Laughs and smiles

不知为何，最近总在坐下来，有闲时写东西时，却没心情。但夜晚时分，在回程中，却满腹牢骚无处可发....

This is the week the term report's due. Marking, keying in marks, typing remarks etc...work piles up while routine-work continues... and it doesn't help that my kids are especially problematic this week when I really don’t have time or energy to deal with the problems that crop up on a weekly basis…

Not feeling down per se, just, feeling indifferent and pensive... Felt that I haven't smiled or laughed for ages...Laughs and smiles are so rare in coming... so I'm going to record the two times when I really laughed or smiled this past two days...

1. When I called one of my kids to “get his butt over here” (which in Chinese roughly translates to “roll over here”) and he literally got down on the floor and rolled over, I couldn’t help myself from laughing… and after when I had to seek out the same kid to pass him remedial assignments, he bounced up to me so happily that I couldn’t keep a smile from my face.
2. When my colleague next to me suddenly turned to ask, “请问你有没有看到一粒鸡包？”It was actually an innocuous question but it made me break out in uncontrollable laughter, and it was my first real laugh of the day.
3. During rpm at night when I was actually feeling quite sianz and burnt out, it started to rain, no, more like the skies opened and it started to literally pour. My bike was only half-covered by the tent and I got totally and utterly drenched. It was like taking a shower with my clothes on! Others stopped to push their bikes fully under the tent, but I didn’t. Loved the refreshing and cooling feeling of water running down my back… it was like drinking a cool lemonade on a hot summer day… stayed under the rain for more than half the class and felt rejuvenated after… haha. It’s a wonder what is good for us… apparently getting drenched in the rain works for me…

最近很忙

最近很忙。也不知道究竟在忙什么。

那天，和朋友聊天。跟朋友说，感觉很无聊。无聊？不是在筹备喜事吗？怎么会无聊。不知道，该怎么跟朋友解释。许是太多事了吧，整日的做做做。没一刻可停歇。任何一刻的停顿都是一个浪费。久了，感觉无论做什么，都是无聊。

昨天去教育部的茶聚，碰到了大学同学。久未见面，他消瘦了不少（也因此俊俏了不少）。原来是刚从盲肠炎康复。怎会无端盲肠炎？不知道，压力吧，每天跟时间赛跑。会有压力吗？我有些奇异。忙是忙，但不至于到无法负荷而压力重重吧。反正，做不完，又不会死人。不过，这样的减肥法蛮有效的。可以学学。

昨天傍晚去剪发。理发师很健谈，说了许多教儿心得。最后说了一句，人算不如天算。没错。真的如此。就如今天。原来预算留在家做工，没想到被家人拉出门看《881》。小弟刚回来，难得的家庭聚会，不可能拒绝。一天的安排就此打乱了。

大事不断，琐事也不断。大事琐事加起来，人便忙得有些不知所谓。也不是不开心啦。一件件的事情逐步完成，有些事情的轮廓出现了，总有成就感。偶尔与家人朋友的聚会，也感觉贴心。但，就是感觉有些无聊罢了。

为什么呢？说不上来。有时觉得自己的人生，真的掌握在自己手中的，其实好少。步步安排预算，其实又何必。

随波逐流，糊涂一生，不好吗？只是自己放不开。而这，才是真正的糊涂一生啊。

好想逃。

六年

今天是和平的六周年纪念日。

竟六年了。好恐怖。

六年前的这天，两个小孩趁着假日出门玩。在滨海的一隅勾着手，就一路走到今天。

还记得那时许下的诺言。死生契阔，与子成说。

今天收到他送的订婚戒。刻了同样的承诺。比之其他的一切，都动人。

一路上，坎坎坷坷，跌跌撞撞。今天翻到以前写的文章。有一句，每日的酸、苦、辣，比之甜更令人回味。当时年少无知啊。但，今日的我们，分分和和，吵吵闹闹，心痛流泪，仍勾着手往前走。

我们，还有多少个六年？

愿生活永远眷顾善良的人

愿生活永远眷顾善良的人。

在朋友的部落格上看到的一句话。一段文字，原该是我让我看后感到一阵温馨。至少，按我性格应是如此。但。此刻的我，看后却只在想。如何定义“善良”？

一个人善不善良。是不是那么容易可以下定的？此刻的我。一点也不善良。一点也不想善良。

学生总说我心肠软。连骂人都带微笑。除非真的生气，否则，学生从来都不会怕我。就算真的生气，摸熟我心肠软的性子的学生，也一样能够连哄带逗地惹我发笑，再给第一百零一次的机会。真的，不想再善良了。人善被人欺，这一句古语，并不是假的。　

难道说，狠一点，残酷一点，就不善良了吗？有时，就是残酷，才是真正的善良。而我的善良，却是最深刻的残酷。可惜，我永远都做不到这一点。明白也徒然。


上面一段，是大约几个月前，心情极端恶劣时写的。对着我一群小瓜，有时，真的有恨铁之心。他们的贴心，他们的不振，他们的努力，他们的不自律，他们的天真，他们的无知，他们的执著，他们的倔强，牵动着一个老师的心情。一个教书匠，最好的是学生，最坏的也是学生。

不知为何，最近想起，在我还在教育学院混日子时，观察教学的一周，在我的老师的一堂课随意指点了坐在我身旁的一个学生几道题。他在下课时，对我说的一句：“老师，谢谢你。”记得听的时候的心悸。因为是在自己的中学老师的课堂上听到一个学生称我老师，因为是第一次听到一个学生心诚地道谢，只为几分钟的随意指导。因为，第一次有身为老师的认知。

两年多下来，无论是“老师，谢谢你”，还是“老师，对不起”，听得无数次，虽不是麻木，但也谈不上什么悸动。因为几年的教书经验下来已知道，这一句话是真心诚意也好，随口敷衍也罢，学生就是学生，知错未必能改，不会放弃，但也不必抱太多希望。

有人说，没有坏学生，只有烂老师。是吗？我只知道，我很累。

这样的老师，算善良吗？

不喜欢这样的自己。不喜欢这样的老师。在看到学生对我笑时，尤其不喜欢这样的自己。

愿生活永远眷顾善良的人。我宁愿，自己能永远持有善良的心，不论生活是否眷顾我。

换季

《换季》这首歌，是在车上听到的。原来在跟妈妈聊天，不知为何，在听到过门时，就不自觉地伸手把声量调高，噤声。

好喜欢歌词。在听到“让爱换个季节再开花结果，看时间把伤口酿成了收获”时，心纠结了。

有时候，失去并不一定是最坏的结局。不曾拥有，才是最好的结果。这个道理，是在失去了十年后才真正理解到的。一番经验，需要十年的时间，才能明白。

在听到“让爱换个季节再重新拥有，两个人用关心代替了苛求”时，浅笑。有时候，最贴近你心的人，未必是你身边的人。世界上，并非只有一种爱情。

曾看过一部电影，里头的女主角说过一句话：你最后结婚的对象，不一定是你最爱的人。其实，爱有很多，何谓最爱？

不能到最后，其实又何须可惜。如今在偶然想起时，唇边带笑。能笑着回首，坦然回首，如朋友般侃侃而谈，真的，更像幸福。不是吗？ 什么才是最后？太多时候，其实没有什么最后的。

一直记着，你曾在一个秋季一声问候的温暖。

你给过我最美的回忆，无论是谁，又有什么好歉疚的？

朦胧.暖暖

今天是六月的最后一天。这一个六月，发生了太多的事，在刚刚完成翻译作业，眼睛十分疲惫的我，已不想细诉。

今天跑来林的家做作业。原来是因为她病了，想来陪她。可是，其实比较象是她在哄我这个赶作业赶到疯疯癫癫的爱胡闹的人。

终于在八点多把作业解决掉。拖拖拉拉了这段日子，星期一考完试后，至少有两个月的喘气时间，因为下一个翻译考试是九月。

眼睛好累。六月发生的其中一件事，就是这个割眼角膜手术。也不知道算不算一时冲动。没想太多，说做就做了。刚动完手术的几天，好痛苦。眼睛对于我，应该是最重要的一个部分。不能看书，不如杀了我更痛快。

其实，到了现在，我还是不习惯不戴眼镜。也许是长久的习惯。眼镜不知不觉，成了一个保护膜，挡风挡沙之余，也是个变相的面具。没戴眼镜，感觉赤裸。不知为何，不能接受学生看到不戴眼镜的我。有些傻气地去做了个没有度数的眼镜，就为了在学校戴。同事问起，只说因为还有些度数，看书需戴。

其实，还有些度数是真的。直到现在，看东西还是有些模糊。雾里看花，什么都添了些朦胧美。不喜欢，不习惯。尤其用电脑时，屏幕的亮更是辛苦。每一晚都感觉疲惫。

其实，不该太介意的。看东西，何须太清晰。朦朦胧胧，懵懵懂懂，不是更好。


六月份的另一件事，是平回来了。有他在的日子，总是比较好的。和爸爸妈妈和平去了泰国一个星期，感觉像个公主。三个都是把我宠坏的人。

其实有些愧疚的。平回来的首几天，因为工作而忙碌的我，不是拉着他跟着我去学校，就是因为工作而没时间陪他。后来又拉了他出国。好好相处的时间，都没有几天。就是最后一天，拿了本书去他家。他看电视，我看书，时间如此宁静地度过。吃了晚餐后，他送我回家。那一段曾走过无数次的小路，追追赶赶，在嬉笑中，仿佛回到六年前。

最近在听梁静茹的“暖暖”，其中一段歌词特别触心。

我想说其实你很好，你自己却不知道。真心地对我好，不要求回报。
爱一个人，希望他过更好。打从心底暖暖的，你比自己更重要。

想说，你真的很好。可我常常不知道。抑或，不是不知道，而是忘掉。

很任性的我，并不太知道如何疼惜人。但，我会努力的。因为，真的希望你过得更好。

逃不了，最后谁也都苍老

好久没听93.3了。最近因为不舒服，父亲开车送我去上课，才在车上听了几次。感觉，仿佛回到了初院时代，那是我听93.3的高峰期。

刚刚在来学校的途中，一上车，就听到一首感觉既陌生又有一丝丝熟悉的歌。想了想，是最近好友介绍的一首新歌，演唱乐队队名怪怪的，记不住。老实说，最近听英文歌比中文歌多。再加上，一旦不听93.3，认识的新歌马上直线下降。好难得，播的新歌有我听过的，且记得住的。这一首，好像叫什么“情歌”的，旋律一般，歌词也普通，其实并不怎样。但，我记住，因为其中的一句歌词。

“逃不了，最后谁也都苍老”。

仿佛应了方文山《发如雪》的那一句，“我等待苍老了谁”。

最近的一个月，学校适逢考试期，工作量剧增。偏偏自己又不知死活地安排了许多业余的东西。搞得自己几乎夜夜熬夜改卷。也不知是否是累坏了，身体开始抗议，闹了一次此生最严重的一次胃病。疼得我恨不得把胃撕出来，不要算了。

这段日子，生活忙碌。又病又累。过得辛苦，让自己有些感慨吧。听了这一句词，有些触动。在我们为一些不知所谓的东西坚持着时，岁月已逝。而最后，紧紧握在手中放不开的，究竟是不是我们想要的？

把生活安排得如此密不透风，还不过是想逃？可，人生总是如此。越想逃避，缠得就越紧。最后，只落得一个苍老。这辈子，有谁真的能逃脱？太多时候，再用力跑，也只是原地踏。只怕，逃一生，却发现自己只是在监狱外自设另一个陷阱。

但，身边有许多朋友，让我感觉自己真的是幸福的。就努力活得开心吧。谁说，苍老不是另一番人生体会？

p/s: 在播了这首新歌后，93.3接着播的是古巨基的《喜欢》。是我初院时代最爱的一首歌之一。不知为何，现在听来，感觉甜得令人发疼。真的，年龄不一样，感觉不一样了。仿佛棉花糖，远看粉粉的，香香的诱人，散发着童真。可，买一束咬一口，才发现自己早过了那爱吃这样黏黏甜甜的零食的年龄，倒不如留作一份回忆，云雾梦幻。

little pockets of time...

