was a good trip with Mom. After that it was entertaining Mom and ZL when they visited. Drove to many sights around the area, checking out the landscapes, it was fun. California is such a vibrant place through the eyes of a tourist. The beaches are lovely and the sun makes everything light up. As a resident, frankly, it’s too hot.

After two months of pure fun, life becomes more settled again. Except it’s summer, so there’s still fun to be had. We did a picnic for 4th of July at La Jolla coast, catching a beautiful sunset and the fireworks. The tons of people with tents and bbqs was impressive. The people were so friendly that just hanging out there made for a nice day. We also went snorkeling at La Jolla Underwater Park. We must have walked past La Jolla Cove a thousand times, and this is the first time we actually went swimming in the Californian Pacific. It wasn’t the perfect day, the tides were strong and it was difficult getting into the water, not to mention the wetsuit. But the view from the water of the La Jolla cliffs was beautiful, so different on the other side. It was nice to float on the water, looking at the view. And swimming through the seagrass and schools of golden fish is just indescribable. I went swimming a couple times more in our condo pool last week – each time I get in the water, I tell myself I should do it more. It’s such a good feeling, why do I always forget? Anyway, I signed up for Paddle Board Yoga next month, that should ensure more time in the blue Pacific.

Frequenting good old groupon also lined up more activities for us – horseback riding, a culinary tour, museum tickets etc. We also have plans for some fairs and a outdoor jazz concert in the park. It’s summer after all, although I can’t wait for fall.

And I’ve also been playing around with cooking and make-up.

Cooking is something necessary because eating outside costs so much here in SoCal, groupons and restaurant.com certificates notwithstanding. We still go out at least once a week and occasionally try out new places, but we mostly eat at home. Usually I just do soups – I have two or three soup recipes that I fall back on, it’s healthy and easy. Ten minutes of prep time before I leave the house and it’s ready when we get home. But I do like to mix it up a little to make it fun.

Last weekend, I attempted Chilli Crab because I had a hankering for home-style comfort food. I had no idea it required tomato paste! I didn’t use whole crabs, instead I switched it out for crab legs, snow crab, jumbo prawns and shrimp. The result did not exactly turn out like the Chilli Crab of home, but it was still tasty and we enjoyed the seafood.

Another good thing about summer is the cheap fruit. We bought boxfuls of melons, mangoes, peaches and apricot. When it’s too hot, sometimes just making a milkshake with fruit, milk, ice-cream and ice-cold cream soda is enough for dinner, or at least a really filling snack. I also made a batch of osmanthus tea recently to ward off the hot summer weather.

I’ve also been kinda suffering from retail therapy. After going out non-stop when entertaining family and friends, I took a couple of days where we only went out for groceries and spent the rest of the day at home, and I’ve some time on my hands to sit in front of the screen. Only I’m wishing I sat on my hands instead.

I’ve no idea how it started. I’ve never really been the shopping kind. I don’t really enjoy going out to shop, except for occasional sprees with a girlfriend. When I go overseas, I usually find myself bored at those shopping areas – especially if I’m with P who seriously hates shopping. But recently, I began frequenting beauty blogs and sites – and started buying. And it’s not a little addictive, especially with Sephora where buying stuff gets you points and tons of samples. But it’s really fun and I find myself spending more time and thought on putting myself together before going out.

I used to spend perhaps five minutes getting ready - just grabbing the nearest piece of clothing that makes sense in the weather and the type of activity I was going to do. Now I give more thought to accessories, colors, and also make-up. I don’t do this everyday (there are still days I grab the nearest piece of most comfortable clothing and slip on my oldest pair of sandals), but at least one or two days a week, I take thirty minutes before going out (P uses the time for an extra game at the computer so he doesn’t exactly complain). It’s enjoyable and entertaining (even if P don’t really notice or care!) And it makes me feel more female somehow. Thirty years is a little late to the make-up game and I’m still awfully bad at applying it; I don’t know if I’ll stick at it (I definitely need to stop buying!!!), but until it stop being fun, I’ll probably keep at it for awhile.

In actuality, life hasn’t been all that exciting recently. It’s not boring, but not exactly thrilling. Then again life rarely is. There are things to do, which are worth mentioning, but it hasn’t really been an emotional rollercoaster. Perhaps that’s the real reason why I haven’t been writing. Things to do with a combination of being satisfied made it easy not to pick up the pen (metaphorically speaking). I guess, too often I write when I want to rant, or when I need an emotional outlet.

But I’ve been happy. And I’m still happy. There are ups and downs, but the downs doesn’t distract from the fact that I’m mostly content. (It definitely helps that there’s someone who tries his best to lift me up whenever I’m down).

Sometimes I wonder if I should feel so satisfied and content. In reality, I’m not really achieving much, doing the little things in life. My work isn’t exactly going anywhere – and I should really start to stretch myself more, and perhaps push myself to get out of my comfort zone. I’m not growing in life and I lack adrenaline. I think of these things and feel the need for a change.

But then again, there are factors to consider – uncertainty in how long we’ll be staying here (P’s job hold priority), uncertainty in what to do. And I think to myself, I’m happy now. And those are thoughts for another day.

观音茶馆小记二则

一

某天。选了个靠窗的位置，贪图那斜斜照进的阳光。

是因为夏天来了吗？坐下有几分钟，就有几只苍蝇在面前和窗边飞绕。对想专心翻译的我，实在是个大忌。本来对这么枯燥的东西就不甚耐烦。随手拿起手边的笔记本，飞一个打一个，没多久就拍死三只。终于还我一点清净。

译了一小段。抬头揉了揉后颈。不经意看到其中一只被我拍死的苍蝇，肚子朝上躺在窗台边。“尸首”身旁不知什么时候多了两只苍蝇。一只还半伏在那只“尸骸”身上。那姿势有些奇怪。研究了很久，始终分辨不出，这只苍蝇，究竟是在抢救他的落难兄弟，为他进行心肺复苏术呢，还是实在饿得不行，食其同胞？两个意愿差很多，可是动作姿势仿佛都差不多。还真吊诡。还是我眼光太烂，怎样都分不出。

善哉。在一个这么有禅意的茶馆杀生本已不该。还想这么一些乱七八糟的有的没的。

二

又一天。还是一个靠窗的位置。

又是翻译到一半。今天是在翻译尾注。一段一段的，译完一段很容易走神。在译完一个莫名写得很长的尾注时（其实所有的尾注都落落长，哭哭），开始放空。

茶馆的桌子都靠得很近。隔壁桌坐着两个老太太。（为什么我老是在茶馆碰到老太太？怎么就是没有什么养眼帅哥？）老太太在闲聊。也不算偷听哦。只是在放空时就是听到了。其中一个老太太很感慨。说她一个朋友七十四了。可是却精神得很。一点也没有自己已经年纪一大把的感觉。自己也七十好几了。却深切地体悟到自己很老很老了。偷偷瞥了老太太一眼。坦白讲，如果不是她自己说，还真看不出她七十好几。头发虽然花白，可皮肤还很好。至少不是满脸皱纹。脸颊还很红润。后来老太太起身离开时，说了声谢谢同伴请客为她庆生，才知道原来当天是老太太的大寿呢。