Now Playing : I Miss Me - Brad Cotter

April’s being one of my busiest months yet… wushu competition, three concurrent dance courses, 12 sets of essays to mark for CA2, setting of the mid-year paper, typing of remarks for the mid-year, translation assignment and exam, plays/films/dinners in the weekends and the weekly social dance nights… have hardly any time to sit down for a meal unless it’s a pre-arranged dinner date…

Which is why I appreciate the little pockets of time… one hour or two in between places I have to be and people I have to meet… an hour or two at a café… time to scribble a few thoughts or just to sit and daze… time which belongs to no one but myself… time when I can clear my mind and keep bad thoughts at a bay…

Still, I’m thankful for all in my life… everything that makes me alive… work that fills my days with purpose… the plays and films that fill my soul… friends that goes beyond the word “friend” that makes me feel cherished and blessed… I have angels in my life...


I'm not the same... Just someone else using my name...
I wish you'll come back... coz I miss me...

Stars in the sky...

Weekend was jammed starting from Fri midnite when I started to do my translation assignment which was supposed to be handed in before the exam on Sat…it was a horrible assignment…. one part political, one part economic and one part expository. All subjects I hate and am unfamiliar with…called P who dropped his work to help… finished two thirds of it and went to bed. Woke up at 8plus to continue and finished it at about 11am. Dashed to my cousin’s place to print it out before coming back to pack for the exam… which I had no time to study for at all. But it turned out okay I guess. The paper wasn’t too hard; at least it was nowhere as hard as the assignment. Anyway, it’s two down, and four more modules to go…

Went dancing at night after the paper and had one of the rare fun nights for months… althou I got whacked on the nose by J. It’s the first time I ever got whacked since I started dancing 2 years back. Stepped on, yes, multiple times. Whacked people, yes, multiple times too. But never ever got whacked, much least on the face. At least it was memorable. J was so apologetic it’s actually funny. But minus the painful/humorous incident, it was a great dance night. Union was actually not crowded at all but most of the crowd I dance with was there, which is a great combination.

Met with Lin today for Blithe Spirit, a light-hearted comedy that we both need…a little bit of fluff. Went for tea at an elegant café after… always enjoy the time with her… Had dinner after with another friend before returning home…

Missed a couple of stops on the way home and ended up somewhere near P’s place instead. Decided to walk home instead of taking a return bus, thought it would be faster if I took the back way. But it was dark and I took a wrong turn into a dead end and got lost in the labyrinth of private housing… It wasn’t a very smart move I guess… The roads were quiet and dimly lit and I passed a couple of construction workers…. took a few tries before I found a stairway I didn’t knew existed that led down to a road I was more familiar with. I thought I knew the area, but I guess I only really know the way from P’s place to mine. Still, there are rewards… raised my head when walking through a shadowy road to see stars in the sky. It’s a moonless, starry sky…never realized that one could see so many stars in the sky in Singapore… I may have got home 30 minutes later than I should, but it was a cool night and the stars accompanied me home… It would have been lovely walk, if not for the fact that I had to rush home to type my remarks…

失而复得

好久没这样一个星期天，全天待在家里。

想好好休息。想寻回一些平静。思绪却仍旧混乱。

原来失去的，不是那么容易就能寻回的。抑或，是从来没拥有过的，也就无所谓寻回。

前天不小心按了查阅hotmail的键，愕然发现因为太久没进入，hotmail竟然把所有的邮件都删除了。只留了hotmail staff寄来的一封不知所谓的邮件。心情莫名的惊慌。打了电话给平，问他这些邮件是否有存底。印象中没有，他只存了mit的信件，因为知道毕业后户口会被删除。hotmail的一来是他寄给我的，二来从没想过会被删除，没理由备存。

这些信，是六年前的信件了。若不是不小心发现已经失去，也许也不会想到要去看。但，在知道也许再无阅读的可能性时，却发现这几封信的重要性。

真的重要吗？

平试图安慰我时，说我们之间互寄的信件如此之多。手写的，短讯的，不同的邮址存的信件数不胜数。在一起六年，他在西我在东的日子占了大部分，彼此的文字堆积如山。也不差hotmail的这几封吧。

不一样的。Hotmail的这几封，记录的是最初的单纯。是再也找不回来的感觉。没有包袱，没有要求，没有压力。只有最纯的思念与甜蜜。六年了。当初的许多都已失去。也许，是注定的。感觉找不回来，留着些黑白的证明又有何用？可，却无法克制自己莫名的在乎。就是无法接受失去这些信件的可能。

几个小时后，平打了电话来，说找到了。原来，真的有备存，在一张CD里。

读了吗？感觉，好像是另外一个人写的，对不对？

找到了。却不想再读。不想，面对自己的改变。

深呼吸

最近常做深呼吸。

深呼吸，屏除疼痛。
深呼吸，控制情绪。
深呼吸，不让自己再次动摇。
深呼吸，让自己坚持下去。
深呼吸，不能倒下。

深呼吸，我还活着。还是个人。

....

最近的人生让我过得很无措。

今天是妈妈的生日，妈妈却告诉了我一些事。她说我们长大了，她做的决定不该再影响我们。不是的。再大，我们还是她的小孩。和妈妈出去，说了很多话，有些角色逆转的感觉。但其实我凭什么？如果她所说的真的成真，我会如何？又能如何？

今天收到平寄来的生日礼物。想哭。

昨晚和萱聊天。发现她比我勇敢坚强太多。我身边的朋友，都是好的。只是，在他人眼中，我们都该是坏的吧。如果他们能透视我们表层的华美包装。

轻

心情轻快。

好久没感觉这么轻松了。抑在心中的一份沉沉似乎随风轻云淡飘逸。心中缺落的那一角并没补上，但至少不再淋血。

星期天，待在家里。责我夜夜笙歌的父母，竟然选我乖乖在家的一天，全跑出门。没关，就自己一个待在家，看戏睡觉。晚上赖在沙发上，有一句没一句地改卷，有一搭没一搭地和妈妈闲聊。妈妈其实是聪明的，什么都瞒不了她。但，她更聪明地什么都不说。

一个星期天，就这么简单地过了。原来，打开了一个结会使另一个解不开的结松化一些。有些事，一辈子也无法解，那也不用太执着吧。这人生嘛，不也就这样过了。

晚上早睡。这是多么难得的享受。好喜欢这种感觉，仿佛喝了一杯清凉的茉莉绿茶。

不是放开。但，也是放开。

简讯心情

前些日子因为一个朋友偏爱以发简讯的方式沟通，手机信箱经常爆满。所以这几天常常发现自己在做删除简讯的工作。

常告诉自己，要养成一收到简讯，阅读完毕，就立刻删除的好习惯。但却无法做到。

偏自己有个怪癖。在删除简讯时，喜欢一个一个打开来，重读一遍再删。手机设有“删除所有信息”的智能功能，却从来只是摆着不用。费时费力，却能重新回味一段段的对话。就算简单如朋友传来的“赶着去朋友家，手机快没电了”，这么一个平凡的信息，也藏着一层回忆。原先是收到时，习惯性的不删。隔几天随意翻阅到，不觉感到窝心，也就不舍得删。

就这样收着，收着，信箱不觉爆满。以往发简讯还只是一种生活便利，只在无法通电话时才用。现在碰到一个朋友把简讯当MSN用，一天就可以爆我一次信箱，就真的开始埋怨了。不由得怨起自己的手机只能容约200个信息。但，以往的手机只能收10个信息的。人心呀，永远无法满足。

其实，埋怨也只是口头的碎念。删简讯，是个差事，但却也是一种享受。

Each message means, you are in my thoughts.

会这么怨，是因为每一个简讯，都珍惜。

疯

2月16日 —— 2月17日。

好久没玩得那么疯了。大概大学毕业之后，就没。

唱K，吃鱼生，跳舞，看电影。原来要分5天做的事，一天全做了。

很满足。玩得尽兴，电影好看。陪我玩的人够疯。

开心。仿佛找回了以往的自己。自由，自主，随性。没有责任，不想太多，想做就做。不像现在，什么都安排好，且安排得让自己没有喘气的时间。昨天的疯狂，已影响了自己几日的安排。但值得。找回了呼吸的空间。

感谢陪伴的人。不会跳舞也在舞池边呆了两个小时。说好看部电影的，没想到看着看着，就凌晨了。

知道我不好陪，所以谢谢你陪我一整夜。不知道这样玩你是真的开心还是只是迁就我。但，想让你知道，这一夜，我很开心。

不算熟，认识也没多久。知道你不开心，也不能说什么。就一声谢谢吧。谢谢你，谢谢你的时间。谢谢你让我找回一些些以往的自己。谢谢你给了我这一夜的回忆。也祝福你。开心点吧。人要开心，不容易，也没你想得那么难。

Fundamentally Happy

Now Playing : I Wish You Love - Rachael Yamagata

Watched a couple of good shows recently, one of which was Fundamentally Happy.

Heard rave reviews about the play’s first showing and went in with high expectations. Wasn’t disappointed… but wasn’t terribly impressed either.

I like it, and I don’t.

I like it for the surfeit of emotions and the questions and feelings it digs up within us and the fact that it doesn’t give simple answers. It doesn’t give any answers at all. It doesn’t paint a pretty picture and there isn’t any right or wrong. The playwright laughingly commented that we could even see the play as “morally evil” and in its twisted way, we can.

It shows the truth the way it is. Complex.

I also like the clarity defined in the neatly boxed setting of the new Gallery Theatre.

I don’t like it for the slightly erratic writing, the start of each act seems contrived somehow and the about face turn in the frequent change of emotions is too abrupt to be believable, making the acting seem over the top at times when the actor tries to make up for it. The play didn’t ring true at times.

The ending music was hauntingly perfect but I didn’t cry and didn’t even feel like crying, and that says a lot. I wasn’t drawn in to feel for the characters and somehow that says it all. It’s a pity because I felt there was so much potential and so much more that could be wrung out from this story.

I can see why so many people liked this piece and I do recommend it when it shows again (there’s another run scheduled I think). I’ll even see it again… perhaps in a different mood and changes, it’ll stir different reactions…

二人前，二人后

上周临时决定不去Gym，去看一部戏。是最后一分钟的决定，也就没约谁。只是早上问了问妈妈要不要去。因为太突然，妈妈本来说不要，没想到下午爸爸却打了电话来。心血来潮的冲动，却成了家庭聚会。

只是在周二看了电邮的通告时，忽然有一股冲动想看戏才做了决定改变计划。最近太累，就想看戏。没想到机缘巧合，竟看了一部好戏。

最好的戏，是让观众笑着流泪的。《二人前，二人后》是不是最好的一部戏，不知道。但，却让人在笑得前伏后仰时，忍不住想哭。

开幕的《小丑》原先让人以为进了马戏团，闭幕时却让人心酸。《双生儿》台词锋利幽默，有些自嘲，结尾时却让人仿佛掏了心般的空虚。《电话》很简单，很风趣，也很冷漠。在交纵的感觉中，体验了两个人相处时的复杂心情。

但最喜欢的是《猫》。很喜欢的戏，台词棒，演得细，尤其猫的小动作好传神。猫与主人之间的关系，那份依赖，那份不舍，那份怨气，那份不耐。带着秘密，带着怀疑，带着关怀，带着心恋。

“你走呀！我不想再见到你！”

一时的气话，伤得深。明知自己的贪玩会换来这句伤人的话，却无法控制自己。就如他无法控制自己不说。

“你介意？那你还咬我？”

介意的何止这个。介意他身上有其他猫的痕迹。介意自己偷听过他曾想把自己送走。介意，却不说。只有等，等一天他不再说。等，看他是否真的会把自己赶走。等，测试他对自己的喜欢。一边等待，一边介意，一边积怨。

是磨爪还是按摩？到最后，谁是主人谁是猫？其实已经不重要。两个，都是俘虏。

两个人，在一起久了，就是如此了吧。

因为喜欢，所以伤得深。因为离不开，所以伤害。因为依赖，所以含怨。

两个人的关系，本就如此单纯。却永远都是复杂的。

很少在看一部戏时，想哭，却哭不出来。因为心被掏了空。也许这是好事，喜欢这一份心悸，但也太累。

Random Thoughts of the Day

Now Playing: Unfaithful - Rihanna

I die a little every Wednesday… if not physically, then mentally….

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I hate the showers at One Raffles Quay. They run between scalding hot and freezing cold in seconds, fickle and temperamental lovers.

----

I have yet to meet a printer that doesn’t dislike me at first sight. Why???

----

I realize I have this ingrained reaction of asking for permission to leave a class and am genetically disposed to being late for class. Even during gym class, I’ll try to catch the eye of the instructor and receive a nod of acknowledgement before leaving the class with a peace of mind. And I feel guilty like hell if I’m late, even if nobody else really cares. And after more than a year, I still get a jolt sometimes when my kids ask me for permission to leave the class to go toilet/refill water/whatever. It’s like a reminder that I’m a teacher when I’m still a student mentally. Huh.

---

I miss jazz…

public transport woes

Somewhere, probably closer to hell than heaven, there must be a god of public transport that doesn’t like me very much. How else do you explain the way I can never get home early on the weekday nights when I have to wake up at the inhumane hour of 6am the next day?

I have an unwritten rule of no taxis, no matter what, but I decided to break it on Wednesday after a grueling resistance training and a demoralizing rueda session where I discovered that I no longer know how to turn. After more than fifteen minutes of waiting at various roadsides and flagging red-topped taxis that are invariably hired or on call and taxis that only go tampines and pasir ris (why only east???), I gave up and started for the mrt station. Only to flag down the only one green-for-hire taxi in sight when I was about to reach the mrt station about ten minutes later.

The next night on Thursday was a easy night with a light rpm session (although ‘light’ and ‘rpm’ together is an oxymoron) and a soft pilates session. So I decided to take the long bus ride home, and ended up waiting for over 30 minutes for the horrible bus while green top taxis breezed by in packs.

The two places aren’t that far apart! Maybe a fifteen, twenty minute walk, where the hell were all those taxis on Wednesday???

Friday was salsa night, the kind of fun dance night that I haven’t had for a long, long while. Saw many old dance friends that invariably turned up closer to eleven pm. Although I promised myself to leave on the dot, dancing “last dances” with friends pushed the time closer to eleven thirty instead. Ran all the way to the mrt station to wait another 5 minutes on the platform and inevitably missed the last bus home.

Haiz. *looks heavenwards* What did I ever do to you, O god of public transport???

Never mind, as the old saying goes, 天将降大任于斯人也，必先苦其心志，劳其筋骨，饿其体肤. Although what kind of 大任 requires chasing after elusive taxis and waiting for never-ever-coming buses drove by bus drivers with no sense of time, I have no idea.

January days...

Now Playing: Everytime We Touch (Yanou's Candlelight Mix) - Cascada

I can’t believe that it’s only one week to the end of January… Jan has always been one of my favorite months of the year; the fresh and new feeling of a new year, being able to start anew makes everything seem brighter… And somehow when one is getting used to all the new people and getting back into routine, time flies by especially fast and in no time at all, it’s already the end of the month and almost February.

Looking down the year, I have a feeling the year’s going to fly by: every month has a major activity of sort and minus the weekly and daily activities; time always zooms by when one is busy. Chinese New Year is coming when I still in the Christmassy mood (one good thing about crossing cultures is we get a double load of festive seasons), and I’m looking forward to the reunions and good food. Went to Sakae for their yusheng with Lin the other day, my fave CNY dish. It’s a tradition for us already, yusheng at Sakae every year. My CNY resolution, to eat yusheng as many times as possible and double last year record of 5 times if possible!

Catching up on some shows that I’ve watched recently…

Chestnuts with Lin was great fun! It’s more organized than last year which was messy at times. Thus the entire show was tighter and more thematically done. The beginning spoof of the Phantom opening was especially hilarious. Some parts were more of the tear-your-hair-out-you-can’t-stand-the corniness kind of funny, but it was still a fun outing overall and a great round up of the theatre/film entertainment of the year. I always like the list of local theatre shows near the end, which never fails to allow me to relive all the local shows I watched. Was reminded of “A Language of Their Own”, a show that really touched my heart that of the year.

Also watched Big Bang Love, Juvenile A. A Japanese film that was a strange experience, nothing like what I expected at all… It somehow reminds me A Good Shepherd (a film P pulled me to watch because he thought it would be similar to Bourne Supremacy based on the fact that both stars Matt Damon), which is totally weird because both shows have absolutely nothing in common except for the fact that they were both nothing like what I expected (and both have eye candy). Big Bang Love is both soft and raw, tender and harsh. It’s a surfeit of emotions, slyly drew out. When I left the darkened picturehouse theatre, I felt strangely numb.

On more work-related news, I’m starting to understand my kids better. Even a class that I originally thought would be a trouble-maker because of its rowdiness. One of the boys was sitting in the corner, recently (according to him, wrongfully) chastised by a teacher, and he asked me quite pitifully if he is a “bad boy”, and I quite awfully couldn’t help myself from laughing. The boys always make me laugh and the girls are always sweet… somehow every year, the students change and yet remain the same…

A Start of 2007...

Just recovered from a bout of illness but I’m still coughing… Feel like my immune system must be damaged in some way… am falling ill (or as my dance instructor says, fighting virus) every two months or so…

Tired… in between lessons now. A very long interval as my last lesson is at 3pm. A timeslot that both the students and I dread. They are too tired to pay attention and it’s the last period so all eyes would be at the clock. Mine too, probably.

My first translation course has just ended and it was quite enjoyable. Loved being the student in a class, the joy and fulfillment of gaining knowledge and learning something that I’m really interested in, plus the stress-free environment of doing something I’m good at and not at all responsible for… Want to go back to school… Some days I think I’ll be happy if I can just study and get paid for it…

Looking at my resolutions that I wrote at the end of Dec… For the first 3 weeks of Jan, things have been mostly smooth-sailing… minus the flu; I’ve kept most of my resolutions… Been going to gym religiously even to the wrath of my Dad when I’m sick…Spent time with my family on Sundays and meals… though I spent it mostly lounging around on the sofa and eating Dad’s home cooked meals… my table at home is still recognizable as a table… although my office table is deteriorating… P and I are making an effort to spend more time on the phone despite our messy schedules and time differences and unreliable phone connections… Also meeting up with friends regularly for meals and shows…

Learning about my class as the time passes… they are a cute bunch although they are Sec. 3s. Perhaps it’s because I taught this level when they were in Sec. 1, they simply don’t feel like Sec. 3s to me… they seem so happy-going… Or maybe it’s because they don’t have to take the Os.

One resolution that I didn’t manage to keep is dance. Haven’t danced since I got back from the States! Signed up for a repeat of Rueda 1 at the end of the month… looking forward to it but I do hope that won’t be the next time I dance…

Watched Singapore Dreaming the other day with my dad… There’s an image of an old lady going through old photos when her husband died that stayed with me through the night… the way she talked about their courtship and the days before their marriage… the way she used to love the sing before her marriage and wondering how is it that she stopped singing once she got married… It made me feel sad…Thinking about how her husband treated her at the start of the film, the way their love died… Did it die because they changed? Or did they change because their love died? Do we blame her husband for the way she is? But is she the same person he fell in love with? Did he change or did she?

We all change… and when we do, how do we stay in love with the people we loved? And how do the people who love us stay in love with us when we are no longer the person they loved in the first place?

Mei had some lovely news to share when we met up early Jan (although the devious girl kept it till minutes before she had to leave to meet her darling)… It’s hard to imagine how we’ve been friends for 20 years now… We are all growing up… in a pace faster than I’m ready for…

post-travel update

Back for five days and its been school every, single day. Argh. 3 days worth of full day meetings and I spent the entire day at school finishing up misc. stuff… its amazing how many little things can accumulated and take you up to 9 hours to do.

A few good things, I’ve cleared both my room and office tables! This is a major feat as anyone who has seen the state of both tables prior-clearing will attest. Now the Swiss mountains on my room’s table are actually visible in all their magnificence. One of my new year’s resolution is to keep my tables clear. Okay, now that’s down in black and white, I’ll *have* to do it!

A year has swiftly gone by in a blink of an eye…. And a new year is about to begin. A brand new one as I’m not taking back my two classes. I’m going to miss them, especially my Sec. 1 babies… Was packing their books to hand over to their new teacher and I realize how much I’ll actually miss these kids… with their brashness and impetuousness. I thought I’ll follow them up to Sec. 2 and see them grow… They are my first real form class, my babies. Well… we’ll still be in the same school and I’ll just be tracking them on the side…

The days back been mostly school-filled and rain-drenched… went to the gym for two days…. Jazz first, which I missed so…and the outdoors gym. There’s something poetic about doing balance while listening to the patter of the rain at night… and the cooling breeze is so welcome during rpm…

Met up with jx on Wednesday too… it’s always a pleasure to see old friends… and he sweetly covered me all the way home… Met up with Sze Mei…. Enjoyed our gossip and ragging session… Went to the Loft dance performance and the National Museum with my family…

And that’s about all the activities I did…

Been feeling very tired ever since I came back thou… not sleeping well… its half jet lag and half I-don’t-know-what… want to rest, but not really able to… miss Bellevue and the lazing days… miss the Rockies and the breathtaking winter scenes… miss P too…

christmas ramblings

Now Playing: Home for Christmas - N'Sync



Lazing in bed now even though its nearly noon…. Am in such a lazy holiday mood ever since we got back from the Rockies.

Well, it was a long, long drive… watching the scenery outside turn from black and white to brown and green… snow-covered mountains to wide plains… kinda stressful at times thou because of the icy roads and the many warning signs of compact snow and winter driving conditions and dangerous high mountain roads with unpredictable weather. But we made it home safe… had a short stopover in Vancouver and ate at the same sushi café we did 3 years back at Water St. and took photos at my favorite photo site with the white sails of Canada Place as the background..

It was a wonderful and hugely memorable trip…all the snow and icefalls and breathtaking winter scenes and the cold and warmth of walking in such a winter wonderland… It’s a white Christmas…

And now we’re home and lazy…. Except for cooking, I’m barely doing anything else… (I did go out to make a secret X’mas pressie for P yesterday).... just grocery-shopping, napped and loll around in bed reading novels and watching dvds… plan to go send off some presents and cards later and shop for more groceries for Christmas cooking tomorrow and that’s about it…not that P is more productive… for someone that complained about missing a day of work, he’s spending lots of time on his Civilization computer games.