是因为最近一直一直都在赶工，把每一天的行程堆得满满的，有些累吗？不知为什么，有那么一霎那，很羡慕老太太。活到七十好几的岁月，应该已经到一个无所求的境界吧。该做的，想做的，都已经做了。没做的，也学会放开了。

我知道，这个想法弊端很多。很莫名其妙啦。

可是，真有那么一霎那。想，如果我也七十好几了，我是不是会学会放开很多抓得很紧很累的东西？

Life in 3 Parts

It’s been a crazy couple of months. Was in Philly for two weeks to see my dearly missed friends. Returned and took off to the Olympic National Park for the Memorial weekend. Family came to visit for yet another two weeks. Went on a cruise to Alaska for a week. Squeezed in as many Pilates hours and translation work as humanly possible in between the little time left. It was crazy, but also very very fun. It’s funny how one feels really alive only when living such an adrenaline-paced life. It’s like only when we feel we don’t have enough time that we are really making use of time. This is so wrong. Still, I love living life like this. There’s always something to do, and always something to look forward to. I’m still getting 6- 8 hours every night (now old liaoz, can no longer function on 2-4 hours). I don’t spend as much time on the TV, but the Netflix subscription makes sure I still catch a couple of films a week. Life may not be especially easy, and there’s always a burning sensation that I’m on the brink of missing a deadline, but nobody really likes it when everything is truly smooth-sailing, isn’t it?

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Watched Remember Me last night. It’s a film I put on the list so long ago I no longer remember what it was about. At the beginning, I simply enjoyed watching a Robert Pattinson with a healthy skin tone. Then I slowly got pulled into the story. It’s a sensitively filmed piece, with great performances by almost all the characters. I love the female lead and her joie de vie; it may be sparked from a childhood tragedy, but it really made her shine. Because I forgot the trailer, I didn’t pick up on the ending twist until about two minutes before, so it didn’t detract me from enjoying the first part of the film and I really got caught into the relationship between Tyler and Ally without having to think of the inevitable tragic ending. That made the film a whole lot more enjoyable. I like how the ending was more poignant than provocative. There weren’t many tears and breakdowns. The film focused more on the living than the dead. Death doesn’t take away meaning from life. I originally was going to skip the film that night, caused I felt too tired for a tearjerker. I’m glad it turned out to be more than that.

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It’s one of those days when little things suddenly seem to mean a lot more than usual.

I was feeling a little grouchy this morning. I woke up wishing I could just go back to bed. Feeling sleep-heavy, every move felt a little slower than usual. I left the house five minutes later than I should and when I turned into the 520 ramp and saw the non-moving traffic, a number of expletives ran through my mind. I turned on the signal and saw a little gap between two cars. Intending to cut in, I turned my head and saw the driver of the car giving me a little nod, indicating that he was going to let me cut in. It’s a small tiny gesture, but somehow, it made my entire morning that much better. It was a quick moment in the early morning and I didn’t smile as I usually would, and I don’t know if he could see it even if I did, but somehow, I wished I gave him a smile when I nodded my thanks….

碎玉清香

頭微疼。一天從早上九點至晚上九點多都對著電腦，也不知是因為一直都在看這發亮的螢幕，還是其他。就是有些疲憊，有些頭疼。

夏天將至。從早上五點，到晚上九點。天都是亮的。有著光，人的心情都比較好。所以說人們在夏天時比較不容易得憂郁症。就算是一天都窩在家中的我，也是在九點天黑時才開始覺得頭疼。

對著電腦的間中，有煮飯。本來周五一般都和朋友吃飯的。但今天推了。因為想待在家做多一點翻譯。也因為過去幾周常在外面吃，想在家吃點清淡的。還有，這幾個月和朋友合訂了每周一箱的有機菜。這種菜很容易壞。想在今天盡量把它吃掉。所以今天就破例吃了全素。

用冰箱裡所有的菜創造了一道自己命名為“碎玉清香”的菜。還蠻好玩的。

就先把小白菜，韭蔥和蘑菇切塊。然後再把青蒜苗和菜頭剁碎。用剁碎的青蒜苗和菜頭以橄欖油爆香，再加小白菜和韭蔥清炒。炒一會兒後再加蘑菇，倒一點生抽和花雕（和一點點自己秘制的調味料），就是一盤色香味俱全的碎玉清香了。嘿，其實就是亂炒。而且如果不是訂了那箱內容不受控制的有機菜，我連韭蔥和青蒜苗為何物都不知道。不過結果還真的出乎意料的好吃。從來不吃青菜的我還會主動夾來吃。一般我炒青菜的結果是我家那口子一個人解決，我吃面湯的。

最近忙得有點焦頭爛額。這幾個月出門在外的時間太多，工作有種絕對做不完的感覺。修的課程的時間怎麼積都不夠。下半年也許還要應付一些意料之外的大轉變，打亂很多既定的安排。年底出國的計劃有很多有待安排的東西未作。家人下周就來訪。唉呦。就是手腳錯亂。

但，卻發現，盡管如此。還是活得很開心。就算忙得頭疼。甚至忙得有點絕望。也許因為無論如何做得都是自己甘願做的。有時候，能夠做自己喜歡做的東西，本身就是一個幸福。又也許是因為身邊一直都有人支撐著。盡管生活還是充滿大大小小的挫折與爭吵。

最近在某處讀到一句話，很喜歡。

下手要狠一點，可作可不做的，做；可放可不放的，別放。

覺得我們對事情，就是應該這樣。才不會有遺憾。

就算只是一盤泡面。吃的時候，轉過頭看到身旁的人認真的側臉，也會有霎那的幸福。

這一篇還真是亂打呢。和我亂炒的那一盤青菜有得拼。

Love Life

會注意到這個活動，其實開始是因為看了黑人跟范范求婚的視頻。之前只大概知道這兩個人。看了這個求婚視頻後，一時好奇，便找了他們兩個的其他視頻來看。看了范范寫的《黑白配》，還真的有些感動。和朋友聊起，朋友就告訴我最近在台灣鬧得沸沸揚揚的love life事件。說讓我去找視頻來看，很有趣。

關於事件本身，不予置評。我不是黑人。也沒有買love life的T恤。所以也沒有什麼好講的。

只是，看了love life的視頻後。會覺得，至少這個活動背後的理念是很好。是個蠻有想法的一個活動。它不是簡單的一個慈善募款。

第一次看love life視頻時，看到罹患癌症病的小孩，在最後一幕對著攝影機說，如果生命可以交換的話，你願意跟我換嗎。請你幫我們好好活著，好嗎。就覺得，這樣的話，好似和籌款不甚搭。後來，看到黑人在一個記者會上說，這個活動最深一層的理念其實是反自殺，才理解。

要珍惜生命，積極地活。這樣子的話，聽過無數次。也告誡自己無數次。但還是在每每遇到不大不小的挫折煩擾時，忽略遺忘。Love life這樣的一個活動，不論初衷為何，它的每一個視頻都在在提醒我們。能存活的每一刻，都不應視為理所當然。那些小孩們活不了。我們如果無法幫助他們，那至少，要連著他們的那一份，活下去。這樣的一個理念，真的很好。

無論黑人是否有任何的過失。至少他在推廣這樣子的一個理念上所做出的努力，不應漠視吧。

視頻最後的三個字，很簡單。你，活著。但，有多少人能夠體會並珍惜？


在觀音茶館。

這間茶館是我剛搬來西市時，心情一直無法調整過來，平為了讓我比較開心，特地上網去找看西雅圖有沒有我喜歡的休閒茶館而找到的。他帶我來時，真的有些驚喜。

很喜歡這裡的氛圍。茶香飄溢，音樂優雅，裝潢很有禪意。這裡的客人都很安靜。要么就看書，要么就對著電腦打字。就算聊天，也都是低語的。如果要講電話，客人都很自發地走出店外講。一直都想再來。可是都沒什麼機會。今天剛好早上去另一間studio上一個workshop。比較靠近這裡。下午有幾個小時的時間，就決定在這裡，做做翻譯寫寫字。

一進來時就看到坐在靠窗位置的老太太。也許是外面下著小雨，我把外套的頭套拉上，露出兩只黑熊耳，老太太在我進門時對我笑了笑。整家店只有老太太對面的位置是空的。落座時瞄到老太太在寫東西呢。只是和店內的其他年輕人不同。人家都攤開一架筆記電腦，老太太卻是攤開一本筆記本，是真正的紙筆的那種。打開的那一頁，滿滿都是密密麻麻的字。

倒了一杯碧螺春後，很快地就陷入了內亞馬祀的血腥描述中。譯到一半開始想自己干嘛要翻譯那麼惡心的東西。抬頭時，不經意看到老太太摘下了眼鏡。陽光從玻璃櫥窗照進，打在老太太身上。那皺皺的臉頰，清晰地掛著一行淚。看著老太太抬手拭淚，不知為何，這個畫面讓我有一絲絲的震撼。

為什麼要流淚？是寫著寫著，觸動了什麼？是想到了什麼？是什麼會讓一個白髪老太太在午後的茶館流淚。我不知道。也許永遠都不會知道。

可是，我卻希望，有朝一日，年華老去時，我會如她一般。

有著讓人憶起，會坦然地在陽光下落淚的經歷。

那淚，是認真活過留下的痕跡。




另外還有就是，趙小璐！你翅膀硬了是不是！打了三四通電話都不接，也不回電！

春

春了。天氣忽暖忽冷。昨天氣溫20多度。打開車門時一陣熱氣逼來。還以為誤開了烤箱的門呢。還好我開的是敞篷車，否則前天吃烤肉的報應就是自己昨天變烤肉。以為夏天已至。沒想到今天氣溫一下子就降了10度。還好出門前查了查天氣預報，否則我就穿著拖鞋出門去了，烤肉做不成馬上被冰凍。

每次出門都有霎那的不願。次次都是用類似逼迫的感覺把自己推出門。其實出門是好的。無論陰天艷陽，都多少能呼吸一下外面的空氣，對精神有益。最近幾乎每天都得往studio跑。近二十多分鍾的車程，是很好的整理思緒的時間。與其說整理，不如說放空，然後想到什麼就是什麼。其實這樣對腦袋很舒服。

從我家去studio有兩條路。一條經過三個高速公路。另一條只經過一個高速，然後就割過植物園，再走小路。第一條路比較快。但從第一個高速轉另一個高速時得在短時間直割五個車道再從另一邊的出口轉第三個高速。過程每每驚心動魄。我自認駕車技術不行，所以每次都選擇另一個比較慢，但相對沒那麼驚悚的路。

植物園的那條路，開過無數次了。之前從沒有什麼感覺，只是嫌它有些彎曲。也許是春天到了。也許是今天有些塞車。今天坐在車中等前面的一排車龜速前進時，忽然注意到周邊的花開。橙色，紫色，粉紅色都有。車道兩旁的林蔭大樹青蔥翠綠。有一邊，竟然還是個日本花園。怎麼之前從來沒留意過？世人日子匆匆，原來忽略的還真多。選擇這條路，除了比較安全外，其實還有其他的優點的。慢一點又何妨。

最近有些事情弄得自己很不開心。連續兩天什麼工作都做不了。有些事，一直以為不會遇到。沒想到卻真的發生。除了不甘和氣憤外，更是無助與不可置信，還有委屈。如朋友說，隨著年歲增長，慢慢的，所有可能發生的事情都會遇上。最終，還是回到自身，如何調理自己的心情。日子還是要過。工作也還是要做。總不能要老公天天裝可愛逗自己開心。

一對夫妻要長久相處很不容易。其中講究的平衡，包容都還不是最重要的。最重要還有一份堅持。而且這個堅持必須是雙方的。最近聽了很多故事。加上自己莫名其妙做的一個夢，愈發覺得現在所擁有的一切原來是那麼的難得。但，從另一方面來看，卻也是那麼的簡單容易。

聽了一首歌，其中有幾句歌詞很是喜歡。

既要有我的空間 但又奢想你習慣
祗好嘆一起　真不簡單
何妨自现在起　與你計起
假使真的在乎你
相隔幾呎 至算不捨不棄

讓我家呆子聽，他說廣東話他聽不懂。翻譯給他聽後，他又說他不覺得有什麼特別的。有些氣惱也有些好笑。我們那麼的不同，為什麼又偏偏那麼契合。

很多事情可以復雜也可以簡單。說到底就是不放棄。又或者說是放不下。是誰說的一句話。我們放下了尊嚴，放下了固執，放下了個性，都只因為我們放不下一個人。如此而已。


P/S:我是一個多麼沒有耐性的人，其實在我開車的時候就可以清楚地體會到。今天開上高速時，跟著一輛超慢的車。上高速後就一直沒加速。想超車，但一旁的車道車輛好多，每一輛都走飛快。我本來就討厭換車道。反正不過兩英裡左右就要下高速了，本想算了。但看一看碼表，竟然在走45mph，實在受不了。馬上超車，一換回原來車道就飆到70mph。嘿，那叫一個爽。

雨

每次和人說起我住在西雅圖，得的回應多是：“西雅圖多雨，日子很悶吧。”

其實不然。這要看運氣。比如我周二周三全天窩在家中啃書兼翻譯。窗外就陽光明媚晴空萬裡。今早有課，一踏出門，就陰天細雨，讓人恨不得能鑽回被窩多睡個三小時。

早上還好，不過細雨紛飛。傍晚六點多回家時，卻是許久不見的滂沱大雨。從西雅圖市開回家，路經I90。這條高速地有些陷，有積水。前面車輛也不在乎大雨路滑，車速依舊保持每小時六十英裡。一排三輛車飛濺起的積水比大雨打在車窗上的雨水還多。雨刷拼命地刷，但我從車窗裡看出去的世界，依舊一片雨霧。彌蒙，仿若淚眼。小時候常聽人說，下雨，是天上的娘娘在哭泣。原來就是如此。