However, I do love these lazy and peaceful days... the Christmas carols playing over the speakers… the companionship and joy of enjoying the simple gifts in life… a good book, a happy movie… and yes, a good strategic game :p

We might go out tomorrow though to Bellevue downtown… Bellevue is a familiar yet somehow slightly strange place… I remember knowing it well after spending a month here, but its been 3 years… so its kinda irritating… having the knowledge that I used to know it well but needing things to trigger the memory… like which freeway exit to take when driving back and the streets around… and what bus to take to go downtown… It’s definitely not Boston… which I do still know well and miss… there’s no snow here… which is easier yet sad…

Planning to do some major cooking tomorrow as I always do on my last day, added benefit that it’ll be our early Christmas celebration…

Rockies

Now Playing: Winter Wonderland - Diana Krall



Sitting at a window seat in the rustic Num-Ti-Jah Lodge, looking out to a winter storm, giant flakes falling on a snow-covered frozen lake…

This is an unplanned detour in our Canadian Rockies trip… we were going to head straight to Jasper via the Icefield Highway, but the bad weather and increasingly large snowflakes changed our mind and we decided to stay the night at the only available lodge on the highway next to Bow Lake and Glaciers… a rustic lodge meant as a retreat, it has no tv and no cellphone reception. However, it do have wireless internet! Well, at least P isn’t going to be bored out of his mind and make noises.

This is a lovely place though, filled with antique furniture made out of deer antlers and comfy sofas and window seats… the view outside is amazing… mountains and lakes all covered with several feet of snow… Christmas pines everywhere… it is the perfect place to curl up with a book and a journal (or a laptop computer with wireless access)… I don’t really mind this detour which is going to set us back a day… P can make one more day anyway for his leave. It just means a longer vacation!

It’s so tranquil here… the snow makes it impossible for us to do anything outside and for anything to get to us… a place to truly just stop…

We had a fun four days before at Banff and Lake Louise… Banff was just exciting, with trail walks up snowy pathways and catwalks to frozen waterfalls and dog-sledding in the snow. The several drives down Lake Minnewaka and Lake Vermillion were simply breathtaking, especially amidst the salmon pink sunrise… The town was sweet, an avenue all lit in Christmas lights and a different sushi place every night… Lake Louise was simply stunning and gorgeous, a vast expense of ice edged with glaciers and mountains… we couldn’t see the emerald of Emerald Lake, but it did glitter with ice…Natural Bridge and Kicking Horse Creek was striking, it’s a scene we often saw before during our summer vacations, but to see the creek and stones all covered with snow… the rushing of water amidst the ice… its simply amazing…

And the drives from place to place… ranged with the mountains and pines and lakes… all frosted and iced, silver and white vistas… its like a black and white photo at some points…. the views are so dramatic… its so unbelievable and nothing like we ever experienced…

And we still have three more days in Jasper to look forward to before we start our drive home…

a quiet week

Had a quiet week…

Mon was mahjong with JL and shufen, haven’t seen these two friends for awhile and we enjoyed a long session of mahjong at my place. We met for lunch before I brought them back to my place.

It’s hard to imagine, but despite the fact that my dad is a life long mahjong guru, I actually only learnt how to play a couple of years back at Boston… and JL was actually one of my mentors. Still remember one of the twins (still can’t tell which one) sitting by my side and teaching me how to form the sequences and what earns more points….Time flies and now JL has already graduated and those mahjong nights at the basement of Senior House are only fond memories…


Went back to school on Tuesday which was one of the worst days I had for awhile... luck and my own indecisiveness playing equal parts… I actually liked going back to school. Puts me in touch with reality, the two weeks marking and on course away from school has made me kinda off-centered… back at school and yelling at my kids over the phone for being irresponsible prats put me right back at home. (yea, sadistic I know). Spent the morning running around in between the cca and writing lesson plans with colleagues made me feel right back at home too… the adrenaline from juggling a few tasks at a go… but in the afternoon when everything settled down, my flu caught up with me again… was debating between going to the gym as I originally planned or meeting my graduating sec 4 kids for dinner… decided against the dinner as Lanhua didn’t want to go too (I passed my flu to her) and didn’t make it for the gym session either … went too late and the session was full… got so irritated with myself for my inability to make decisions… went for dinner and to top it off, I missed a stop on the mrt on the way home and took double the time I normally do… was so angry with myself. I can be such an idiot at times…

Wed and Thurs are better days….

My flu isn’t getting any better even though it’s been more than a week… and I haven’t got any real studying done for my looming gre. So I cancelled plans for gym, dancing and movies and stayed at home for the whole two days and did my maths practice test with an enormous box of tissue in front of me and an ever-growing pile of tissue… it rained for both days… providing a melodious background.

Actually enjoyed these two quiet days… feel my mind muscles loosening and settling back into place… Finally having time to relax… enjoy the maths practice too… its actually secondary level maths, and as I did them, I remember how I was actually very good at them back in sec sch and how I had fun solving all these problems… and being able to laugh at myself at times I get stuck at questions my sec. 1 kids would be able to solve…

Have to go back to sch tmr though… another day and yet another after…

Life isn’t all a bed of roses… but it isn’t a bed of thorns either…

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p.s. This is my 50th post and it’s a year since I created this journal…. I only updated 50 times a year…not a very good girl

Cranberry and Books

You know that Christmas is coming when you can smell the sweet scent of Body Shop's Cranberry shimmering lotion three stores down the nearest Body Shop... I remember the first time the Body Shop's Cranberry shimmering lotion was introduced, several christmases ago... P liked it because it reminded him of sweets and candies and I bought a bottle to use in Beijing... Orchard's lights are all lit up, gold this year... and one can almost hear the carols and weirdly for me, the upcoming cny songs. It’s interesting what memories scents and lights alight…

Tomorrow will hopefully be the last day of marking, and I'm half relieved and half sad... kinda like the sense of community and camaderiere we bulit up in our group of marking. Although the compre question I'm marking is one of the harder ones and therefore the slower ones, the laughter we shared and the ready help rendered by each of us makes everything somehow enjoyable. But I'm falling sick thou... so I guess it's a good thing that its finally coming to an end... just in time for the Wushu Judges course that will begin right after on thursday. Looking forward to that as well, we'll finally know how those judges give our kids their marks during the competition.

Despite the stress and backaches and headaches marking gives me... one thing its good for is that the timing is rigid and we cannot bring work home.

So, for the first time in ages.. (in this entire year?).. I find myself reading... read some of the classics which I bought and had been collecting dust on my bookshelf for ages and polished off some trash which I picked up as well..

Read Christopher Bram's Father of Frankenstein and Kazuo Ishiguro's Remains of the Day. Just started Bram Stoker's Dracula... I haven't read for so very long that I forgot what it was like to be unable to put a book down and the pure pleasure of letting good prose wash over you... the quiet you feel when you are immersed in the characters and plot and the contentment... I really should be studying for my gre but I tell myself reading these books are also preparation.

But all these books are so sad... and they reveal so many human flaws... which combined with the CSI I've been watching recently all put me in a slightly dark mood... so thank goodness for the cranberry scent in the air.... a cheering scent that reminds me of happy times...

Other happy events include meet up with friends... Met Lin for Notre Dame de Paris the sunday before, a incredible show that I'm watching for the second time. The first time was back in 2002 in Beijing with XP, and the second time round seems to be even better now that I understand the songs and story better and didn't have to switch between the subtitles and set. Glad that she liked the show as well... Also watched Seven Month Itch with Dr. Lin after a delicate dinner at Memoir...

Also caught the "All the Best" collection with my parents at the SAM last sunday... a thought provoking collection... the fairy tale series especially chilling... met my brother after for lunch to celebrate his birthday at this veggie place that he likes.

Met jx for dinner last night too... its always good to see him. Will be meeting Xiaogua tonight for her birthday... and scheduled dates with several other friends too... Another reason why I love the last months of the year... somehow we see alot more of our friends in these months...

rain and contemplation

sitting in the pacific coffee cafe, contemplating the rain outside... a plate of pink cake in front of me which is doubling up as my lunch and tea...

woke up early today to go to jazz, instead of groove/jazz because I like the choreo and it'll be the last time Sharon's doing it. Wanted to do aqua after, but the rain and thunder cancelled it. Still, managed to do a few laps around the pool and did my first pilates class in a long while before ending up at pacific coffee...

this is my favourite cafe for various reason...

1) comfy red sofas
2) books of various type that one can pick up anytime
3) free internet
4) yummy fruit smoothies they call chillinos
5) they play great music to chill to
6) its located right between the gym and the dance studio

all making it the perfect place to kill time when waiting for evening classes... and the free internet enables me to actually get to my mail on the days when I get home late consecutively and don't have time to check my mail...

just finished 5 days of marking... I actually like it... despite the fact that I suspected I killed alot of my brain cells the past weeks and I skipped 2 days of gym becoz I just wanted to go home and stone in front of the tv after it... but there's something about reading all these essays that students write... their thoughts scattered and sometimes so refreshingly candid.

haven't sat and watch rain for awhile... there's something hypnotic about it... watching streaks of rain fall in the green...

there's something about november... that makes me strangely sad and happy at the same time...

its also the month of birthdays :)

wishing all my friends whose birthdays fall on november a happy birthday! Especially to a dear friend and my darling little brother whose birthday fall on today itself :)

May you have many lovely memories on the brand new upcoming year and time to sit and watch the rain....

Pensive

Now Playing: Borrowed Angels - Kristin Chenoweth

Haven’t written for ages…. Despite the many events that happened lately… the Int’l Salsa Fest… the grueling 8-hour casino workshop… a salsa house party… the ending of school mish-mash of ceremonies and festivals… staying up to finish marking the mock exams…the messy end of school rush with the last minutes nagging at my kids for their paper… the last day of school… dinners and outings with friends that dotted in between…

Feeling a little down at the moment… think I overdosed myself on dance lately… with the 3 nights and 2 days of the fest where I lived and breathed salsa… 7 hour workshops for 2 consecutive days and dancing till 2 or 3 am for 3 consecutive nights… didn’t really feel like dancing last weekend… and union was quiet anyway… except for dancing with Marc which is always fun, but even he said he couldn’t really warm up on Sat… cut down on gym lately too… skipped gym when I planned to go 2 times already… went out for dinner with friends instead (double sin!)…

Feeling pensive… thinking about what is really important in my life at the moment… while cutting down on life itself… sometimes, I think about this so called “exciting” and “fulfilling” life I have… and think “Is this what makes me content?” … and I find that I don’t really have an answer… sometimes I really wish there is such a thing as a Pensieve… so I can stir my thoughts and truly reflect…

Had a strange dream last night… and it made me think… is achieving our dreams all that important? So what if I really do what I want to do? Finish my 3 years of teaching and go overseas to do my masters… live my life in the various countries I want to live in with P by my side … do a job that allows me to make a difference… open a bookshop and end my life with P in a seaside house in Greece or a lakeside house in Switzerland? Will it make me happy and content? I like to think so… but I really don’t know… what if it all happens and I find that this isn’t what I wanted all along? It’s scary… not knowing what you want…

I’ve always been the type that knows exactly what she wants in life… from a very very young age.. I’ve always known that I’ll do Chinese… there wasn’t ever a doubt. I’ve made mistakes in my choices… definitely…and there are things that I regret…wasted time and opportunities… but my life has pretty much turned out the way I wanted it to and I can’t complain…

But sometimes… when I look back and look forward and look at this moment… and wonder why I’m not as happy and I thought I will be when I reach this point of my life….