不過其實我也不介意。濛就濛吧。在雨中驅車，並聽著陳綺貞的《魚》，其實感覺還蠻好的。最近很愛這首歌。歌詞第一次聽的時候，實在聽不懂。反復聽好多次，才慢慢體味出其中的意思。悠游於大海的魚兒，因為一時貪圖人們對它的好，被關入城市的魚缸。日子久了，發現魚缸的水有多渾濁，想離開，卻已遲了，只換來滿身傷痕。自由的生活，並不容易。但若向往溫暖與舒適的生活，就必得放棄一些什麼。而往往，人都在放棄與妥協後，才發現這樣的交換有多不值得。歌的名稱是《魚》，歌詞中卻只字不提魚。不過在大雨中開著車，聽著“帶不走的丟不掉的讓大雨侵蝕吧”，霎那失神，還真的有種自己是魚的錯覺。

很難得的，今天我比老公晚回家。平常都是我在老公回家前把飯菜燒好等他回家開動。今天，角色首次反過來。在冰涼的天氣中回到家，有熱騰騰的粥喝。這樣的感覺，原來那麼幸福。

其實很多時候，妥協或放棄，視人而異。天下雨了，你是開心還是郁悶，其實在你。雨天，也有其美。最重要的是，下了決定後，就不要後悔。



帶不走的留不下的我全都交付他
讓他捧著我在手掌自由自在揮灑
如果有一個懷抱勇敢不計代價
別讓我飛 將我溫柔豢養
原諒我飛 曾經眷戀太陽

Babysitting 101

Yesterday marks my first baby-sitting experience, another milestone in my life :p

Kevin and Linda popped by in the afternoon to give us some niangao Linda made. Linda made niangao as it was the last day of CNY and they were doing the rounds. We were their third stop. When they said they were going over to the Seattle side next to pass the niangao to Kevin’s sister and planned to do some grocery shopping at Uwajimaya too, I impulsively said they could leave Curtis at my place if they want – it’ll give them a little alone time to run their errands. Kevin grabbed onto the opportunity and was out of the door before I knew it.

Bleah. I totally didn’t know what I got myself into! Babysitting is way more tiring that I expect. Luckily, Curtis did not cry at all even though Kevin said he’ll definitely cry for the first fifteen minutes. He kept running round in circles and seems tireless. I did not know that two-year-olds had so much energy. My place had no toys and I was afraid he’ll be bored, but he was very happy just running around the place and playing with a handheld massager and the iDog I got for Hongping for Christmas. I didn’t dare take my eyes off him for a minute in case he knocks himself into something – just that stress and fear alone was exhausting. I can’t imagine how Linda and all the other Moms I know do it 24 hours a day!

And Hongping didn’t help at all – he simply sat at his table and worked; only lifting his head occasionally to say, “Hello Curtis”. Little Curtis is also very smart. I told him to go “play with Uncle Hongping”, but he somehow knew he wasn’t supposed to do that. So he’ll run up to Hongping and stare at him silently for a few minutes and run back to me laughing.



I have to admit that for all the stress and exhaustion trying to keep up with this constant bundle of energy, Curtis is a very joyful kid to have in the house. He didn’t throw a single tantrum and his antics of climbing up and down chairs and sofas brought much laughter to a usually quiet afternoon. I actually had a lot of fun taking care of this little two-year-old for the couple of hours. I love how he answers questions with simple childish logic and how he attempts to help in his little ways when I was doing the vacuuming. When I asked if he wanted to help me vacuum, he nodded his head vigorously. He rolled up the yoga mat and put it away before helping me plug in the vacuum, only to run and jump back to the sofa while staring at me with big innocent eyes, waiting for me to finish vacuuming. Kawaii ne!



All in all, it was an enjoyable afternoon and a memorable experience, mainly because it was only for an afternoon. I cannot fathom doing this long-term at all! The responsibility, the stress! Just the thought of it is scary enough. Some people are meant for parenthood and some aren’t. I guess we fall into the latter. Just a couple of hours every now and then will more than fulfill our parental experience ☺

À la claire fontaine

So our drinking water was cut off yesterday night. P was really not happy about that. He loves his water and refused to be appeased by either soy milk or fruit juice or milkshake. Me, I was ok. I don’t like to drink plain water anyway. However, when I woke up this morning without my daily honey sustenance, I realized the importance of the drinking water and repeatedly called the office to send the maintenance guys over. The guy came and it turned out that the water pipe line froze and water couldn’t get past the ice. Huh. It didn’t make much sense to me, but apparently leaving the freezer door open for one hour solves it. Leaving the freezer door open for an hour also softens the ice-cream, making it easy to scoop a huge spoonful out to make milkshake smoothies that isn’t half-froth. Yum! Good things come out of bad things.

I also took the opportunity to ask the maintenance guy why our fridge doesn’t give us ice cubes/crushed ice. Apparently, it’s because we never turned the ice-maker on. Okaaay. Four degrees between the both of us, and we did not know that we have to turn the ice-maker on to make ice. Nice. And now I hear ice crashing into the icebox every twenty minutes.

I’ve been watching Il y a longtemps que je t'aime off an on for the day (amidst solving our drinking water problem etc.) I’ve had the film in my hard drive for forever, but I’ve somehow never got to it. It’s a slow-moving film that reminds me of A One and a Two, but with a sideline suspense plot.

It’s a story of how a mis-matched family comes together. A mute grandfather, estranged sisters, adopted Vietnamese daughters, Iraqi friends - a melting pot of characters quietly going about their lives. The addition of Juliette was a stone thrown in the waters, the original life was disturbed and ripples were formed, but the waters still returned to its former calmness. It speaks of how we can come to adapt and accept anything, of how truly flexible the human being is. A particular scene that stood out in its abruptness – the death of Juliette’s probation officer Capt. Fauré, which was quickly followed by news of a friend giving birth. Life follows death. Such are the eternal rules and cycle of life.

Kristin Scott Thomas was exceptional in the film. Her silence heavy and her face so movingly expressionless. She doesn’t say or do anything, but one can feel her pain almost tangibly. So strong is her desire to stay invisible that she almost melts into the background at some points. In the scenes when she’s walking in crowds of people, it is even hard to pick her out. She holds herself so tightly that when she flinches, there seems to be physical pain. There are multitudes of close-ups on her face – covered with fine lines and deep furrows, each line a testament to the pain she went through. Yet such haggardness fails to hide the delicate bone structure and skin – one can even see the faint outline of blue veins. The occasional times when she relaxes into a smile, it’s as if a light is thrown upon her and she suddenly becomes beautiful. Her etched face forms such juxtaposition with that of Léa – Juliette’s pale blue eyes and Léa’s earnest big brown eyes, Juliette’s drawn face with Léa’s round face. The difference between the sisters is so clear.