There must be Borrowed Angels, here in this life
They come along into this world and make this world bright
They reach a little deeper, they see what's in your soul
And when they leave, you know, you'll never let them go
But they can't stay forever, cause they're heaven sent
And sometimes, heaven needs them back again

Six Degrees and Textures

I don’t know if it’s because I face so many different people everyday nowadays… students, colleagues, dance partners, gym friends… somehow I’m starting to find that a lot of different people remind me of different people (does that line make sense?)

Sometimes it’s just a profile, a side view that gives me a jolt and think “hey, isn’t that XXX?” only to find that it isn’t. Sometimes it’s a grin or a certain attitude that’ll make me ask the name just to see if the two different persons share the same surname… Sometimes it’s an entire conversation that makes me blink… it was so like talking to another person… the line of thought and the tone… the “feel” of talking to a person… how can it feel so similar when it’s two different people?

For the first time…I’m starting to find that people have different textures… and those textures can sometimes feel strangely familiar…a different form of six degrees?

Dance, Art, Musical

Now Playing: 牡丹江 - 南拳妈妈

Think I’m dancing too much…. My left knee hurts… It hurt before but the pain usually goes away when I stop dancing but now its kinda like a permanent ache. Also, it never hurt for salsa before, only for jazz and my other fitness stuff like body jam or combat… well… what to do…

Originally wanted to stay late on Saturday at Union… but danced too much at the first two hours… didn’t count the number of dances I did… but a friend commented that he saw me on the dance floor almost the whole night… and when I danced with Dino after eleven, I was almost falling asleep when waiting for him to start and my response was really slow… he said I’ve probably danced too much that night. Felt very tired…. Perhaps because of the knee… or perhaps because of other reasons… anyway, left at eleven forty and caught the last mrt/bus home. Went home and watched the Cheaper by the Dozen dvd I rented from fitness first.

Well… it’s the salsa fest this weekend… will enjoy that… and see if I’ll cut down slightly after… maybe I just need rest… just feel very mellow… missing the fun of enjoying the dance for the dance… somehow it feels more like practice on Sat..

Took a day for myself on Sunday though… no dancing no marking… just a day for myself… Went to the Art of Cartier exhibition at the National Museum which is almost unrecognizable… its all very elegantly done up and reminds me of the museums overseas when all the glossy white walls and glass panels…. The exhibition itself is fascinating… there’s a very good guide who gives little anecdotes which I love though I only caught the latter part of her guide. There are intriguing pieces that I would love to know more about… the stories behind each and every piece so lovingly carved and put together… especially those that are made to order. I always loved jewelry (a fact P can unhappily attest to), the enduring beauty and the stories they hold….

Watched Tick Tick Boom at night… heard some bad reviews and I know it wasn’t all that well-received when it first came out, so I was bracing myself for a disappointment. It wasn’t though, although it wasn’t exactly fantastic, but it was okay. It was an insight to the life of Jonathon Larson before Rent… kinda like a preview or a buildup. I can see the style that leads to the Rent. Overall, quite enjoyable… and I did like the last song and the way it turned from a climax to the happy birthday song…

It was a quiet and reflective day… something I need more of… missing Boston… the days with P and snow falling outside and a hot drink and a book on my lap… days of quiet contentment…


到不了的都叫做远方
回不去的名字叫家乡

Counting my Blessings

Deeply mired in the quicksand pit of marking, marking and more marking…developing a permanent headache and white hairs… I wake up marking, escape from marking by marking, and I sleep marking…

Scribbled this list down during invigilation just now and am taking 5 minutes to type these 10 little happiness and blessings from these marking-filled days to save myself from insanity and imminent brain-dead-ness… to prove to myself, my life is NOT all marking and there are things to be happy for…

1. Had a wonderful night dancing on Saturday…
salsa-ed till past midnite and did a number of lovely dances …
2. Dinner with my mom and brother at Sakae, a rare outing with my family…
3. Tea with Lin on Mon, it’s always sweet to see her…
4. Half an hour of frenzied shopping of retail therapy, came away with 3 pretty skirts and 2 tops.
5. Great Lyrical Jazz class last night, felt good about myself…
6. My jazz friend gave me a lift home! Saving me at least forty minutes of extra sleep
7. P managed to find a number of my favorite salsa and bachata songs recently,
songs that I spent ages looking for to no avail
8. Today is Tuesday = Fried Chicken Day!
9. Meeting Fen for a dinner date at Naxos on Wed, dance, dinner and a good friend!
Looking forward to the relaxation…
10. I finally, finally, finally managed to finish my blood-sucking sec. 3 essay papers!… papers that make me want to literally tear my hair out and breaks my heart with all these people that I’m failing… its finally done and I can finally move on to the sec. 1 essays which are narrative and will hopefully be a breeze after the sec. 3 torture.

And now… it’s back to the grind…

New York Memories...

Was talking to a friend who is in New York and it brought back so many memories… The friend doesn’t enjoy New York, which is sad. I know many of my friends don’t like New York, thinking it too citified and populated and dirty… I do admit New York is all those faults and more,,, but there is more to New York that. Nothing beats New York for the sheer sense of life and living… there’s always something going on and there’s always something to do… its happening and exciting and there is no place that makes you feel as alive as the city of the Big Apple. And there are the little oasis that are scattered around Manhattan…

Always remember the days I spent wandering around Central Park… the breezy day in summer surrounded by all the green… reading a book by the lake in the calming and soothing shade and the Angel of the Waters in view….. the snow scattered lawns and the crystal blue sky in December… the chill and crisp air and watching people walking dogs…. Sipping tea in a quaint café in East Village in between digging through the various vintage shops… the delicious salmon dinner by the fireside in a brownstone restaurant…. Rockefeller with its Christmas lights… the warmth of the golden-hued Astor Hall in the library in winter…Canal Street with its market wares and the smell of freshly roasted honey nuts…. Bryant Park in summer filled with people for the Broadway concert under the stars and in December with its Christmas fair… Times Square with its billboards and its lights… Chelsea with its art galleries and the museum mile providing different things to see every day… the Hudson in the evening when the waters turn rose and navy….Little Korea with its Asian stores and themed restaurants…Brooklyn Heights and Bridge with its incredible view…the Cloisters in spring with its blossoms of every color… even Harlem and its gospel choirs on Sunday…and Strand… a place I can spent an entire day in itself….and the magic of Broadway itself….

How can anyone not like New York? The pure character and chameleon-like facades… changing with every different area …from Wall Street and the Financial Center to East Village to the Upper West Side to Soho and Chinatown to Fifth Ave to Harlem and to Brooklyn…And so easily accessible via the admittedly stinky subway. New York is everything from the gritty street life and cozy street cafes to elegant boulevards and enchanting theatres. It doesn’t aim to please and it doesn’t need to. And most of all, it doesn’t short-change you for the experience as long as you dare to explore… and you can never ever say you are bored in New York…

I do agree that the frenzied pace of the city makes it unsuitable for one to retire in or to live in long-term… but I simply can’t resist its allure… New York sparkles and shines and it’s so easy to fall for… I remember I once told P, I want to stay in Boston but live in New York…

Lost and Found

Been losing things and finding that at most inopportune places recently… and the sheer joy at the discovery is unbelievable…

Spent 15 minutes searching for my black top on Friday morning as I had my heart set on wearing it that day. 15 minutes might not sound like much but its A LOT on a school morning and it meant that I missed breakfast *and* the 640 bus and was almost late for school. As it was, I reached at the nick of time of 730am, 5 minutes before assembly and all for nothing as I didn’t manage to find the top in the end.

Spent the entire Sat morning searching for it again and questioned my parents to no avail. Gave up on it and was consoling myself by planning when I’ll go back to the shop to buy it again (I really liked that top!) when I suddenly had the inspiration to search the pile of clothes-which-I-try-and-discard-on-the-mornings again and miraculously found it! I swear I searched through that pile at least twice beforehand. But I was so happy.

Woke up this morning and had to go for a somewhat-formal lunch with my Mom. Was lazy to dress up and decided to put on my staple pair of earrings and dug through my gym bag for my white jewelry pouch — once, twice and three times. Took the bag over to my mom’s room to search more thoroughly and still nope. Felt the rising panic but was too tired to panic (suffering from the effects of sleeping at 3am)… Called my gym as that was the last time I saw the pouch. Gym promised to search and call so I went off for lunch. Gym didn’t call back by the time I got home so called again… and called again at 630pm only to discovered from the ringing tone that they closed for the day. Ok… undercurrents of panic (still too lethargic for a full- blown attack)…the pouch contains the jewelry my kids gave me for teachers’ day and my two staple sets of earrings and a misc. array of jewelry. If nothing else, the ring P gave me is in that pouch and I will kill myself if I lost it. Ironically, I was debating if I should wear the ring when I was in the gym but decided against it as I was afraid I’ll lose it while dancing…. Called Xuan… the person I always call when I’m feeling low…

Seriously thinking of what to do if I really never recover my pouch (and the ring!) when I decided to re-search my gym bag again…. And miraculously…I actually found it in a side pocket! Although why the hell did I put it in the side pocket where it could easily fall out is something I’ll never be able to fathom.

I can’t describe the incredible feeling I got when I found these stuff I “lost” through plain stupidity …. The feeling of being blessed and incredibly lucky… it’s almost worth the torture I went through thinking I’ll never see my stuff again… almost.

Now… if only I’ll find the wallet I lost last Dec… that contains my non-replaceable photos and matric cards from two unis…

Friends we don't see enough...

Now Playing: For Good - Wicked Soundtrack

Days been pretty jammed recently… sometimes I wonder if I’m pushing myself too much… Dad commented that I’m out till late almost every night and he doesn’t know how I get the energy to get up every morning at six… (although I admit that the morning hour of 6am is the lowest point of my life every weekday).

Work is piling up, more often than not as my papers have come in and the annual holistic report is due… I’m really lucky in the sense that as I’m teaching translation, I only teach two hcl classes and therefore has a smaller marking load than other teachers. My co-form is a dear and takes half of the holistic report workload off me too…but the papers remain piled and don’t seem to lessen… Also been informed that I’m down for O level markings… which extends my marking season till end of Nov… already anticipating the brain-dead-ness…

Recently met an old friend by accident while going for my jazz class at Capital Towers… didn’t know that she actually works at Capital Towers and already has for two years… Managed to squeeze in an hour on Friday for a chat over coffee… Somehow this reminds me of how I’m not meeting up with my old friends… I do see Lin every now and then (more then than now) and I see Xuan for dance every week… but otherwise… all my dear friends, JX, Shimei, Zai, Jia and more… Friends that watched me grow and whom I grew up with… friends that have seen me at my best and my worst and know me inside out… I haven’t seen them for ages and when I do it’s usually once a year. It used to be because they were overseas and I was overseas (or as in Zai’s case, she’s still overseas)… but now we are all on this small little island and we still see each other about once a year… even if Jia stays 10 minutes away!

What is it about human beings that we take such things for granted?

During the chat with Xiao Gua on Fri… I discovered that she’s actually leaving for China next year… and that made me resolve to see her more often. We met last year for her birthday and it’s been almost a year since. Somehow it made me question myself, does it have to take the fact that she’s leaving to wake me up? If she isn’t leaving, when will I take the initiative to meet her again?