I don’t understand the language, so instead of listening to the words, I listen to how the words run together, the tempo and the tonality and emotion infused within. It’s a refreshing experience.

The ending was almost anti-climatic. We finally “discover” the secret, but at this point, we really don’t care. In fact, the rage, the shouting, the breaking down at the end felt melodramatic, and was a let down to an otherwise well-balanced film. I would have preferred it end on a quieter note – it felt more that Juliette has accepted the past, and didn’t need the “cathartic” moment.

On another note, I loved the French children’s song, “À la claire fontaine” that inspired the name of the film. The lyrics are so sweet.

À la claire fontaine,
M'en allant promener
J'ai trouvé l'eau si belle
Que je m'y suis baigné

Il y a longtemps que je t'aime
Jamais je ne t'oublierai

缓慢人生

好久都没来更了。也许，是因为这些日子都没发生什么事。又或许是因为发生了些什么事，也不过是些平凡的事。更不更都一样，一日过一日，也就这么过了。

搬来华州后的日子，日子仿佛都过得很慢。很少出门。每天都窝在家里。工作，看戏。没工作时，就看些文。有时候看了些戏后，就想写些什么。可是又少了动力。往往写了两句，就停滞不前了。如前些日子，看了《父子》。看了郭富城和小吴景滔的演出，其实还是有感触的。尤其发现这部电影意外的竟然选马来西亚为背景，那些些微熟悉的南洋风光，让我看戏时多了些莫名的亲切感。看的不是导演版，不知如果看了多了40分钟的导演版后，会不会有不同的想法。不过据说剪掉的部分都是郭富城和林熙蕾的床戏。对杨采妮的印象停留在她和吴启隆演的《梁祝》和那一首《笑着流泪》，好久不见后的她，清秀中添了一股韵味。一个妈妈，再爱自己的儿子，还是更爱自己。无所谓原不原谅。母爱不是天性。人性才是天性。有人说郭富城的演技再好，也被他那六块腹肌出卖。没人会相信一个连家都无法保护的烂赌徒会有那个毅力与时间去练出那么好的身材。我看戏倒没那么仔细。看了《父子》后，我还蛮期待《杀人犯》的。

在这里做最多的，就是看戏。虽然我家没电视机。但，要看戏，频道还蛮多的。网上下载，图书馆借，Netflix借。资源源源不绝。老爸上次来的时候给我带来的好几套台剧，到现在还没看完。想之前教书三年的时候，几乎完全没碰到电视，现在，慢慢补全。

生活步伐过慢。有时会觉得是在浪费。浪费时间，浪费青春。心中会有种莫名的焦虑，仿佛有什么事情等待着我去做。而时间就快要错过。

可是另一方面，却也觉得现在的我正在深呼吸。

之前走得太快，太急，消耗的体力太多，也没什么好。

最近看了一篇文，其中有一句话，说，也许我们可以一起走得慢一点。然后，走得更长一点。

人，未必要在特定的时间完成，或做，一些特定的什么。毕竟人生不是程序。

今早收到消息，我小表妹给我添了个小外甥呢。

其实说小表妹也不太对。我这个表妹和我同年。我们打小住得近，一起玩，一起学习。我没姐妹，这个表妹，其实感觉就是和我一起长大，最亲的姐妹。小时候，我们还戏称自己是一对双生姐妹呢。还记得我结婚那一天，我们抱在一起哭得好惨。而现在，我这个姐妹，竟然为人母了。

佳，我们真的都长大了呢。这句话，在我们都当老师，都嫁人的时候，我都不说。可是在你都当妈妈的时候，我真的不得不承认了。人长大了，生活，距离，使我们不能如小时候那般亲了。我们不再能如小学毕业时那般，任性地认定我们一定要进同一间学校。接下来的人生，我们有各自的路。

可是，要记得哦。我们无论身在何处，都还是最初那两个亲得仿佛是双生姐妹的小女孩。那每个周末都在一起玩芭比娃娃的小女孩。那坚持要上同一间学校的小女孩。这不会因为时间和距离而改变。

无论在那儿，过着怎么样的人生，都祝福你，和你的小孩。健健康康，开开心心的。

好想看小婴儿长得怎样，像不像妈妈呢。

2nd Anniversary

Dim Sum.
A Love songs CD length Drive.
Seahorses.
Acrobatic Gibbons.
Sea Otters.
Point Defiance bay viewpoints.
Rose-gold sunset.
KFC & Root Beer Float.
Zoolights.
Best sushi in town.
Presents!
A dash of good luck, childish innocent fun and pretty views, good food and company makes for a perfect and soft rainy day :)

中秋

原來都已經忘了今天是中秋。

在家裡工作了一天。傍晚時開車去朋友家吃飯，有些疲憊的我，眼睛放空。沒意識地看著右邊的窗外。

忽然聽開車的老公說，你看月亮。

轉頭，看到的是，一輪明月。好圓，好亮。完全符合書上說的圓如玉盤白璧無瑕。天空是淡紫色的。天邊有些雲彩。遠方山脈輪廓分明。那情景，真的是如動漫中彩繪出來似地。美得很不真實。

一路驅車約一刻鍾，月亮仿佛引路似的。

才憶起今天是中秋呢。

吃飯時，有朋友問及，我們為什麼要慶祝中秋。有什麼故事嗎。餐桌上幾個人，你一句，我一句地，湊合拼湊著小時候聽過的故事。好像有個嫦娥，偷了什麼皇帝的靈藥。好像是打戰吧，然後在月餅裡放了什麼紙條。還有人說，有得吃就好，哪裡需要理由。

埋頭吃著的我，一直在偷笑。

中秋的故事何其多。從小到大各種版本聽得太多了。

哪一個故事很重要嗎？中秋，最重要的，其實只是人月倆團圓。

除了春節的除夕年夜飯，大概只有中秋，是游子會想回家和家人團聚的一個節日吧。

其實很懷念在新加坡過的中秋。

小時候和弟弟，表妹表弟一起過中秋。提著燈籠去夜游，幾個小孩在前面跑，比較大的小孩在後面裝大人慢慢走。還有玩煙花，仙女棒。

長大些，中秋就是和朋友一起過。高中時期，中秋還是大節。畢業後也想回去和老師同學團聚。

再大些，中秋就在家裡過。媽媽會泡一壺好茶。坐在家裡的陽台上吹風聊天。

天上的月兒圓圓。地上的人兒團圓。中秋節，慶祝的，是團圓。

身邊有個人，在你因為工作心情不好時，輕聲跟你說，你看月亮。

這，大概是中秋的意義。


P.S.因為忘了今天是中秋，也就忘了提前給爸爸媽媽打電話。在這裡和爸媽說聲抱歉。希望他們今年的中秋還是過得很好的。

生活杂记

家里买了葡萄，因为一周出门较多，拖了一个星期还没吃完。昨天想起，夜里拿来当宵夜。但还是吃不完。我家那口子看我皱眉头，就对我说明天一定把它解决。

时间转到了他口中的明天晚上。我家那口子照例在九点钟去运动。他回来不久，我从房间出去，看见他一边用电脑，一边嘴里嚼着东西。

“你吃什么？”
“日本毛豆。”
“为什么是毛豆？葡萄呢？葡萄你吃完了啊？”
一脸忽然觉醒的样子让我知道他完全忘了葡萄的事。
“你不是说你今天会把葡萄吃完的吗？为什么没吃？那葡萄收很久了你不是不知道。再不吃就坏掉了。那很浪费你知不知道？你都没有想到台湾的灾民，还有非洲的难民，他们都没有东西吃，你还那么浪费！那个毛豆是冷冻的嘛，现在不吃也不会坏，干嘛不先把葡萄吃掉？都不会分先后次序！”

我家那口子整个傻眼。“你干嘛为了葡萄这样骂人啦！”

攸然觉醒，才发现，我怎么好像在骂学生一样？好久没骂人骂得那么流畅了。自己都觉得有些奇怪的我，只能丢一句 – 你不把葡萄吃掉就别想睡觉，而回房了。

想想，其实还蛮怀恋那骂人能骂得如行云流水的日子，連氣都不用換呢。

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我家老公最近一直覺得自己胖了。 作為老婆的我，也蠻狠心地沒有安慰他說些什麼沒有啦或我還是很愛你啊之類的話。坦白講，他確實沒有在瘦啦。

前些天收到一個朋友forward來的郵件，一般被我歸類為垃圾郵件之類的那種。主要在說些什麼水果要飯前吃，飯後吃會有毒素等的可能是真的可能是危言聳聽的東東。不過其中也有講到說如果想瘦的話，可以嘗試吃三天的水果餐。

那晚想起來時就跟我那口子聊起這個東西。他興致勃勃地說好啊，我們來試試。我回答神經病。只能吃水果耶。不餓死才怪。

做人家老公的回答冷酷絕情：“ 只有你會餓死。我有五條香蕉可以吃。”

所嫁非人啊。

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家裡新買了榨果汁機，我們開始習慣每天都榨些果汁或奶昔喝。

那一晚，決定做藍莓奶昔喝喝。在挖雪糕的時候，驚呼了一聲，因為剛挖的一大勺雪糕竟然因為出力太過，一不小心整勺都掉地上了。我家那口子坐在電腦前，問怎麼了。跟他報告了後，他就：“喔”了一聲，當沒事地繼續他的電腦游戲。

奶昔做好了，剛好是兩杯。把一杯端到老爺子面前。捧著另一杯走到沙發上邊喝邊看書。我那口子喝完了，很自動地走去廚房清理廚房內的殘局。在洗好榨果汁機後，忽然想起剛才的事，問道：“你剛才掉在地上的雪糕呢？”（因為一般需要清洗的事都是留給他的）。

我邊看書邊回答：“已經在你肚子裡了啊。”

“什麼？！？！？！你竟然給我吃掉在地上的雪糕！！！！”

嘿，這一教你你老婆多節儉環保多有美德啊；二教你老婆驚呼時應立馬沖上前慰問，懂嗎？

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前些日子，我興致勃勃地決定做韓國一個我很喜歡的飲料，叫shikhye。是用糯米和薏米粉制成的，工很多，花了我兩天的時間。把家裡的瓶子都用了，害我老公這幾天喝水都很麻煩。

終於弄好了後，坦白講，不成功。這個水應該是甜而微辣。成品卻是有些酸。而我家那口子，最是忌酸。喝了一口就皺眉。可是在我的瞪視下，還是應承每天會喝上一杯。一天一天過去了，一大瓶的“愛心飲料”終於喝得快要見底了。這一天，他在倒飲料喝的時候，看到沉澱在瓶底的糯米，問道，這些米怎麼辦？

在看書沒怎麼專心的我，隨口回答：“可以吃啊。”

我家那口子當場傻眼，表情扭曲：“飲料我都喝了你還要我吃這些米？？？”

有沒有那麼痛苦啊？

喜歡不喜欢

昨天上日語課，講到了喜歡與不喜歡的東西。老師一連串問了我許多，要我以“是的，我喜歡某某某回答”的句子形式回答，得到的卻是我都不喜歡的回答 ，訝然笑道我不喜歡的東西竟然那麼多。問我原因，卻答不出一個所以然。

不喜欢就是不喜欢，没有什么原因可言。

不喜欢不代表讨厌，可是绝对就是不喜欢。

在這一方面，我很倔強。

其實不過是造個句子。我可以就隨便些，就說一句：“是的，我喜歡吃蝦子”。老師就可以進行下一句了。可是我明明就是不喜歡，就說不出口。

對事，對人，都如此。不喜歡一個人，就無法對他表露出好感。就算一群人聚會，能不說話，就不說話。無法做到示好。

這也許很不好，可是坦白講，我很喜歡這樣的自己。

of pilates, rueda and more

Haven’t written in awhile… not so much because nothing much has been happening. Also realized that althou this journal is called streaks and scribbles, I haven’t really being scribbling much. So today is going to be an update of much randomness in the spirit of scribbling anything recent that comes to mind…

Went to the brand new Google campus today for a pilates audition/interview. It’s the best audition/interview I had since I got here and began trying out for auditions ~ and I went for A LOT of interviews/auditions. I had it easy back in Philly because my certification instructor was also the head of the pilates studio where I was doing pilates. So the minute I passed the certification and before I even got the piece of paper in hand, I was hired. Connections are really important, in China or not.

After landing in Kirkland and not knowing a single soul, not to mention having connections…. I thus began my pretty much month-long experience of pilates auditions/interviews at a wide variety of places.

I’ve went to gym auditions/interviews, physical therapy clinics, a childcare centre-like place with idea of holding pilates classes for moms while their children went for art or language classes… basically anything with an idea for pilates.

The Google gym was the best audition, because it was one that the lady in charge of hiring actually had me take her through a half-hour pilates session, instead of sitting down and just having me talk about my experience and aspirations. She actually changed into work out clothes and went through all the exercises! In the many previous auditions, I only had to teach once. And the guy in charge of hiring then did not go through the exercise but only observed. I have to say, it really makes a difference. I haven’t taught since July, and teaching today again makes me realize that I actually really do enjoy teaching. The lady commented that I give good cues, which makes me happy ☺

Of another note of reviewing past interests, today is also the day I revisited one of my old loves – salsa rueda! There’s a rueda dance class on Thursday evenings that I’ve been meaning to attend for forever. However, because of various reasons including the fact that evenings are reserved for P, I haven’t managed to make it down even after two months. But this evening, P is going out with his friends for a bachelor’s party, so I decided to take the car and try it out.