I used to pride myself on keeping in touch with my friends. Somehow, the ability slipped away as I started work and various other commitments like salsa and gym. And because all of us is so busy and it takes ages to plan a meet (it took JX and me a month to find a time to meet up for a birthday), sometimes I don’t even bother to make calls when I want to watch plays… I usually just go with my mom or myself. Only to find out that my friends usually do want to watch too… (Yea, Gab, this means you. I’m confessing here).

Time… everything boils down to time… With dance lessons 4 nights a week and gym at least 3 times a week and usually a play or a seminar or some other commitment on the other night and catching up on my work on Sundays… I’m usually rushing here and there with barely enough time for a meal in between sometimes…

But is it worth it? I know I’m doing what I want to do…and I really do enjoy everything I’m doing… I’m making friends through salsa and dance… but is it really worth it?

Nothing will ever replace my friends… people that really know me and still accept me for who I am… and somehow that never changes… when I talked to xiao gua on Friday… it was like the year in between with no contact never happened… we knew what each other was talking about and we could talk about everything, from life plans and worries to yoga classes… we could pick up the unvoiced nuances in what each other said... that kind of comfort only comes from shared history and friendship… and I wouldn’t want to give that up for anything…

But I do fear that I take it for granted… I know my friends wouldn’t change… oh, we will grow and mature… but who we are inside, that wouldn’t change…and our friendship wouldn’t change… but circumstances do… and I’m just not seeing my friends enough…

And I don’t ever want my friends to think that I do not appreciate them because I do… we have shared so much together over the years and nothing would ever take it away and its priceless… and I want to see them more often… not just the once a year for birthdays and before either of us go overseas… but regularly as we used to back in uni and school… I want to be able to talk about our troubles and to share our happiness and to know what’s going on in their lives…I want that closeness that we used to share on a daily basis…these people are more than friends to me…

But will it happen? Will be meeting up with Jia for her birthday and Fen in October… been making plans to meet up with Gab for Happy (a date that has yet to materialize)…but its all not enough….somehow…

Aftermath... dancing....

Now Playing: Solo Por Un Beso - Aventura


Had the first late night in… months? Years? Haven’t stayed out so late for ages… I don’t know what made me stay in Union last night till 215am. My classmates were all surprised why “Cinderella” isn’t leaving at her 11pm curfew, and I actually stayed on after they left at 1am.

Just didn’t feel like going home.

Danced for six hours and did a lot of dances with guys that I always enjoy dancing with… really love the feeling of a good dance, dancing with a lead that doesn’t just have good technique but who actually feels the music and passion and dances with feeling…

Someone I don’t know and probably never danced with asked me by the dance floor last night if I was a good salsa dancer. It was a really weird question not to mention quite rude and out of the blue… but it set me thinking. Not about whether I’m a good salsa dancer or not… I suppose I’m adequate although I still can’t execute perfect double turns more often than not and my beat goes off at times as some of the dance partners that I dance with quite often say… but I do get compliments and enough dance requests to build my confidence on the dance floor :P (I’m really happy that I can go to union alone and still know enough people to keep me dancing as I did on Fri… it’s a long way from one year ago… )

Was talking with a guy friend yesterday by the dance floor and he asked me if I noticed how most of the guys at Union uses the same few moves and you never see a unique style…he seemed kinda demoralized (I can’t imagine why, he’s one of my favorite dance partners)…and he asked me why I enjoyed dancing with him because he thinks he’s the same… don’t remember my exact answer now but it was something like this. I do think that even if all the guys use the same technical moves, I get different feelings when I dance with different guys… the moves might be the same, but the passion is different. Some guys can execute perfect and complicated dance moves, but the dance can feel very cold. Some guys have very flashy styles, but you just can’t enjoy the dance.

Its not about the technique or looking good… its dancing with someone that makes you feel good, someone who makes the effort to protect you on the dance floor and immerses you into the music and the mood… even if its just doing basics and cross-body leads over and over again, it’ll still be fun and feel good… (and yes, I do dance with guys that do that).

I can’t explain exactly what it is about certain leads that really make me enjoy the dance… sometimes its just the feeling… like my last dance last night… it was a bachata dance and I still don’t really know the steps to bachata despite my 3 bachata workshops (yea, many apologies to the poor guys that danced bachata with me last night), but the dancer simply held me close and asked me to close my eyes and let him lead. So I did and I let the music overwhelm me… and it was one of the best dances of the night…

郁

最近不知为什么，感觉郁郁。其实生活很丰富的。周日工作量很多，而且都是看得到成果的。上了几个进修课，包括一连三日很精彩的孔庆东的讲座。自己负责安排 的讲座刚结束。卷子也改了大部分。晚上都有课，而且也蛮有满足感。周末都去跳舞，现在都很享受跳舞的时候，已不再如刚开始时的僵硬，认识的朋友也多。最近 刚刚考了英文考试，感觉离与期盼的未来近了些。十二月的假也安排了差不多。时不时与父母一起吃饭，看戏。上周和妈妈看了弟弟的表演，这周和妈妈看电影。周 三和林一起去了间酒吧听音乐。周日上了个蛮不错的舞蹈课。又开始上爵士课。下周将和妈妈看《雷雨》，周六考翻译课程的入学试。日子可以说是精彩。但不知为 何，就是郁郁。

总有些小小的不如意。总使人感觉不甘，因此而不开心。如此的放不下，放不开。无法释怀，也就郁郁。平最近总是忙碌。感觉自己被冷落。却不由得想起，自己刚开始工作时是否也如此。但却无法释怀。习惯被宠，习惯他的嘘寒问暖，习惯他每日的电邮，习惯他任我予取予求。

孔老师的金庸讲座，让我忆起了在大学时的日子，和上一个真正好老师的一堂精彩的课的满足感。怀念当学生的感觉，读自己有兴趣的东西，发掘新的体会与知识的那种满足与兴奋。生活的自由，精神的丰富。

学生最近是让我开心地泉源。他们的乖巧，逗趣，偶尔的贴心举止。但，考试将临，他们的不懂事也是让我烦恼的泉源。总觉得，自己实在帮不了他们什么。

也不知我还要什么。不知道自己还缺什么。生活按计划而走，却不懂得享受这个过程，只懂得怀念。这样的人呀。

生亦何欢，死亦何忧，悠悠世人，自扰实多。

What's in a bag?

Been lugging around a huge gym bag recently, and thus many friends’ greeting upon seeing me was not “hello” or “hey” but “what’s in the bag????” which prompted me to do this post which also helps me know exactly what am I lugging around???

Reminded somewhat of a local newspaper’s feature of detailing items in some celebrity's bag and decided to treat myself as a celebrity and do it that way with mini-explanations for each item, minus the cute celebrity photo :P


Shoes:
Ÿ white salsa character shoes, reason obvious
Ÿ black jazz shoes, for lyrical and ff’s groove & jazz and bodyjam classes
Ÿ blue track shoes/white dance sneakers in a black bbss shoebag, for step and combat classes
and yes, I do carry all three pairs of shoes around at days when I have all the classes!


Books:
Ÿ “Without You”, an autobiography I’m reading that P sent over from the states
Ÿ “Qingnian WenCai”, Chinese mag that the school ordered, great for short leisure reading and I’m using it to search for compre passages for the end-year paper I’m supposed to set
Ÿ Toefl guide book, borrowed from Eugene and my test is in two weeks!
Ÿ Blue Peking U jotter book, I have several such small notebooks, some pretty, some not. I use them to doodle and jot down notes… this one is already half filled with my Taiwan notes…

Utilities: since I joined the gym, I tend to shower before I go home… hence the many utilities pouches
Ÿ Shower pack, with my shampoo, facial cleanser etc in this waterproof black mesh bag that I keep in a plastic ziplock
Ÿ Moisturizer pack, a black kookai bag that holds a amazing array of moisturizers and toners etc for different times of the day and other extras like perfumes, combs etc
Ÿ Make up pouch, because I have some events recently like the RV dinner and JJ’s salsa party that requires make up…
Ÿ Jewelry pouch, to keep loose jewelry safe when I’m in the gym
Ÿ A change of clothes is usually in there too but it’s out the minute I get home…

Misc. Stuff:
Ÿ Ipod in a white drawstring pouch – for music
Ÿ iRiver mp3 player in a cute blue elephant pouch – I use this more as a usb drive and when my ipod batt dies on me
Ÿ my blue wallet (P has a matching grey one!) – holds my cards and cash
Ÿ 4 packets of tissue – I used to have none until I bought 4 for 1 dollar from a little boy at Maxwell last week
Ÿ Fitness First’s Sept/Oct schedule – I carry this all the time for easy reference
Ÿ Small packet of healthy snacks I bought from the Healthy Snack Day bazaar the school had last week… its quite yummy though I nickname it bird food
Ÿ And a piece of Dove Chocolate that my student gave me for teachers’ day
Ÿ Keys – on a green Chinese knot key chain my brother gave me back when I was fifteen
Ÿ My darling handphone in its amber handphone pouch – P bought this for me for our 5th Anniversary
Ÿ My Sec 3s’ formal letter papers – the current set of papers that I carry around all the time with the good intention of marking
Ÿ An array of red pens for marking and a single green pen for note-jotting
Ÿ A packet of red wet tissue I took from the ktv I went with my colleagues on teachers’ day – or to be more accurate, that Wanshi took and stuffed at me, saying that since we paid for it, might as well take it.
Ÿ A mismash of papers and bills lying right at the bottom of the bag that I do not dare to search through… it holds and is not restricted to my exams confirmation slips, information of various events I attended and have to attend like the Teacher Mass lecture and others I do not yet dare to think of…
Ÿ The Bag Itself! – a blue-grey Elle gym carry-all that I bought at Taiwan. I love it for carrying all my stuff without a complain :)

Tis' Life...

Had an extremely packed but fulfilling weekend…

My weekend started early on Friday night when I met up with Xuan for a quick dinner (p.s., there’s this mini bistro at Raffles Marketplace that sells quite yummy Saigon Baguette, refreshing filling and crispy bread, but must tell the girl to slice it else its very hard to eat) and the play, Salsa Salsa Salsa. I guess Homesick set quite a high bar… found Salsa x 3 slightly lacking with its choppy scenes and flubbed lines… still, for a first long play and the ability of the young playwright to get into the mind of 4 old ladies, its still a commendable effort.

Brought my students to Hwachong to attend a JC Seminar by NUS on Saturday morning, really enjoyed this outing. There was one lecture that was particularly interesting but that’s not the highlight. It was like a mass reunion, meeting up with my secondary school, jc and university teachers! I even met several ex-classmates-turned-teachers that were also bringing their students to attend. Caught up with kapoh who’s retiring end of this year… its sad… as he said, from next year onwards, when we step into the LEP room, there will be no familiar faces anymore… Also chatted with my uni prof who gave me several good suggestions on where to do my ma course. All the familiar faces made up for the slowly becoming unfamiliar campus… the two wings and canteen didn’t change, but the auditorium is one unfamiliar place… although one of my jc teachers commented that its actually deteriorating already…. Makes me feel old…

Rushed down afterwards for Belinda’s last jazz class… and probably also my last jazz class for awhile. She’s so sweet… and I’ll miss her so…

Went for a swim afterwards before salsa. Today is the complicated move that I remembered from Jan, didn’t help that I felt really tired…

Woke up at an unearthly hour on Sunday for the wushu competition… Reached school at 720am and the sports hall at 8am. Spent the whole day there as my kids’ last competition was at 4pm. Spent so much time and effort on this competition, both preparation and competing itself but it was all worth it, my kids did really well! We didn’t expect a single medal considering that we are so new and it’s an Open Championship. But we won 2 golds, 1 silver, 1 bronze and two placings of 4th and 5th. Really not bad at all for a first time try at the Open Championships! They are so moved that they actually cried on Saturday on winning our first gold. My sec 1s were in disbelief most of the time. Am really proud of them.