And I realized how much I have really missed rueda. I haven’t danced rueda for, I don’t know, 2 years? To think of the fact that I’ve actually went through Rueda 1-3 at JJ and also took the casino bootcamp at Jitterbugs. Giving up rueda after all that is one thing I really regret. There is something magical about dancing rueda. Salsa is something so sexy and passionate, but when you dance in the context of the rueda, it adds an element of the whimsical, of fun – everyone dancing the same move and moving within the circle. You might not know anyone in the circle, but everybody is sharing the same moment and there’s a feeling of closeness. Sometimes, it reminds me of village dances – the old traditions of dancing around a tree or a bonfire. There is something about such dances that makes them special… However, it’s hard to find a group of people that knows the same amount of calls and are of the same standard and this makes rueda something that’s very difficult to keep up with.

I’ve also realized that muscle memory really does exist. I may not remember the names of the calls or the exact steps. However, when dancing in the circle, and the instructor calls the move, somehow, my body knows the steps and can execute them without thinking! This proves that the many, many hours of practice at union sq isn’t for nothing. The instructor decided to start a series of consecutive lessons for the next six weeks and I’m going to join. Rueda is simply too fun to give up, although I don’t know if I’ll really go dancing that often – seeing as P still refuses to learn. The dance center also offers modern and lyrical jazz, and I might try those out as well.

In addition to the pilates and dance, P and I also started our Japanese classes. I think this is the first time P and I are actually taking classes together! This actually used to be a dream of mine – to be able to take classes together with him. I’ve often wondered what it would have been like – to be classmates. But I always thought it would never happen. Even back in JC, we were in totally different faculties, not to mention our utterly different unis and majors. But now, after my relentless insistence, my dream actually came true! Hahaa, albeit after many, many years. But this also made me realize that P’s 10 A1s and perfect GPA scores did not come for nothing. It might actually be a good thing that we were never really classmates, because if we were, the stress might have caused us to break up. He is darn hardworking! I went into the Japanese class having took Japanese for six months back in my past life of 2002. Thus, I actually do recognize a number of hiragana and know some phrases. P, being forced into the class by me, did not know a single hiragana and only know a single phrase of “anatawa inu desu” which I taught him during our Europe trip. Despite much complaining and saying he isn’t going to put in any effort at all, he came home from class and began practicing hiragana every night, and even went online to find test sites and repeatedly took the tests to learn and practice. And after only 3 nights, he now recognizes more hiragana than me!

And thus, life here is starting to truly settle. It’s with the beginning of these activities that I actually really start to feel that we are living here, and not just passing through.

Kirkland is really a lovely place to live. The lake is lined with parks that are beautiful to stroll through after dinner. P and I tend to take after-dinner strolls once or twice a week at different waterfront parks or beaches, and it’s usually during sunsets. The light is stunning, and there are sounds of waves breaking over the shore… strolling along the beachfront or on the jetties while chatting about our day is one of the best ways to end a day. I already know this is the one thing I’ll miss most about Kirkland when we leave… Downtown Kirkland also has a number of interesting galleries that are fun to browse through and there are occasional art fairs. There are enough sushi restaurants to keep me happy on days I don’t feel like cooking as well as a couple of waterfront cafes with gorgeous vistas of the lake.

On days we want something different, we'll drive across the bridge to Seattle and find KTVs at the university district or unique teahouses. On weekends, we have semi-regular meet-ups with a group of P’s Singaporean colleagues which keeps our social life somewhat active.

I’ve also began to get more into my work, which really says something considering how much I complained about it the last couple of weeks. Perhaps, it’s the settling in that’s helping… And the fact that friends and family are coming to visit in the next couple of months gives me something to really look forward to.

So, life is okay ☺

三月雪

三月了。但，没有春的感觉。三月一日夜，还下了此季最大的一场雪。晚上，和朋友们走去四十街吃泰国菜。走回图书馆的路上，抬头闭上眼，感觉飞雪落在唇上的霎那微凉，冰冷的亲吻。朋友笑说我还是个小孩。

隔天以为会封校。结果失望。Gym打来请我代教一堂Pilates，因为原来的老师住在New Jersey，不开车来了。去了，可是学生大概都以为下大雪，课都被取消了，结果一个都没来。就偷闲拿了相机小小绕了校园一圈，照了照校园的雪景。毕竟，应该是今季最后一次雪了。

傍晚，在细雪中漫步去上粤语课。披着大衣，有些微冻。钻进Cosi买了杯Chai Latte。握着暖暖的杯子，Latte的香气随着蒸气飘进鼻子。因为沿途经过图书馆要还书，背着的书包重重的。穿过绿绿白白的校园。这一刻，当学生的感觉，还真的不错。

来看照片。

宿舍前的红桌子。有人很开心。

学校Gym的Pilates Studio。器材还蛮壮观吧。感觉是不是有点像古代十大酷刑的工具？很喜欢这间Studio，很宽敞，光线很好。而且，是我第一间做指导老师的studio，所以对我永远特别。

从Studio的窗口拍对面的教堂，刚好拍到雪瀑布哦。

雪中一抹蓝。

创校的老贝贝。

这是我每天从图书馆回家时穿过的小径。

小径一隅。无论春夏秋冬都还蛮漂亮的。属于捷径吧，人不是很多，但影子都很匆忙。每天都经过，但就从来没抽空，选一张木椅坐下，停留片刻静静心。

我还蛮喜欢的一间教学楼，MCES。在那上《中国私生活》。感觉就像个Manor。可能真的是，改装过来。独立在校园的一角，有点自命清高的感觉。但也因此看得到一片蓝天。

夜晚的图书馆。枝桠上点点积雪若花。

每次关在图书馆，瘦瘦的窗口有时真让人感觉是在坐牢。但到了晚上，远远看出真的还有点象那上海歌剧院，水晶宫似地。重点是“远远看去”吧。不过，五楼的那间房，被班上那几个男生当客厅似的在用，久了，都还是有感情的。

回眸

刚看完了痞子蔡的《回眸》。

也不知道为什么忽然想起了他。原来应该读资料的，就开了小差跑去读小说。

这次回新，在家闷着无聊时，随手抓起的一本书，是《榭寄生》。一周的时间，无聊等人时，就是拿这本看过无数次的书打发时间。不知道为什么，一个简单的故事，就是经得起我反复的阅读。

记得第一次看这个小说时，阿萍问我，喜欢明菁还是喜欢荃。那时候的回答是明菁。事隔六年，现在回答，还是明菁。这样一个善解人意的女孩，真的让人很疼惜。但，已开始明白，为什么最后是荃。喜欢，没有什么理由。也没有什么公平。而且，也开始看到了，明菁，其实也是任性的。

痞子蔡不是每部小说都写得好。仿佛除了《第一次亲密接触》后，就是《榭寄生》，但，这一部，真的是经典。

现在，又有了《回眸》。在痞子的网站上留了言。“好苍老的感觉。”

想起看《第一次亲密接触》的年岁。在看《回眸》。原来，我们都苍老了。

看到痞子回之前一个读者的言。“所以不像第一次亲密接触了吧。”