Went for dinner with my mom and dad after the competition at Sakae… I’m not spending enough time with them really… with my busy schedule… so was happy at the chance to spend some quality time with them.

Marked like mad for the weekend… have so many classes of essays, tests, letters and exercises that I’m slowly being flattened… Promised my Sec. 3s that they’ll be able to know their test results on Monday so was hiding in a corner at the sports hall on Sunday between my kids’ competition events to mark and stayed up last night to finish marking another class of essays. Will probably stay up tonight as well…. It’s the Annual Never-Ending Non-Stop August–October Marking Season again…. From CA to End-of-Year- to Mock Exams….

And so is life….

Another weekend's here...

Now Playing: Under the Weather - Kt Turnstall

It was a good week, partly due to the fact that there was only two days of school. Had quite a packed week though, but did mostly stuff that I liked doing and was doing for myself. Spoiled myself on Tuesday and Thursday and spent time with myself. Spent a lot of time with my family as well. Went to the gym with my mom on wed, and spent the day at home afterwards with my dad watching tv.

Met up with Lin on Thursday, with the both of us so busy, it was the first time we actually met up since the hols.

Watched Eleanor Wong’s Campaign on Friday after a extremely busy day at school. It wasn’t as good as Homesick, but it was still good. Guess it wasn’t personal enough for me. Watched it with Shuhui and Qinyu and we went for dinner/supper afterwards.

Took my kids down for translation competition on Sat morning to Changi. (got such a shock at the location when I first found out). I have really good kids for translation, it’s a competition that requires a lot of work and they are all so busy and piled up with work, yet they never fail to deliver. Even my backup who is even busier and won’t even really be taking part in the competition still did her work. I don’t know how we’ll do, but they have already done well for me and I'm so proud of them.

Went for Belinda’s jazz class afterwards and was so tired I lay down for a short nap since I was early. Went to the gym to swim after the class before going for salsa.

Yesterday night was a quiet night at union, but danced a lot; many friends turned up and had quite a good time.

Going to spend a quiet day today at home… woke up at 1pm! Finally going to get some marking done after the rude awakening that my class is due to write their 7th essay when I haven’t even marked the 5th and let them write their 6th…. I am so behind in my marking its slowly not being funny anymore…

Got two lovely presents this week…. A parcel from P which always brightens up my day with surprise postcards from DC where he stayed for a month and couldn’t find a single thing suitable for a memento and a sweet surprise from Lin of seaweed in the shape of animals she bought awhile back when I was feeling low. Feel so loved….









When I turn out the light, you're out of sight
Although I know that I'm not alone
Feels like home...

Weekend...

Had a full day of exercise on Saturday… counted when I met Eugene for dinner… it was about 7-8 hours! But somehow I’m not really aching anywhere today which is very good news. Muscles were screaming the whole of last week when I just started my exercise regime after joining my fitness centre. Hm… perhaps my body has adjusted to the change.

Yesterday was Vincent’s last class… quite sad… I’ll miss him so, he’s really the best instructor I’ve had… the one that can really motivate me to do the best I can. It doesn’t help that my other favorite jazz instructor is also leaving… Originally joined my fitness centre hoping that it can replace the jazz classes, but after taking one bodyjam class (supposedly the class that can replace my jazz classes), I’m starting to realize that its not quite the same thing… contemplating to try out O school… although how I’m going to be able to fit it in my current schedule is quite beyond my concept.

But I don’t regret joining my fitness centre despite the exorbitant fees…. The service is great and I still do like the classes, especially Body Balance. And for all that Body Jam lack in technique, it’s still a good workout. And so is Body Combat. And I love the saunas and steam rooms at all the clubs and the fact that I can shower and get my hair dry when I get home. Plus the view over the pool at One George St is absolutely gorgeous.…



All the exercise I’m doing is making me feel much better… somehow its clearing my head and I don’t feel so tired all the time so much… maybe because I don’t think so much when I’m doing the classes so my brain can finally take a break…

Woke up late today thou and decided to skip the morning body jam classes I was planning to take… after 6 days of exercise this week and the 7 hours yesterday, I guess I deserved it.

Watched Children’s Letters to God in the afternoon at the SRT. It was something different from Homesick on Friday… it had a certain innocent quality about it and yet something wise…the questions and the answers… I liked the songs and the actors are refreshing. Sometimes, perhaps we do need to see things from a different perspective… and a child always seems to see things clearer… with less distortions.

Met up with Dr. Lin for dinner at the Book Café and we had a wonderful chat… We always have so much to talk about and our conversations can range from academia gossip to thoughts of life…

All in all… it was a fulfilling weekend…

Homesick

Just watched Alfian’s Homesick today and I have to say, for the first play in the inaugural Singapore Theatre Festival, it really set a high standard. It started off on a quirky note and somehow managed to keep the light tone through out the two hour play that handled almost all the difficult and often controversial issues that barrages all S’poreans… from stayers and quitters to racial discrimination… making us see and reflect on all the issues in a different light…

When I said I was going to watch Alfian’s new play, a friend said something about watching another gay play… well… she was wrong… If anything, Homesick proved Alfian’s ability to write beyond gay issues. Homesick is the quintessential Singapore play… it is essentially Singapore condensed into two hours. And that is such a rare thing. For a quality Singaporean play about Singapore…

Homesick reminded me of why I go to theatre… not just for entertainment and relaxation from musicals like Cabaret (which was a really good broadway-quality show) or to be moved by touching storylines… but to feel. Homesick did that. It dug deep within and resonates… and I saw little bits of me and the people around me in all its characters… for a first time, I saw Singapore on a stage.

A story about a family of five children and the fact that all five are scattered all over the world…. And the way each of them love and hate their home and their nation...the bitterness they feel towards the country they grew up in… the issues they brought up striking a chord each time…the fact that we are living one man’s dreams… and in that case what happens to our own dreams? The way we are seeking our roots and where should those roots be? In China or in Singapore? Are we first Singaporeans or Chinese? And what do we call our culture? The way that we somehow can never face the fact that someone in our family married someone of another race… and the way no one wants to live in S’pore their whole lives…

Its no secret that I’m not planning on living in S’pore all my life… and the play actually invoked all the feelings I have for this nation… love, belonging, resentment, indifference… and the truth that nothing can change the fact that I grew up here and this is where all my childhood memories are… I was born here and grew up here… I studied and lived in Bukit Timah…I buy groceries from NTUC and used to spend hours in the bookshop at Beauty World… I spend my weekends in Orchard and City Hall and I go to Kwan Im Temple to pray for safety and good results… hope and nostalgia...

This is where my memories are… in this country with all its idiosyncrasies that I cannot stand and in two hours, Aflian somehow managed to sum up all my feelings and when it ended, I felt the pain behind my eyes from tears that won’t fall when something deep within really hurt…

For all the hype on the controversy of the play (esp. the L word that took a hold over the after show q&a) , I see Homesick as a play about a home. About people that after and under everything, is simply seeking a place within their family… a place where they are accepted and loved. Essentially and deep down, that’s what every character in the play wants…. And what we all want. In the Playwright’s Message, Alfian talked about the true meaning of “homesickness”… of how it is possible to feel homesick without leaving your home at all… and our dual feelings about Singapore…

For all that Singapore is… an accidental nation that sometimes cannot even decide how old she is… with its shifting identity and groundless roots… it is still the place we grew up in… the place we know better than any other in the world. And in that, it is irreplaceable.

No matter how we hate it often and love it rarely… and how we resent it like a child resenting its mother… we cannot deny the umbilical cord that connects us and how we can never really cut it.

This play doesn’t really change anything about how I feel… but it does make me think and reflect deeper… and most importantly, it touched something in me…

After all, what is home? It’s not just a nation. It’s not just a house. Yet, do we abandon the nation and the house? What are we really attached to? What are we homesick for?


I’ll really like to recommend this play to every Singaporean… its not a perfect play, there are still some kinks in it (Patrick’s about-turn decision was too abrupt and made the ending a little too pat, some characters are under-utilized and slightly cardboard ), but overall it’s an excellent play. Alfian’s words held a grace and sensitivity as always. For a rare play that is wholly centered on Singapore… it’s amazing. For an ending where almost everyone leaves in the end…it is actually unbelievable truthful… Its something we can be proud of.

Babel...

Darn, haven’t updated for like forever… (but I did update my other journal!)

It rained today… just after I was complaining that it haven’t rained for like forever yesterday when it was so darn hot. Was looking out of the bus window this morning and the skies were so black… not a spot of white and one would even think it’s still night… reminded me of the “end of the days” Hollywood movies… it was so going to rain.. .. ha. And when it did, its literally torrents. Actually quite enjoyed it as I was all safe and dry in school when it rained :p

Been out of school for the afternoons the past few days for oral (ha, it does sound kinda dirty when I say that as Nick pointed out the other day) Its kinda interesting and occasionally funny, been entertaining my mom and friends with oral anecdotes the past few days which masked the boring bits when I kept wanting the fall asleep while the kids droned on and on in front of me.

But it came at a really bad time (is there ever a good time?)… with the speech day coming up and wushu training mounting and the Beijing exchange school people coming this Saturday… I’m supposed to call all the sights we are to visit and arrange for the tours (feel like a tour agency) but I keep not been able to do that as when I get home from oral, the offices are already closed. And all that not including the actual teaching work and lesson preparations. Already am not been able to give my class homework this weekend coz I don’t have time to finish marking their books (can imagine them jumping for joy and praising oral to the heavens). Well, they had double last weekend anyway.

Am exceedingly tired also becoz I had a couple of late nights. Went for The Dresser on Tuesday. It was a pretty good play, there’s a lot of meat in it. Am starting to really like Adrian Pang… didn’t really take him seriously before with only seeing his comic roles on tv. But he’s a wonderful actor… his accent is amazing. And Wed was my second spins class. Am so going to miss Vince when he’s gone. And he’s going for two years! When he comes back, I’ll probably be juz weeks away from leaving for the states too. Darn Darn double darn. Thinking of trying a new jazz class somewhere… either the dance school opposite my place or this jazz school my brother is going to with a really funny name O.

Well, good news would be that I got a new cellphone. It’s a early anniversary pressie from P coz my old one’s keypad isn’t working. It was a horror to sms on and people probably found it weird (or as jx said, very character) to receive smses from me with zero spaces and only Caps to tell each word from each other. LikeThis. But I do miss my old phone… it was a 2nd anniversary pressie from P as well and I planned to use it forever and forever or at least until it broke apart… Still, I do like this new one. It comes with a camera (not a very good one but still usable) and I like being able to take shots whenever I see anything pretty… except I still can’t download the photos… apparently I need a CA-42 cable which somehow costs 88 bucks. Why does a cable cost 88 bucks when my cell only costs 168 bucks?!?! That’s like half the price of the phone. I so cannot understand.

Well.. tmr’s going to be somewhat of a treat with no oral, a short and hopefully interesting seminar and then will be going for my monthly pedicure. Will be trying a new pedicurist. And then its my weekly Friday dancing!