是呀。完全不像了。尽管写的都是青春期的恋。但字里行间透露着的却是两种完全不同的气息。《第一次》是一种纯粹，《回眸》却是一种苍凉。

过尽千帆。

从《第一次》到今天，十年了呢。

《回眸》的剧情其实并不新颖。但，却透着一股清新。

当时要十天才能传完的字条，如今凭着网路的快慢，最多十分钟就可传毕。这是进步吗？简单不再。

怀念着以前的简单。不是那少了科技的复杂而已。更重的，是心情。

结婚周年纪念日 - 12月22日

我同我家那口子，性格不合。

真的。

他读理科。我读文科。他学的是电脑语言。我学的是古代汉语。有时，我真的认为我们语言不同，无法沟通。讲起话来是如假包换的鸡同鸭讲。

他中意呆在家里，足不出户。我喜欢旅游，更喜欢和朋友聚在一起。我喜欢在家里播放音乐，尤其圣诞时听圣诞歌曲。他嫌吵闹。而且一点也不明白庆祝圣诞有什么意义。我重视的东西，他一般都认为没意义。他，则没什么真的重视的东西。

平时在家，他工作，我写报告。休闲时，他玩他的电脑游戏。我看我的书，电视。各有所好。小小的一个房子，却井水不犯河水。真的是二人世界，两个人，分得清清楚楚。

原来计划去雪山过节，其实是想逼我们离开这个分割明确的小房子。雪山小屋，没有工作，游戏。两个人的世界，可以融合。

去不成啦。可是，我还是重视节庆的。 我家那口子不会，但，他会迁就我。

12月22日。结婚纪念日。我们出不了门，但还是能过得和平时不一样。

就一天，什么都一起做。

他玩电脑游戏，我在一旁看着，偶尔，也可以下海玩一玩。他输的时候，和他一起研究为什么，给他打打气。

我看港剧时，他尽管觉得无聊，也在一旁陪着。听不明白时，蛮横地按停问我发生什么事。看完整20集后，还学会主角的口头禅，一天念三遍来烦我。

结婚一年了。好快。

生活很简单。平时各忙各的，可生活还是紧密地联系在一起。纠结在生活的小细节上。煮饭，打扫。开车时谁记得路。身体不适时该买什么药。

冬至，煮几粒汤圆。热腾腾的。咬下去，滑溜溜黏黏软软甜甜。

不是每天都如此，但，很多时候都如此。

1st Wedding Anniversary - Winter Solstice

Yesterday was the first day of my wedding anniversary, and one of the crappiest days of my life.

We booked a chalet for the week months ago… to get out of the city. It’s at the Laurentian Mountains, up in Canada. It’s next to the lake, and comes with its own kitchen and a fireplace. It has no wireless internet and probably no phone reception. There promises to be snow and a week of time where we can concentrate on each other and nothing else.

I was underwater for the past couple of weeks writing about Yuan dramas and theatrical languages and debating the truthfulness in sixth generation films and soul separation stories before that. So, I had no idea about any snowstorm anywhere. Excepting that a friend telling me it’s snowing heavily in Boston and another friend that I met a day before telling me there’s a snowstorm up north, but she said I should miss it. I did check the weather forecast in Montreal a day before and there’s prediction of snow in the afternoon, but nothing about a snowstorm.

It started when we reach the airport at 930am. It should be too early because our flight is at 1120. But somehow, the self-check in refuses to work for us and we had to queue up at a queue for problematic people, a long queue with a long range of counters and only two people managing it. The queue took about an hour and by the time we got our boarding passes, it’s already 1050, the boarding time printed on the pass.

We made a run for it, rushing through security and literally running our gates, only to realize that the plane was delayed to 12 noon anyway. So, we relaxed and I took out my book. Then they announced that our plane didn’t have a crew, and they have to delay until they find a crew. And they found the crew and so we just have to wait until the crew checked the plane. And then they announced that our plane don’t have a pilot, and we could either wait until the pilot (which is scheduled to arrive at the airport at 2pm from Manchester), or we could hope that someone approves a switch of pilot. And then they announced the happy news that the pilot switch is approved and we could board.

And we finally boarded. And P fell asleep. I’m already half-way through the book but I figured I’m safe because the flight is only an hour and a half. But then they announced that the weather conditions in Montreal is bad and they have to delay the flight and we have to deplane. I woke P up (and he thought I woke him up because we arrived!) By now, it’s 1pm. And we should have touched down in Montreal already.

There were repeated announcements, saying that the flight is delayed and not cancelled. So we waited. At 2pm, they finally announced that the flight is cancelled. And we started queuing to check if we were rebooked. And this is the really horrible part. The queue was horribly long and at about 330pm, our gate counter said that they have to start boarding the second plane, and we could either wait until she’s done boarding and she’ll deal with us, or we could queue at the customer service line, a line snaking so long you literally cannot see the end. To cut the long story short, the gate counter service lady lied, she boarded the 4pm flight and then disappeared and never came back. We finally got to the head of the customer service line after an hour and half of queuing, only to be told that we were rebooked for 7am the next morning, and we can’t possibly get a flight out tonight. And they weren’t sure about the weather conditions tomorrow and if the plane would take off. And no, they don’t know anything about refunds and we aren’t getting hotel vouchers to stay for the night. Not knowing all our options, we couldn’t make a decision.

So we began calling expedia, another an hour and a half waiting on the phone as a girl with a kind voice made apologies as she tried to check our options. The conclusion is that we can get our money back. And at this point, we really didn’t want to spend the night of our first wedding anniversary in the airport, neither do we want to spend tomorrow in the airport if the flight gets cancelled again. And this may sound weird, but I kept having this little feeling in me that we aren’t meant to go on this trip… and all these are signs. The repeated delaying, the cancelling, the fact that we can’t get on a flight tonight etc etc. We aren’t supposed to go.

So at approximately 7pm, we decided to cut our losses and take the refund and go home. Only, we can’t find our luggage. So we spent another hour asking odd people (coz we didn’t want to queue another hour and half at the customer service line to ask) and finally found a counter responsible, only to be told that we can’t get our luggage today.

And thus everything resulted in as arriving at our apartment at 9pm, exactly 12 hours after we left it. Tired and feeling crappy and without our luggage.

So not the way I wanted to spent the first day of our wedding anniversary.

But, there were moments in the waiting when I would look over at the guy sitting next to me. The guy who is complaining and blaming me and saying irritating stuff like, “We are never going on a trip ever again” that really doesn’t help. And the same guy who is queuing by me, and asking me if I’m hungry and doing everything he can to make me a little more comfortable and trying to make little jokes to cheer me up.

The guy who would never leave me, whether I fly to Montreal tonight or go home.

Through weal and woe. Perhaps this is a proof of what we are supposed to go through and this first day of our wedding anniversary is woe.

If so, the second day darn right better with weal. And now I have to go drag my husband away from the computer (the first and foremost reason why I booked a chalet with no internet access in the first place!) to remind him that today isn’t a day for computer games.