And that’s the end of this really boring babel…. (ha, from my translation class! I actually saw my favorite class from last year today for translation… am quite happy… but they feel different… not as sweet as last year… well… kids grow up….so sad….)

《天…使我爱你》

好久没看到这么一部让我流那么多泪水的戏了。《天…使我爱你》。

很喜欢开始的部分，信和小悦的爱情，那么的单纯，那么的甜蜜。信确实很呆，打扮也好土，一般女孩子，在看到自己被配到一个那么土气的男生照顾，一定很失望吧。但小悦却看到了那外表下的一颗真心。所以，她拥有了一个天使。

那么简单的恋情。雨天的伞，感冒时的感冒药。小女生的撒娇，小男生的呆气，面对女生的脾气时木讷得好好笑。那么让人会心，那么让人心疼。却是那么的梦幻，梦幻得让我们知道，是无法长久的。

真的不认同信的做法。无论带着多么深的祝福，亲手把自己的最爱推给别人，仍旧是残酷的。对自己残酷，对所爱的人残酷。

结局的多变是个败笔，大概连编剧也不知该如何结束，所以就什么都放进去了。但无论如何，仍是一部我喜欢的片子。

尤其喜欢编剧抄自《榭寄生》的那一句话，无论你在那里，我只离你一个转身的距离。

Guardian Angel，都是离我们这样远吧。只是一个转身的距离，但我们一转身，就看不到，因为，他已到我们身后守护我们了。

偷得浮生一日闲

在开学前的一天，偷得一个几近完美的一天，一个晶莹的时刻。

早上八点起来，父亲送我去看一部有趣的话剧。Play on Earth。是在三个国家同时上演的一个话剧，除了新加坡之外，还有英国和巴西的演员。一个跨越空间的演出，十分特别。我们还能看到其他国家的观众，还能相互招手。构思十分新颖，且演出也相当不错。

演出完毕时，才十点半。还很早，呼吸着早晨的空气，在一个酒吧街上，早晨是冷清的，但很新鲜。跑去一个朋友介绍的Book Café，那儿有舒服的沙发和许多书籍杂志，很适合烂上一整天，但因为距离远，所以只来过一次。现在正巧，从剧场走去不到五分钟就到了。找了个靠窗的沙发，赖在沙发上，点了一杯可可清啜，听着Café播的音乐，拿出一班作文卷子改，阳光明亮，不知不觉竟改了大半班。偶尔发闷时，捡起一本书随意翻阅，感觉有些糜烂。


一直呆到下午1点，才愿意伸直身子，收拾书包离开。散步到巴士站，搭巴士去乌节的图书馆和书店逛逛，再去KFC边吃炸鸡腿边读许佑生的小说。吃完后时间刚好看电影《王的男人》。电影拍得不错，戏子的戏很好笑，但就是悲了一点。

看完戏便搭巴士去滨海艺术中心。先去图书馆，找了个靠海的沙发，缩在沙发中，欣赏海景和对面的Fullerton的城市景象。看完了小说，再把这一班的作文卷子改完。

大约7点，起身到楼下的寿司店吃寿司刺身。点了一盘刺身配Baby Octopus，还有几碟寿司。吃得很满足。

晚上看澳洲剧团的Shorter and Sweeter。是一个由八个十分钟的短剧组成的话剧，每个短剧都很有意思，让人发笑，但也发人深省。其中一个《狗的心声》让我觉得很不舒服，另一个《城市一夜情》似乎给人希望。最后一个《极乐园》真的让人爆笑。是个让人很好玩的剧场。

好喜欢今天，并不是假日，人不太多，天气晴朗，感觉很舒服。
好喜欢今天，从早晨起床的那刻，时时刻刻都有所期待，感觉很清新。

戴了我喜欢的蝴蝶耳坠，移动时能感觉到蝴蝶轻盈地飞，仿佛如我的心情一般轻快。

好开心，偷得浮生一日闲。

Taiwan

Back from Taiwan…. Really enjoyed the week of backpacking with P…hostels and different itineraries every day… Missed these days of travel that we did in Europe which was 2 years ago already… P still remembered the strains of songs we created during the Europe days… traveling in the states just isn’t the same when we had permanent “homes”.

Spent 4 days in Tainan and 3 days in Taipei… Deliberately did this so that we’ll have more days in the country… Stayed in a Home-stay owned by a couple and it was like staying with their family. So very homey, complete with picking up their two kids everyday from school and playing with the kids at night. The couple was very warm and welcoming… The dad was also our personal guide and chauffer for the four days, bringing us to different sights everyday and ensuring that we get the full Tainan experience, from lotus blossom fields to the bamboo groves and tea fields mountains to the seaside coastal areas of oyster and salt fields… Different landscape every single day….It made our entire trip much easier and way more informative… and we had an experience of a kind of the lives of the people there…

First day was a rainy day… we went to GuanZi Ling… visited two ancient temples and had a free vegetarian lunch at one of the temples… it was a quiet day… the calming sense of old temples and the light drizzle…

We visited the lotus blossoms the second day… the reason we came to Tainan… because it’s the lotus and water lilies season… fields and fields of pink and white lotus in bloom and fragrant water lilies of every color with the backdrop of gold rice fields… Had a chance to pick the water lilies and drink the flower essence as well. Did the famous Guan Zi Ling mud hot springs and spa at night… so comfy…. Also went up to see the night lights after…

Went to Xi Tou Mountains the third day. It’s a mountain with tea fields at the top and covered in bamboo groves… We actually visited the tea fields owned by friends of our host family… so its not a tourist sight and we had the place all to ourselves… at the top of the mountains with a breathtaking view of tea fields and cloud-covered mountains…. With only the tea pickers in sight… it was ethereal…..

Last day was spent by the sea…. Took a ferry out to see how oysters are grown and harvested before barbequing fresh oysters… naturally salted by the salty sea water and so sweet by itself… attempted to climb a salt mountain afterwards which is much harder than we thought… the salt was loose and slippery and the also coarse and rough on the hands… wanted to give up halfway but two guys that already attempted the climb twice (they wanted to try to climb the mountain from different sides !?! ) told us to try and climbed up again behind us to support us. The view on top of the salt fields and fish ponds surrounded the area was worth it, but the sense of satisfaction is even better. We slid our way down, thankful that our jeans were thick enough : )

There are other little things as well… catching fireflies at night… visiting a cow farm and drinking milk freshly squeezed… a gorgeous sunset over a lake created by a dam… a Chatres-like hostel area of a local university… overall Tainan is a beautiful place…

The quiet and country pace of Tainan made us unused to the bustle and polluted air of Taipei… which is perhaps why we didn’t really like the city all that much… although we had happy memories of Shilin Night Market (where we spent out first night before taking the train to Tainan… loved the yummy foods and the relaxed atmosphere of the teahouse where we spent an hour sipping tea and listening to music). Spent our second night at Xi Meng Ting shopping… bought a sports bag that I have been looking for forever and clothes… Spent 3 hours in Eslite Bookstore (I love that bookstore!)… would have stayed longer if not for P complaining…

Escaped to Yang Ming Shan the next day…Trekked up to JuanSi waterfalls and Qing Tian Gang Grasslands…. It was a easy trek under the cooling green canopy and with a soundtrack of rushing spring waters… QingTian Gang is an amazingly rolling grasslands of several scenic tops with a cooling breeze… but the next trek up to Seven Stars Garden and Dream Lake wasn’t as easy… it was a killing trek up steep, crumbling steps under the hot noon sun… but the view is breathtaking… Trekked across the mountain to the other side of Yang Ming Shan before doing another hot spring and taking the bus down to the city… went to Sun Yat Sen Memorial Hall which is like one huge community centre… P couldn’t believe his eyes when a father and son holding badminton rackets walked in to the square and proceeded to play badminton right in front of us in on the road! Had dinner at Ding Tai Fung… the original store brimming with customers and a long queue.

Last day was spent at the Palace Museum and its amazing collection depicting the development of pottery glazing and various fine arts… went to Taipei Story House after that… a cute little house with a changing exhibition and this time it happened to be one on Wu Xia, my fave topic!

Overall, it was a wonderful week… tiring yes, but fulfilling too… and it made us feel like young students again…

I would do it again...

I would do it again. I would kill, destroy, maim – and I would love you anyway.

Don’t. Don’t say that. You can’t. You can’t have both.

Oh, but don’t you see. I already do.


These few lines…..they haunt me. They circle in my head again and again…

little memories of happiness

I’m a terribly unorganized and untidy person. Anyone who has seen my room or my office table can attest to that. I’m also the kind that refuses to throw anything away, thinking of them as mementoes that are keepers and proofs of memories in my life. It accounts for a lot of rubbish, but occasionally, every now and then, I find it so true and worth it… little moments in life that I will be madly searching through my bags for a misplaced ezy-link card and come across a mini-calendar-card-sized Manhattan subway map that I stuck in the hidden corner of a bag back in June when I was in New York….or picking up a bag that I haven’t used for ages and opening the front pocket to find ancient trans-island yellow bus tickets that reminded me of a time when P used to fold hearts out of these little bits of paper… combing through my wallet for cash only to come across faded cinema tickets that remind me of both the film and the friend I watched it with…sifting through my piles of paper to uncover a note written by a best friend that somehow got stuck there (probably when said friend helped my clean up my desk!)….digging into the pocket of a jacket to bring out a foreign coin I stuck there once when overseas… little memories of happiness and the little moment when I happen across these little bits of proofs allow me to relive the times…and I know its worth it… to live with all the clutter and the insanity of searching through everything madly to find whatever it is I need buried under everything and anything every single time… for these little moments of surprises and never knowing when I’m going to happen across a happy memory….

Bintan

Had three divine days in Bintan.... Beautiful beaches, clear waters and the softest white sands imaginable and the greenest tropical trees for a contrast… and a lovely horizon where the skies and seas dissolved into each other…

Idyllic days… a blissful three hour spa on the first day… such indulgence… loved the room with all the rustic touches and the heavenly scent and a view of the beach. I could sit there and sip sunflower tea all day…

Did water-skiing and jetski the second morning. Water-skiing was fun, the adrenaline rush and the feel of flying on water… but jet-skis beats it hands down with the pure speed and easy fun! It’s like motorcycle on water with the additional benefit of accelerating all the way.

Spent the day relaxing by the swimming pool with a book and ice-cream and dips in the pool when it got warm… and P buzzing around my ears all afternoon like a mosquito without a book to entertain him :p

Went for a walk along the beach… climbed the rocks for a view of breakers crashing against the rock… and walked from one point of the beach to the other.. the waves crashing around our bare feet… and sun glittering on the sea… picked up two pieces of coral with intricate designs… Went for a swim at sunset…swam towards the setting sun with the warmth of the sun rays on my back…

It was a wonderful three days and two nights of being pampered and looked after…felt like a princess…

Greece

Finally finished arranging my Greece Photos … brought me a trip down memory lane, seeing as it’s been five years since the trip (see how much I procrastinate!)

Greece will always have a special place in my heart… its one of the places I visit and actually want to return and stay forever (Switzerland and Boston are the only two other places). Love the isles and the Aegean, Mykonos with its gentle allure of blue and white calming spirit and Santorini with its irresistible fiery volcanic beauty… the windmills and clear waters and the glitter of the cities at the edge of the cliffs….Love wandering about Athens… never knowing if you are going to happen on one of the historical archeological sites buried under the city…living among the ancient civilization…with the Acropolis in view whenever you lift your head…

I just want to go back…